The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–01.17.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 01.17.99

Taped from somewhere not mentioned.

Your hosts are Kevin Kelly & Shane McMahon

Vince McMahon and the Corporation join us to start, and Rock calls Kane a “retard” a bunch of times before Vince lays out the matches for RAW tomorrow night. Mr. Ass will have to pass the Test! 1999, ladies and gentlemen. Vince challenges Chyna to an arm-wrestling match, because it wouldn’t be fair for him to face a mere woman in a real wrestling match. Shane pops into the ring to inform Vince that RAW’s main event will be Kane v. The Rock (which was booked by phantom commissioner Shawn Michaels off-screen). So this was basically 10 minutes of talking to set up a bunch of midcard matches for the next day.

Meanwhile, Rock and Vince assure each other that Kane is indeed retarded and not a threat at all. Speaking of offensive phrasing, PETA is now saying that “bringing home the bacon” or “beating a dead horse” is the same as racist or homophobic language, so everyone should probably knock that off here just in case they’re paying for ad space with Google.

Tiger Ali Singh v. GILLBERG

So it’s a historic debut (for Heat at least), as Vince spoofs Goldberg a year after it would have been relevant and witty. Complete with piped-in “Gillberg” chants. “The arena is chanting his name and yet no one’s lips are moving!” declares Kevin as if this was the wittiest thing ever. Seriously, they’re giving WCW shit for canned heat on a TAPED SHOW that is itself filled with canned heat? Fuck off with that. I’ve sat through WWF syndicated shows from the 80s where it sounds like a dull roar of white noise in the background for 45 minutes because the crowd was so dead after six hours of Steve Lombardi matches. Gillberg tries a spear that fails, and then tries the Jackhammer and Tiger falls on top for the pin at 0:55. As if they couldn’t bury the light heavyweight title any further underground. 0 for 1.

Meanwhile, Mark Henry denies that anything happened with Chyna’s friend Sammy behind closed doors on RAW. Also, Shane makes some kind of deal with Luna off in the distance.

Mark Henry v. Scorpio

Mark’s head isn’t into this one for some reason, and Scorpio pounds away on him until Mark just shoves him away and protests that he doesn’t want none. Scorpio hits him with a spinkick for two, but Henry catches him on a handspring and follows with a press slam into a faceplant. Chyna then comes out and gives Mark until RAW to make an undefined decision, and Scorpio gets the distraction pin at 3:05 off that. The payoff, for those wondering, is that Mark got a blowjob from a transvestite, because Russo. 0 for 2. Also, I think this was the end for Scorpio, unless I’m mistaken.

Jeff Jarrett & Owen Hart v. Edge & Gangrel

Jarrett quickly gets an armbar takedown on Edge, but Edge bulldogs him and gets a powerbomb for two. Owen comes in and slugs away on Gangrel, but a powerslam gets two. Owen puts him down with a leg lariat for two while Shane makes increasingly pervy comments about Debra, thus interrupting Kevin’s earnest commentary about how the Ministry of Darkness was sacrificing Dennis Knight last week. And then Road Dogg runs in and attacks Gangrel, which allows Owen to dropkick Edge into a Jarrett rollup for the pin at 3:20. Yes! More distraction finishes! 0 for 3. Jarrett & Owen win the tag titles the night after the Rumble, so obviously they had to go over here. I mean, in a sanely-booked promotion, that’d be why. Here, who knows.

Meanwhile, we get a hype video for the I Quit match between Rock and Mankind at the Rumble next week. After Beyond the Mat and all the stuff we now know about concussions, I have a REALLY hard time watching that match. It’s one reason why I don’t really want to redo the 99 Rumble again any time soon. Among many.

Meanwhile, Vince schools the Stooges in the manly art of arm-wrestling to warm up for Chyna.

Meanwhile, Goldust has painted Head to look like himself. WHAT THE FUCK AM I WATCHING?

The Godfather v. Goldust

One of the hos gets kidnapped and replaced by Al Snow from under the ring and Goldust gets a takedown for two, but guess what, he gets distracted by “Al Ho” and it’s a THIRD FUCKING DISTRACTION ROLLUP for the pin at 0:55 as Godfather gets the win. 0 for 4. On the bright side, Snow steals his Head back again.

Meanwhile, Shane takes Vince through intensive, Creed-like training in the snow, which gives us the epic sight of Vince chasing a chicken to develop his “greasy fast speed” and chasing Shane in the limo for endurance. “Why don’t you do it?” demands Vince. Shane: “I’m not the one in the Rumble!” Man’s got a point. You can’t say Vince wasn’t a good sport with this stuff, so I’ll give it a point. 1 for 5.

Arm-Wrestling Match: Vince McMahon v. Chyna

Shane tries to bring out Luna as a ringer, but Sable attacks her in the aisle and prevents that from happening. Anyway, it’s the usual arm wrestling angle, which somehow works even in 1999, where Vince is going to win and Chyna makes the comeback, but the Stooges accidentally bump into Vince and Chyna wins. Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco challenge Chyna to a match for RAW tomorrow and we’re out. This was silly but as usual Vince’s facial expressions and selling make it worthwhile. 2 for 6.

Vince saves the show single-handedly, as usual.

Next time:  The Royal Rumble pre-show!