We’re in Orlando, Florida and we start with Cargo Pants Matt Hardy.
Matt Hardy vs. Bam Neely
Non-title, which is a strong argument for the existence of God. Bam was part of the three-man team that beat Matt and crew last week involving Chavo, who would be here but he’s currently dead thanks to Undertaker. Bam makes sure to give Matt a Mafia Kick to the back of the head after an Irish Whip to ensure he doesn’t get a match this big again with Matt’s face saying everything:
Lots of scoop slams and ”ughs!” from Bam results in him countering a crossbody with a Boss Man Slam. Matt counters a suplex into a neckbreaker to make his comeback and gets the Side Effect with no resistance and a tornado DDT for shits and giggles. Matt tries for something off the top but Bam gets a superplex. Bam attempts another one but Matt pulls a DDP and turns it into a Twist Of Fate for the win.
Winner: Matt Hardy (Alright, giving Bam The Sheep-Pig his due he looked reasonable here and the crowd was happy to cheer on Matt against an unfinished, chubby CAW. But he’s like a Weight Watcher’s biscuit, after ten minutes you’ve forgotten you’ve had it.)
Finlay walks to the ring as only a smiling psychopath can and wants to know when he gets a title shot. Before Matt answers, a pissed off Mark Henry walks out demanding his. Finlay mocks him for only getting four votes at Cyber Sunday, which must have meant Henry & Atlas voted twice. ”If I wanted words from you, I’d have given you a dictionary!” Teddy Long intervenes and makes a match tonight because that’s his job.
Ricky Ortiz vs. Jon Davis
Dark City Fight Club Jon Davis! He refuses a handshake so Ortiz gives him a load of moves but the crowd are silent apart from a small LET’S GO DAVIS chant. Ortiz hits the Big O which Striker makes sure to call the ”climax” of the match and that’s it.
Not a good look for Ortiz who’s been here for months and needs something else other than squashes and Striker making cum jokes.
Clips of Bourne tearing his deltoid ligament from last week with commentators saying he’ll be out for four months. That was a very hopeful guess.
Jack Swagger is in the ring with a bunch of props to explain how Dreamer is a nineteen year veteran but has accomplished nothing. Dreamer became famous for getting caned by Sandman and saying THANK YOU SIR MAY I HAVE ANOTHER because he lost the match and that was his punishment. He has an original ECW Title Belt and reminds us Dreamer won it but only held it for thirty minutes. ”We’ve been on the air longer than that tonight!”
Swagger brings up Tommy’s wife and if she knows she married a failure and that her kids will be failures which is enough for Dreamer to interrupt him with a singapore cane. Swagger’s inherit goofiness actually helped here as it helped him sound clueless as he mocked ”some drunk” and the crowd booed him for not appreciating the nuance of Sandman.
RAW REBOUND: Jericho regains the title against Batista in the cage on the 800th Raw as they only switched the title on Cyber Sunday because they had fuck-all else to do.
Also of note: Batista deciding to blade because it’s a cage match (duh) and getting fined 100,000 dollars as a result, which I think ended up being the last blade job in WWE (if you ignore the Punk vs. Lawler conspiracy nuts)
Finlay vs. Mark Henry (Number One Contender’s Match)
Winner gets a title shot next week. Henry pointed out Finlay’s never pinned him without hitting him with a shillelagh or having Hornswoggle interfere. Henry shrugs off Fit’s strikes and opens a cut on his cheek but even Did You Just Call Wrestling Fake Mad Mad Finlay can’t dent Henry. They carry that striking sequence going for a few minutes with Henry getting hit and pretending to be hurt then knocking down Finlay. We got to break and Henry is still beating up Finlay with no crowd support as it’s been the exact same pattern over and over again with Fit getting no time to shine. Finally Henry misses a Banzai Drop so Finlay starts attacking his legs. Fit gives Atlas a clothesline, causing him to try to interfere so the ref gets distracted and doesn’t see Hornswoggle get a crossbody (with Finlay kicking the leg) for two. Henry’s pissed so he chases Hornswoggle and Fit attempts a sneak attack but gets dunked into the ringpost. Henry tries to splash both men but as the ref tries to get Horny out, Finlay smashes his stick over Henry’s head yet again to get the pin.
Winner: Finlay (I’m thankful for the run-ins during Finlay’s matches as this was death for ten minutes unless you really like Henry striking Finlay repeatedly. Yeah it’s a fine strategy and all that but it’s only entertaining when he does it to Matt because the crowd’s supporting him, you could hear people in the third row complaining about not having 3G on their phones.)
Overall: I’ll be fair and say that they had to re-book some things due to Bourne’s injury because Finlay’s usually fine in-ring but there’s little reason to care about him when he’s a cheating get who hits everyone with his sticks but is still trying to be a good guy with no irony. So him getting a title shot is strictly filler until they finally do Hardy vs. Henry III (not the monarch).
There wasn’t much to GIF this week so here’s David Arquette’s Infinite Suicide Dive.