The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown–12.30.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown – 12.30.99

OK, back to the McMahon-Helmsley Era as we close out 1999. Honestly the Nitro ’97 rants do such ungodly huge numbers that I should probably just do those 7 days a week.

Previously on RAW, Mick Foley lost a Pink Slip on a Pole match to the Rock, thus ending his employment:

Taped from Richmond, VA

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jerry Lawler

Kane gets called into the office by HHH and Steph, and he manages to convince him that Rock is disrespectful to women and he was checking out Tori in particular. So tonight, he can have revenge for this imagined sleight via a match.

Test v. Big Bossman & Prince Albert

So the beatings on poor, poor, pathetic, Test continue with a handicap match. And we cut to the back, where Steph is laughing about how Test gets beat up week after week after week and she thinks it’s hilarious. Plus if he doesn’t play ball, he’s fired. I feel like Test should probably speak with his HR manager. Although I am perversely amused that Test is being booked so badly now that even the on-screen pretend bookers are laughing at how badly he’s booked. The heels quickly toss Test to the floor and Bossman steps on his nose protector like a complete dick, and Albert whips him into the railing. Back in, Albert goes up and misses a legdrop and Test actually gets to make a comeback with a neckbreaker for two. That’s more offense than the poor bastard has gotten in a month! Test manages to fuck up his own finisher and drops Albert on his face while trying the pumphandle, so Bossman hits him in the face with the nightstick and Albert finishes with the pump kick at 3:13. Test is so bad he can’t even DO HIS OWN FINISHER. What a clod. *

Meanwhile, Mae and Moolah interrupt the canoodling in the office, and Steph bitches at them for the restaurant brawl on Monday and books them against the Hollies tonight.

Classic Mick Foley: Mick goes to MSG and watches Snuka dive off the cage.

Classic Mick Foley: Mankind debuts on RAW and destroys the Undertaker.

Meanwhile, Al Snow is OVERJOYED that Mick was fired, because Mick turned on him and now has exactly what he deserves. So Al wants Mick’s spot, and HHH offers him the chance to cripple Jeff Hardy and get rid of that team. Snow thinks this is a great deal.

Rikishi v. Kurt Angle

Kurt asks to be Richmond’s honorary hometown hero because otherwise they’d have no one. He’s getting better by the week. So then Steve Blackman comes out to be handcuffed to the ringpost, which we learn is HHH’s idea, against Stephanie’s desires. Rikishi quickly hits Angle with Cheeks of Fire, but Blackman unlocks his handcuffs, knocks out Rikishi with his numchuks, and Angle gets the pin at 0:52. The Angle booking was so weird, as they had him back into wins for the first couple of months and then all of a sudden just start racking up belts like crazy. Nothing to the match. ½*

Classic Mick Foley: He drops his own elbow off the top of the cage, at Summerslam 97.

Meanwhile, Tori just wants to enjoy some delicious Mountain Dew backstage, but Steph warns her that Rock has been LOOKING at her. Lasciviously! That’s the worst kind of looking!

Jeff Hardy v. Al Snow

A “big bonus” is on the line for Snow here if he can eliminate Jeff. He should just buy him 2 drinks and give him the keys to his car. The situation will resolve itself. Jeff leapfrogs him in the corner and dropkicks him into the turnbuckles in a neat spot, then goes up and misses a springboard moonsault. Snow hauls him out and whips him into the railing, but Jeff moonsaults off it onto Snow. Back in, Snow blocks another springboard move with a whiplash slam, but misses his own moonsault. Jeff misses a charge and gets hung in the Tree of Woe, allowing Snow to pound on the knee and go to work on it, but Jeff dumps him and follows with a dive. Jeff tries to moonsault off the railing again, but he misses completely this time. Back in the ring, Snow grabs a chair and goes up with a moonsault, but lands on his own chair like a complete goober and Jeff gets two. Al gets a facefirst powerbomb (Black Blood’s finisher in WCW for those who remember 1991) and he tries to Pillmanize the ankle, but Matt runs in and hits Snow with his own chair and Jeff gets the pin at 5:02. Kind of a dull, messy match. *1/2

Classic Mick Foley: Mankind gets thrown off, like, a cage or whatever.

Classic Mick Foley: Mankind wins the WWF title and allegedly puts butts in seats.

Hardcore & Crash Holly v. Mae Young & Fabulous Moolah

So the ladies bring Mark Henry and Harvey Wippleman with them for backup, since Harvey is allegedly in love with Moolah now. Hardcore throws Moolah down to be a jerk, but Crash comes in and gets double-teamed by the women for a bit before stomping Mae down for big heat. Crash with a slam and he goes up, but Moolah shakes the ropes to bring him down and Mae gets a horrifying broncobuster that goes on way past the point it should have. Hardcore thankfully saves and hits Mae with a lariat, and Crash gets a powerslam for the pin at 2:31. For what it was, it was pretty good. ** The Hollies beat down Henry, so Harvey strips down and comes in to save, and that goes about as well for him as you’d imagine. Hey, Hardcore Holly was a miserable humorless bastard and played his character perfectly.

Meanwhile, the Rock comes out for a word with Michael Hayes, but Tori stops by and has some kind of freakout where she sounds like she’s running away from a mouse or a spider.

Classic Mick Foley: Mankind introduces the 3 Faces of Foley to get revenge on HHH, in a clever bit of foreshadowing for what was coming.

