”In memory of SD Jones” starts the show and in a touching tribute Teddy Long appears dressed as Ron Burgundy.
He runs down the card then calls himself a moron due to Hornswoggle messing with the teleprompter.
Oh wait I’ve missed out on Cyber Sunday, let’s go back a bit (I wanted Teddy as Ron as the teaser image, sorry).
Matt Hardy vs. Evan Bourne (ECW Title)
The expected result but not the expected amount, Finlay out-voting Henry is a surprise. Todd immediately jumps on the 69% with a ”that’s more than 2/3 line” rather than the Bill & Ted reference and there’s a reason he’s no longer with WWE. Bourne uses his quickness to begin so Matt tries to ground him but Bourne’s base is too strong as he twunks out of the hold to sunset flip for two. Matt attempts Side Effect so Bourne rolls him up for another close call. Bourne annihilates Hardy with his aerial offence like Nixon did to Cambodia before Hardy gets a well-timed shove on a springboarding Bourne to send him to the outside. Both guys are getting positive responses from the crowd which is always good to hear on PPV now they aired ECW matches near the start of the card. Bourne counters a running bulldog by continuing to push Hardy so he goes from one corner into the other which is a wonderfully simple counter. Bourne locks a cross armbreaker and the crowd starts chanting HARDY. Matt escapes but Bourne grabs his foot, sweeps his leg and nails a standing moonsault. Jesus Bourne, I hope you brought enough work-rate to share with the rest of the class. Bourne sends Matt to the outside an attempts an Asai Moonsault but Matt again hits him mid-spring. Matt connects with the second rope elbow and in a funny moment, crowd starts chanting for Hardy but stop when he applies an Abdominal Stretch because he’s winning and doesn’t need the encouragement. Bourne escapes so Matt swats him down but Bourne is able to turn Splash Mountain into a Frankensteiner. They start slugging and Matt nearly gets the win with a Side Effect so he gives him another for another kick-out. Matt tries another second-rope jump but Bourne catches him with a spinning wheel kick on the way down. Bourne is full of monkey hormones and counters an irish whip into a moonsault press but can’t get the pin. Meteora gets pin so close it looked like a three but while Evan is checking, Matt rolls him up but Bourne kicks out again. Bourne goes the Shooting Star Press but Matt rolls out the way, the first time he’s missed it on TV says Todd and I think he’s right. Crowd’s at the vinegar strokes at this point, Matt goes for the Twist Of Fate but Bourne turns it into a landslide for 2.9999 but Matt holds onto Bourne, lifts him up and gets the Twist Of Fate for real-real to end it.
Winner and still ECW Champion: Matt Hardy (Tremendous, star-making performance for Bourne who could have won the match and title here and no-one would have minded he’s the size of a Lego compared to the main roster guys. Bourne was in WWE ten years too early now weed-smoking indie freaks are welcomed rather than tolerated. Still, definitely worth a watch.)
I don’t feel like watching the Miz & Morrison vs. Cryme Tyme match after that, just know M & M won and Scott Keith said ”This never got out of first gear for whatever reason.”
Back to ECW and we’re in San Diego. Wait they did the Anchorman parody but left out that one line?
Matt Hardy, Evan Bourne & Finlay vs. Chavo Guerrero, Bam Neely & Mark Henry
Oh we’re starting the show with the no-plot multi-man house show main event for a change. We get clips from Smackdown of Bam Neely and Chavo arguing and losing to The Colons (does it get any lower? Well, maybe not getting voted onto a PPV when you’re on the poster.) Chavo and Bourne start with the beautiful lucha sequences which Chavo loses as he is still carrying around The Rock Of Shame known as Bam. Finlay tags in and beats up Chavo. He tags in Bam and he gets beat up too. Bourne sends Bam to the outside and follows with a dive AWWWW FUCK I FORGOT ABOUT THIS, NO DAMMIT.
