The SmarK Rant for WWF All Star Wrestling – 01.02.82
Let’s jump ahead a bit with these and see if things improve any.
Your hosts are Vince McMahon and Pat Patterson, thankfully in normal-colored coats instead of the mustard yellow monstrosities from 1981.
DISCRETIONARY VIEWER PARTICIPATION IS ADVISED FOR THE FOLLOWING WRESTLING EXHIBITION
Jesse Ventura v. Lee Wong
I’m amused at the Pennsylvania fans booing Gary Michael Capetta when he introduces himself, for some reason. Jesse works the arm to start and really that’s about the limits of technical prowess you’re getting out of the Body at this point. So Jesse, decades ahead of his time, does some SMALL JOINT MANIPULATION by stomping the fingers and rubbing them on the ropes, when elbows him down and repeatedly rakes the eyes. Finally he finishes this boring squash at 4:15 with the over the shoulder backbreaker. As a wrestler, Jesse made a great commentator. 0 for 1.
Jeff Craney v. Steve Travis
I guess Travis is the star here. Travis gets a takedown and they fight for a leglock on the mat and even the announcers are bored by this action, and these are people who watch WWF ALL STAR WRESTLING for a living! Craney bails to the floor to escape the leglock, and he offers a handshake back in the ring, but Travis boots him in the gut to answer. Travis finishes with some kind of judo throw at 4:45, probably because the referee was falling asleep and just wanted to go have a nap. 0 for 2.
Adrian Adonis v. Barry Hart
Barry Hart is actually a very young Barry Horowitz. Adonis takes him down with snapmares and repeatedly slams him while Vince points out the “peculiarly shaped body” of Adonis. Adonis hits a high knee and gets a powerslam, but picks him up at two. Gut wrench suplex and he goes to work on the leg and then finishes with the sleeper at 4:30. This show is a 48 minute sleeper. 0 for 3. I still don’t get the logic of the “You have to revive your opponent or it could do permanent damage!” thing. It’s not like blood stops flowing to your brain after you release the hold! Well unless you’re watching this show.
Classy Freddie Blassie points out that his man Adrian didn’t use a single illegal hold during the match and his men would be World champion if the referee wasn’t always related to the champion. Hearing Adonis giving a tough guy promo in his Brooklyn accent is pretty trippy. Anyway, Bob Backlund comes from Minnesota, where they don’t even have ELECTRICITY and don’t know the horrors of people hanging out on the dock and begging for a dime.
Intercontinental title: Pedro Morales v. Greg Valentine
Pretty rare to see a match of this caliber on this shitty show, but it at least appears to be pulled from the A-show and re-aired here. Pedro fires away and Greg gets elbows in response, but walks into a slam. Valentine bails and goes for advice from the Grand Wizard. Back in, Valentine misses an elbow, but gets a cheapshot and pounds him with elbows in the corner, only for Pedro to ram him into the corner and make a comeback with a backbreaker for two. He goes after the Wizard and Valentine tosses him and suplexes him on the floor. THAT’S CONCRETE, declares Vince, just in case it wasn’t clear. Valentine puts him in the figure-four out there, and the babyfaces make the save as it’s some kind of bullshit non-finish at 4:30. Nothing to this one. 0 for 4.
Tony Garea & Rick Martel v. Ron Shaw & Jose Estrada
I’m confused as to why we switched tapings mid-show and we’re now watching Championship Wrestling apparently. Shaw works a headlock on Garea, but Martel comes in and cranks on the leg while Vince informs us that Dr. George Zahorian is attending to the injured Pedro Morales. Oh, I bet he was. You know, just in case he…needs some prescriptions. Yeah. Estrada comes in to break up all the leglocks and Martel tosses him and back in for a rollup, but Estrada rolls Martel into his OWN leglock. TOUCHE. Martel is face in peril (SERIOUSLY?) and Estrada uses a variety of headlocks on him, but Garea gets what I guess is a hot tag and dropkicks Shawn into a Martel flying bodypress to finish at 6:08. 0 for 5.
Tony Atlas v. Tony Colon
This is TOO MANY TONYS. I’m gonna call them both Garrison to keep from getting confused. Vince notes that for all the ladies out there with 24” waists, that’s about the same size as Garrison Atlas’s arms. Garrison works the arm of Garrison to start, but Garrison rakes the eyes and pounds away in the corner with the most fake-ass forearms ever, like backyard wrestling bullshit where he’s stomping the mat in time with the forearms and everything. Garrison Atlas headbutts him down and whips him into the corner, but Garrison comes back with more bullshit stomping forearms before Garrison Atlas finishes him with a delayed press slam at 3:20. That’s at least a more impressive finisher than Lashley’s delayed suplex. 0 for 6.
Maybe they should hire teenaged Vince Russo to book this show.