The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling–01.28.84

The SmarK Rant for Mid-South Wrestling – 01.28.84

…and something else.  This is what you call a “contrast in styles.”  You’ll see.

Taped from Shreveport, LA

Your hosts are Jim Ross & Bill Watts

TONIGHT! The Midnight Express finally get their shot at Magnum TA & Wrestling II…but in a non-title match. So we cut to Jim Cornette doing an interview with JR earlier, and he’s unhappy that the champions are still ducking his team. Like CHICKENS.

The Midnight Express v. Magnum TA & Mr. Wrestling II

Ring announcer Boyd Pierce has a funny spot where he starts to announce the champions and has to flee in terror while saying “…and I’m leaving!” due to a brawl starting. Nice touch. The ref gets control and the champs work on Condrey’s leg in their corner, but TA misses an elbow and Eaton comes in. Magnum takes him down and they go to work on HIS leg now, but Wrestling II ventures too close to the MX corner and “the momentum has turned” notes JR. Eaton chokes away on Wrestling in the corner and Condrey stomps him down and drops knees on the neck. Cowboy actually talks about how the Express invented the tactic of attacking the partner on the apron instead of trying to stop the man making the tag. See, that’s a nice touch with Watts’ character, where he’ll tell you what a piece of shit the heels are, but gives them credit for their in-ring work. TA gets a hot tag and the Express hits him with Cornette’s racket for the DQ at 5:40, and then Cornette takes off his belt and whips the shit out of the babyfaces with it. So the heels flee, and Wrestling II grabs a chair and WHIPS it at Eaton on the way out, hitting him solidly in the back. OUCH. I’m sensing this sets up whipping matches around the horn. 1 for 1.

Meanwhile, the pissed off babyfaces cut a fired-up promo on the Midnights, because no one does that shit to them and gets away with it.

Hacksaw Butch Reed v. Mike Starbuck

Reed slams the crap out of Starbuck while Watts gives Reed his due for being “a double tough bugger”. High praise from the Cowboy! Press slam and shoulderblock finish at 1:06. 1 for 2.

Jim Neidhart v. Mickey Henry

Anvil quickly gets a powerslam for two, another powerslam, and a gut wrench slam for two. Lariat finishes at 1:30. Anvil was rather limited at this point in his career, suffice to say. And then Reed flies in with a shoulderblock off the top and tosses him out of the ring, as he continues to blame his ex-partner for their team losing the titles. And you thought women held onto grudges for a long time. 1 for 3.

Masao Ito v. Joe Savoldi

Ito uses his variety of karate, hits a jumping kick to the throat, and then finishes with the throat claw at 1:40, which quickly turns into a DQ when he won’t let go. 1 for 4. Joe was a quality job guy who ended up moving into the promotional side in the early 90s with his family and had better luck there.

Nikolai Volkoff & Krusher Darsow v. Hacksaw Duggan & Brian Adidas

Terry Taylor has the temerity to attack Volkoff while singing the national anthem of Russia, so I guess he’s taking Duggan’s place in revenge for the attempted hanging last week. Taylor works the arm of Darsow while Watts compares Terry to Jack Brisco in terms of credentials at a young age. That’s a bit of a dubious claim. Taylor keeps taking the Russians down and Adidas works Volkoff’s arm, because if you need an armbar, call BRIAN ADIDAS! Sadly, he gets hit with a knee from Darsow and Volkoff goes to work on him while Watts explains that Darsow is the most dangerous kind of man: A traitor to America! Taylor gets a hot tag and hits Volkoff with a bodypress for two and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA, but now Masao Ito runs in for the DQ at 4:04. This Ito deal is just never going to happen, Bill. Match was all action, though. 2 for 5. “It’s going to take every man in the house to take care of that Jap, Bill!” Or one SUPERMAN!