(was going to insert the GIF here but decided it may not be to everyone’s taste so you can see it here if you want)
Bourne is clearly in pain as we go to break while everyone has a think about what to do next. That decision is…keep on beating up Bourne who can barely stand. Er OK. He somehow manages a dropkick though. All the baddies work over his leg and I’m sure he’s thrilled with that. Bourne eventually tags in to Matt who wears out Chavo for a bit until Bam misses an elbow and hits Chavo. Bam and Neely have a word with each other causing Henry to slam Matt. Horny then attempts to
fuck bite Henry’s leg so Finlay twats Henry yet again with the shillelagh. Hornswoggle then takes out Atlas with a dive to the outside but the finish is somehow Chavo getting a Frog Splash on Matt for the win.
Winners: Chavo Guerrero, Bam Neely & Mark Henry (No fucking clue why Chavo is pinning anyone on TV, never mind the champ. But that doesn’t matter, this match will be sadly remembered as the moment Bourne tore his deltoid ligament and making us all wonder What Could Have Been.)
John Cena returns at Survivor Series so we have the Bobby Lashley/Lex Luger video package of all his family and friends telling you how great he is. Alex Riley is conspicuous by his absence, likely because he didn’t appear on TV until 2010.
Tommy Dreamer responds to Jack Swagger mocking him last week, calling himself old so saying how bad it will be if the young ‘un can’t beat a 19-year veteran tonight.
Jack Swagger vs. Tommy Dreamer
This has been brewing for weeks, ideally this would have paid off on ECW On Sci-Fi Takeover: San Diego. Dreamer uses his default CAW move-set to keep Swagger at bay and it’s not very convincing. Swagger gets the advantage as he nails Dreamer with a knee lift as he enters the ring as we go to break after a thrilling one minute of action. When we return, Swagger is pounding away on Dreamer and the crowd don’t give a shit. Crowd usually love Dreamer because they remember him being chokeslammed through 9001 tables while White Zombie played but he’s getting nothing here as Swagger slaps him around. Striker talks about Raw becoming part of the TV landscape as they’re hitting 800 episodes next week so they’re like The Simpsons. Yeah, people were fans twenty years ago but don’t admit to watching it today. Dreamer’s clothesline off the top gets a mild reaction but the DDT is countered into a Northern Lights Suplex for two so Dreamer counters the Doctor Bomb into a roll-up for a three-count because Fat Ass Dreamer couldn’t kick-out in time. Crowd boos and Swagger gets the Doctor Bomb without tearing anything for the win.
Winner: Jack Swagger (If the idea was for Dreamer to look deliberately bad so Swagger looked good then mission accomplished. If not then rodneydangerfield.jpg )
The Dirt Sheet Starring D-X
You know it’s a special episode as Morrison has the DIAMOND ABS. Morrison says he has enough on his stomach to import all the illegal aliens from the city. Ooof.
They look back at D-X starting in 1997, Morrison says he was in still in high school and just finished his first screenplay. They mock HBK’s mullet and say they don’t send men to a sexy boy’s job in the Palace Of Wisdom. Miz says HHH uses a sledgehammer and tells people to suck it because he’s overcompensating. Also: No-one has more game than THE MIZ. They introduce D-X to the ring and hey look it’s The Young Bucks homaging The Clique before they made that their career.
Morrison is brutal in his running down of D-X. ”Here on the Dirt Sheet we don’t do fart jokes or rely on catchphrases.” No wonder they get destroyed on Raw. Morrison then calls himself The Elite Of The Elite so clearly The Bucks watched this segment back with a note-pad. Miz & Morrison wreck them both and tell us they’ve got two words for D-X,”be jealous.” Miz & Morrison were so good on the mic at this time it wasn’t even a fair contest. Sadly like every other D-X reunited feud (Murdoch & Cade, Legacy, Spirit Squad) The Clique won and then everyone wondered why there’s no headliners below the age of 40 appearing at Saudi Arabia.
Overall: We got a career de-railed, Swagger vs. Dreamer finally happening, Miz & Morrison looking like main eventers and The Young Bucks so definitely a note-worthy episode of ECW even if Chavo is getting wins.
I’ve been Maffew, follow me on twitter or catch me on Cultaholic Podcast every week.