The SmarK Rant for Mid-Atlantic Championship Wrestling – 01.26.85
Taped from Charlotte, NC
Your hosts are Bob Caudle & Johnny Weaver
Tully Blanchard is on the way to the airport because he’s found his PERFECT 10 and he needs to pick her up. I can only assume she was working security.
Cowboy Ron Bass v. Denny Brown
It’s a clash of champions, so to speak, with Mid-Atlantic champion Bass facing Junior champion Brown. Denny takes him down with an armbar and works the arm, then follows with a bodypress, which gives us the classic Tommy Young “sliding out of the ring” count for two. Bass escapes a headlock by running Brown into the turnbuckles and he goes to work on the neck with a chinlock. Bass elbows him down and follows with an atomic drop for two, and a bulldog gets two. Bass goes to a facelock while JJ makes sure to pantomime squeezing it in, and the powerslam finishes at 5:10. I’m gonna give it a point for Tommy Young’s refereeing job. 1 for 1.
Magnum TA is here, fresh off winning a $50,000 battle royal last week, and it’s time for a BOB CAUDLE BEARD UPDATE!
As you can see, he’s at maximum scruff level, but it’s not yet something that can really be called a beard yet. Keep working on it, Bob!
Anyway, Magnum TA really wants the US title currently held by Wahoo because he wants to represent the USA and stuff.
Don Kernodle v. Joel Deaton
Kernodle is literally waving an American flag on the way to the ring now and wearing stars and stripes on his jacket. Kind of trying too hard there, Don. Also some kind of patriotic music has been expelled, which I can only assume is “Born in the USA” because subtlety isn’t one of his hallmarks. Kernodle takes him down and rides him on the mat, then gets a rollup for two. Kernodle works the arm and gets a lariat, then finishes with a powerslam at 3:20. I feel like Kernodle’s toilet seat neck brace really gave him the extra support needed there. 1 for 2.
JJ Dillon is tired of the fans disrespecting him, but finally he’s found the answer to his quest for a bounty hunter: TERRY FUNK. So we head to a pre-taped promo in Texas, where you know it’s 1985 because Terry has a banner printed on dot matrix paper which reads “Dick Slater is a Dead Duck” complete with clip art of skulls.
I’d be TERRIFIED if that pulled up in front of my house. Terry cuts a promo about how his purpose in life is to make lots of money doing jobs. He might kill Dick Slater for fun, who knows. 2 for 3.
Buzz Tyler v. Ben Alexander
Alexander, the world’s most dangerous social studies teacher, tries a shoulderblock and gets slammed around by Tyler, but Black Bart storms into the announce position and RIPS UP TYLER’S SHIRT. Tyler is blissfully unaware of the damage to his wardrobe, and continues with an elbowdrop on Alexander for two and a clothesline to finish at 2:08. Where is he gonna find another wrestling t-shirt in that arena? It’s not like they have tables filled up with merchandise at wrestling shows or anything. 2 for 4.
Superstar Graham is here to do kung fu and pose, and he also knows jiu jitsu and tae kwan do. I’m skeptical of his claims, I’m not gonna lie. So he tells a story about going to the Congo and asking the natives to bring him a 900 pound gorilla, at which point he put his unbreakable full nelson on the gorilla and BROKE HIS NECK. I think he might also be exaggerating his story there, too. Pix or it didn’t happen!
Superstar Graham v. Sam Houston
Meanwhile, Dusty Rhodes cuts a promo with Bob Caudle where he brags about “getting paid at Starrcade” and offers $10,000 if Tully can beat him. Back in the ring, Graham uses his kung fu, which mostly amounts to choking and forearm smashes, and he throws Houston around and finishes with the GORILLA KILLER full nelson at 2:00. That move broke the neck of a 900 pound simian, what hope does Sam Houston have? What hope do any of us have? 2 for 5.
Ron Bass is here to talk about his two favorite things: The Mid-Atlantic title and himself. As you can see, no expense was spared creating this belt:
He’s the champion of North AND South Carolina! You’d think they’d at least find a better center plate. Anyway, he fears no man and teaches pain for a living. But did he murder a 900 pound gorilla in the Congo with a full nelson? I THINK NOT.
Buzz Tyler is really, really upset about his South Carolina t-shirt getting ripped up by Black Bart. It cost a lot of money! Yeah, those black t-shirts with iron on lettering were real collector’s items. He’s gonna put Bart on a SLAB. That seems a bit out of whack with the severity of the crime.
The Barbarian v. Tommy Lane
Barbarian with lots of choking and headbutts as Caudle hypes something called “Lords of the Ring” upcoming. Wasn’t that a VHS tape advertised in PWI all the time? I vaguely recall that title. Barbarian tosses Lane and runs the back into the post, and back in for a clothesline and diving headbutt to finish at 3:00. 2 for 6.
Manny Fernandez is ragin’ against those dirty commies who are nothing but trash.
Dick Slater is here to warn Terry Funk that if he doesn’t get the job done on him, he’s coming after JJ Dillon himself.
And now, finally, Tully Blanchard unveils the Perfect 10! And yes, it’s Baby Doll, who looks Ricky Morton with lifts in his boots. Gonna file that under a solid “Would not.”
The Dirty Russian Commies v. Frankie Lane & Mike Davis
The Russians blitz the jobbers and get rid of Lane and Nikita goes to work on Davis. Ivan throws him around, but he manages to tag Lane in and he quickly gets destroyed by Nikita with a series of backbreakers. Russian Hammer finishes at 2:44. 2 for 7.
Wahoo McDaniel wraps things up with more threats for Flair and we’re done!
Well, clearly Superstar Graham steals this show.