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Buddy Landell v. Leaping Lanny Poffo

Buddy grabs a headlock as Watts hypes up a stunning jobber tag team clash that cannot possibly be our main event, so I’m thinking this runs until TV time. Historic moment: Bill just admits that referee Joel Armstrong is in fact his son, Joel Watts. Well there you go. Didn’t even need a Ministry or Corporation angle or anything to get there. Poffo goes after Landell’s hair and that’s a low blow, so Buddy tosses him after an elbow and then gets his hair back in order. Poffo tries to come back in and Landell suplexes him back into the ring and slaps him around, but Poffo fights back with elbows to the gut as Landell does clownish selling off that and hides in the ropes. Buddy takes him down with a chinlock, but Lanny comes back with a slingshot splash for two. Moonsault hits knees (Poffo was doing moonsaults at the same time as Hogan was winning his first WWF title, to put this in perspective!) Buddy tosses him out and beats on him outside, and then back in for a back elbow and the corkscrew elbow to finish at 6:28. This was some fine professional wrestling action. 3 for 6.

Sadly, we don’t have time for the promised jobber tag match, but here’s another video hyping up the ROCK N ROLL EXPRESS!

Next week: The Mid-South TV title tournament begins!

And now, a BONUS RANT:

Edge & Christian Show S02E01: “Weekend at Vinny’s”

We start in Christian’s worst nightmare, as John Cena is being wacky with Edge and making fart jokes in a new buddy comedy: The Edge and Cena Show?!

So he goes running to the WWE Network Studios, where Breezeango are guarding the door.

“What’s your name?”

“Christian.”

“We didn’t ask your religion, what’s your name?”

Sadly, they won’t let him into the studio because he looks too small to be a wrestler. They’ve been watching those doors for FIFTEEN YEARS. They’re not gonna fall for anything!

Luckily, it was indeed all a dream, and he’s in bed with John Cena. Whew.

Luke Gallows has now taken over as announcer from Howard Finkel, unfortunately. So our heroes recap season 1 and all the wackiness therein, and then they realize the last season ended with Vince frozen in his office due to shenanigans, so they’re off!

INTERLUDE: Here’s a commercial for ICOPRO, featuring Hornswaggle and Tommy Dreamer as clients. DON’T BE A CHICKEN GIZZARD! “They brought back the XFL, so why not?”

Anyway, back to Vince, who is still frozen in his office. E&C order a batch of shark cartilage and Crystal Pepsi from Vince’s secretary while Christian does an uncanny impersonation and take a meeting from Road Dogg. He wants back into the main event, so “Vince” gives him a solid maybe (but probably not) as Christian learns the magic of method acting. And best friends!

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It’s quite the likeness.

INTERLUDE: Samoa Joe buys some samoa cookies from a Girl Guide and then takes over her business. Sadly, a patron makes the mistake of insulting samoa cookies and gets his head slammed in the door Kingpin-style.

CHUMPSTAIN CHALLENGE! Season 2! Last season, Edge edged out the win by a single point overall, but Christian is back and ready.

Karl Anderson correctly guesses that Tito Santana won the first ever WM match, and Edge gets the point for predicting that. Nia Jax successfully identifies the Spice Girls and thus Edge gets a point. Paige actually guesses correctly that Simon Cowell produced the Wrestling Album, thus robbing Christian of a point. Really? I didn’t even know that. Sadly, Goldust mixes up Vanna White with Pamela Anderson and thus Edge wins 3-1.

INTERLUDE: Bray Wyatt seeks a new career as a midwife and learns about discrimination and the feminine mystique. Once women see his collection of Gloria Steinem literature, they’re ready for him to deliver their baby! Women’s reproductive health is not something he takes lightly.

And now the Network’s hottest game show: WILL WWE TALK ABOUT IT?!  And they’re going to start right where they left off 2 years ago!

Question 1: Will they talk about hot new independent star Ricochet? Well, duh, they signed him. OK, they admit things have changed since the last show 2 years ago.

Question 2: Will they talk about the XFL? Well, yeah, they’re bringing it back at some point.

Question 3: Will they talk about Goldberg?  DAMMIT.

Question 4:

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That one seems pretty specific.  Even E&C admit that they must be clairvoyant or something.

Question 5: E&C Show Season 3. Sure, until they’ll talk about it until they see the budget for season 2.

INTERLUDE: Gallows & Anderson reveal their humanitarian side, when they’re not “sports entertaining their nuts off”. All they need is Thunder Plugs energy suppositories, harvested from Goldberg’s urine. Using something called “science”, it goes right up your bum, and then you’re moving at the speed of light! Rectally.

And finally, our heroes return Vince to his office, but Christian can’t resist answering one last call as the Chairman. Luckily, it was all a dream. OR WAS IT? Yeah, it was.

Holy balls I’ve missed this show.