No Holds Barred: Kane v. The Rock

Michael Cole is suspicious of Stephanie’s claims that Rock was “oogling” Tori. YOU THINK? Stephanie, the deceitful heel owner, LYING? Shocking. Kane slugs away in the corner, but Rock gets a neckbreaker and clotheslines him to the floor. They fight up the ramp and Kane runs him into the set and goes low, but Rock fights out of a tombstone. Rock slugs Kane off the stage and through a table on the floor, as somehow Rock’s punches imbue Kane with enough momentum to fly three feet in the air and off the edge. Kane recovers and chokeslams Rock through a table on the other side of the arena as the selling here is…not great. Back into the ring as Rock grabs a chair, but Tori steals it from him and Kane accidentally clotheslines her. Rock Bottom on the chair gets the pin at 5:11. Michael notes that “HHH’s plan has backfired!” Wasn’t his plan about screwing with Kane? In which case, it worked perfectly. They didn’t really make that aspect very clear. Or maybe HHH just has a lot of oars in the water with all these nefarious plans. Match was a lot of Attitude Era walk-spot-walk-spot stuff but had tremendous heat. **

Classic Mick Foley: Vince McMahon is introduced to MR. SOCKO.

Meanwhile, Jim Ross sits down with the fired Foley, who talks about how his children were sad that he was leaving wrestling. He’s still wanting to retire in the main event of Wrestlemania, but he’s not sad about losing to the Rock. He wants to be remembered for the return of Cactus Jack in MSG and winning the WWF title in Worcester. However, he’s not going to accept his fate at the hands of HHH and Stephanie, and at some point he’ll do something about it.

Meanwhile, X-Pac laughs at the misfortunes of Mick, but HHH is sick of hearing about Mick Foley and so tonight he tells X-Pac to beat Big Show tonight or else he’s FIRED.

Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. Chyna

Kind of weird how they used all the pseudo-shoot stuff with HHH and Steph’s characters but completely ignored his relationship with Chyna and left her alone. Like, here’s this former member of D-X who was also dating HHH, but she’s off in her own universe with Jericho with HHH paying no attention to her. Chyna reveals that she was helping Jericho because she needed to let her broken thumb heal before her rematch. Well that’s a pretty mundane reason. Chyna hits him with her shitty handspring elbow and gets a DDT for two, but charges and lands on the floor. Jericho dropkicks her off the apron and comes in with a top rope forearm of some kind, but Chyna misses her cue and half-asses a low blow to counter. I bet Jericho got blamed for that one. Jericho with a mistimed Lionsault for two. Leg lariat and the ref is bumped, so Chyna gets the Pedigree and sadly the ref is out. Another ref comes in for two and they do the stupid fucking double suplex spot and both refs count at the same time for the double pin at 3:40. So the title is held up or something, we don’t know. And don’t care. This was all kinds of messy and somehow got resolved by adding Hardcore Holly in a three-way match at the Rumble for some reason. *

Classic Mick Foley: The Rock N Sock Connection wins the WWF tag titles.

Faarooq v. Bubba Dudley

Faarooq slugs away in the corner and gets a bulldog while the Mean Street Posse comes out to watch and Michael Cole reminds us that the Acolytes are indeed getting a title shot at the Rumble. Now that was a poorly booked “feud”. Bradshaw and D-Von and the Posse all run in for the DQ at 1:15. Thing we learned here: Rodney’s blockbuster is called “The High Society”.

Classic Mick Foley: “This Is Your Life, Rock!”

Classic Mick Foley: “Have a Nice Day” hits #1.

Viscera & Jacqueline v. Luna Vachon & Gangrel

This is so incredibly random but it’s surprisingly heartwarming to see Luna so happy to finally be part of Gangrel’s act. Luna attacks in the corner and gets a faceplant, but Jackie rolls her up for two. Vis comes in and Luna decides to try a sleeper on him and that goes badly for her, as Vis pins her with a powerslam at 2:25. Two women getting pinned with powerslams in intergender matches on the same show? So earlier in the show it was played for comedy, but here they bring out the EMTs and act like her career is over. Hell, it might have been, I don’t remember her being around in 2000.

Meanwhile, Michael Hayes finally gets his interview with the Rock, and his big question is “Do you feel bad that Mick Foley was fired?” Rock rightly chews him out for even asking such a stupid question and warns him that he’ll get his teeth knocked down his throat should he insult the Rock again like that. And then he leaves the building in disgust, thus establishing that he’s not there for the main event later. TELL ‘EM, ROCK! Also, he should have made fun of his stupid ponytail, too.

Big Show v. X-Pac

So of course HHH and Stephanie come out to watch, likely armed with another plot twist soon. Show grabs X-Pac and pounds him in the corner and follows with a biel across the ring, but HHH “reminds” us that it’s actually a handicap match and Road Dogg is a part of it.

Big Show v. X-Pac & Road Dogg

So the guys in green double-team Show and dogpile him for two, but Show clotheslines them and hits them with headbutts, at which point HHH “reminds” us that it’s actually a 3-on-1 handicap match.

Big Show v. X-Pac & Road Dogg & Billy Gunn

The D-X guys bump around like clowns and Show chokeslams Dogg, but Billy goes low and the heels take over. Then HHH “reminds” us that it’s a 4-on-1 handicap match.

Big Show v. X-Pac & Road Dogg & Billy Gunn & HHH

So yes, it’s a 4-on-1 beatdown and HHH hits him with a chair and it’s heat and heat and heat and X-Pac gets the pin after a Pedigree at 6:20. And the heels celebrate again and we’re out.

Well, that show started fun and kind of ran out of steam by the end.

Next time: We journey to the mysterious YEAR TWO THOUSAND! I hope my computer doesn’t implode.