The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Hidden Gems–Survivor Series Showdown 93–11.21.93

The SmarK Rant for WWE Network Hidden Gems – Survivor Series Showdown 93 – 11.21.93

Taped from whatever high school gym they were taping TV at that week.

Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Bobby Heenan, plus Gorilla Monsoon & Jim Ross. TWO HIGH SCHOOL GYMS. That’s a big show!

Doink the Clown v. Bastion Booger

This one is definitely from Bushkill, as evidenced by the huge “FERNWOOD” sign on the wall, and there can’t be more than 2000 people in the building. Booger tries to steal Doink’s scooter, but slips and falls in HILARIOUS fashion. HE CAN’T EVEN RIDE A SCOOTER. HE’S SO STUPID! So the match actually starts and Doink uses a trick arm to further annoy Booger, and I can barely hear myself type over the rabid crowd reaction from the 14 people who paid to be there. Booger misses a charge and Doink trips him up and sends him to the floor. MY SIDES. THEY’RE SPLITTING! Booger finally just splashes him against the post to take over and pounds away in the ring, and it’s once again time to play “Who the fuck is Doink this week?” Clearly it’s not Matt Borne because he was gone by this point, but he looks too short for Steve Lombardi, so I’m thinking it’s Steve Keirn. Booger works the back and Doink slowly bumps to the floor before Booger hauls him back in and beats on him in the corner. Booger continues with the choking and clobbering forearms and the glacial pace here makes me long for the 90 second Russo specials of 1998. Booger with a clothesline for two, but Doink taps him on the shoulder to trick Booger into thinking that the ref did it, and then rolls him up for the pin at 7:35. What a stupid finish. And then Doink puts hot sauce on Booger’s pizza as a hilarious prank. What a start to the show! -***

The All Americans are here for a special interview leading up to their showdown with the Foreign Fanatics. It is not OK that they are not American, and the All-Americans will show them that.

Meanwhile, Todd Pettingill teaches us how to order PPV. You just call your cable company, apparently! Boy, Todd must not have been trying to order PPV in Canada at the time. Also, what’s PPV?

Meanwhile, on RAW, Crush turns on Randy Savage and Savage is quite upset about it.

Crush v. Virgil

I believe we’re still in Bushkill, but they’ve switched the banners to cover up the Fernwood sign with an ICOPRO sign in order to pretend that it’s a different arena. I have no idea why. Some quick investigation reveals that it’s actually Delhi, NY, which happens to look exactly the same, I guess. Crush beats on Virgil while the crowd chants “USA” to taunt a guy famously from Hawaii, but Virgil shoulderblocks him to the floor for his usual minimal offense. Back in, Virgil tries a rollup and Crush kicks him in the face and slowly pounds on him to take over. Virgil manages an O’Connor roll out of the corner for two, but Crush chokes him down again as Vince gives the match his highest recommendation: SEE SAW MATCHUP, BACK AND FORTH. Virgil comes back with a middle rope clothesline and slugs Crush to the floor, but dives onto him like a geek and gets slammed into the apron. THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING. Back in, Crush tries a suplex, but Virgil cradles him for two and then Crush cuts him off again and uses Hawaiian martial arts on him. Crush tries the Million Dollar Dream (aka the Fuck Money) but Crush shrugs him off and finishes him off with the TEMPLE MASSAGE OF DEATH at 7:53. Phrenology was never so deadly! *

Meanwhile, on Superstars, Rick Martel gets a rematch with Razor Ramon for the IC title, but ends up losing the match due to the clumsy antics of Harvey Wippleman. This all leads to a huge argument with all the midcard heels on the same team at Survivor Series, but the all work it out.

And then THIS…

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Yes, it’s Reo Rodgers and Shawn Michaels, who go to “Calgary” to meet up with Stu and Helen. For those who don’t remember Reo or have it blocked out, Bruce Prichard decided that doing an exaggerated Dusty Rhodes impression would be the height of comedy. Of course, there’s no Stu or Helen in Calgary, but rather two people with old person masks. This is such a colossal flop that they just pull the plug and cut back to the show less than a minute in.

Marty Jannetty v. IRS

Back to the original Bushkill setup with Gorilla & JR on commentary again for this one. This one is billed as “The former Intercontinental champion against the man who wants to be Intercontinental champion” and that’s seriously the best they could come up with? Because I don’t want to accuse anyone of anything, but you could probably be assured that Marty cheated on his taxes or something. They slug it out as JR has to call this “a capacity crowd” with a straight face. IRS should have been on the Foreign Fanatics, because he might not be Russian, but he sure is Stalin. Marty slugs him down and works the armbar, then goes to an extended headlock before IRS reverses to a headscissors. Finally Irwin tosses him and runs him into the apron (THE HARDEST PART OF THE RING!) a few times to take over. Back in, Marty rolls him up for two, but IRS clobbers him down again and follows with a back elbow for two. Gorilla: “Just multiply this by four times or eight to get an idea of what the Survivor Series will be like!” And he says this while IRS is laying in a chinlock on the mat. EIGHT TIMES THE CHINLOCKS! This goes on FUCKING FOREVER and finally Marty fights out of it and whips Irwin into the corner to make the comeback, and a kneelift gets two. Sunset flip gets two, but IRS suplexes him for two. Marty with a back elbow, but Irwin hits the Write Off lariat and Marty does the 360 sell and that’s all she wrote at 12:35. You know it’s a Survivor Series warmup because people are already getting pinned with clotheslines. Match of the night so far! *1/2

The Foreign Fanatics are dedicating tonight’s main event to Pierre, who is at home recovering from Luger’s forearm and thus unable to compete tonight. Are we sure it wasn’t Nia Jax who took him out? The evidence is piling up.

Survivor Series Report! With Todd!

Holy god is this show over yet or what? I’m less and less sad that these never aired in Canada.

WWF title: Yokozuna v. Bret Hart

Bret quickly dropkicks Yoko to the floor as the Canadian leads to the crowd in chants of “USA” against the guy from San Francisco. Yoko stops to yell at the crowd on the way in, so Bret catches him with a sleeper and slugs away on him. Yoko smothers him in the corner and drops an elbow, and Bret bails to the floor to get a breather. Fuji gets a shot with the flag and we take a break. Back with Yoko still in control, but Bret fires back until Yoko goes low behind the ref’s back. And it’s time for the VULCAN NERVE PINCH OF DOOM, but Bret fights out, so Yoko tosses him and beats on him with a chair. Vince promises that Jack Tunney will take action against Yokozuna for those actions! And yet Doink and Bastion Booger continued to walk the streets as free men after the opening match. WHERE’S THE JUSTICE? We take another break and return with Bret making another comeback, only to be cut off by a Yoko legdrop. A gallant effort by Bret, but clearly the match is over, notes Vince. You might as well ring the bell, etc etc. Yoko chokes away in the corner, but misses the corner splash and Bret makes another comeback. He throws clotheslines until Yoko goes down for two, then goes up and lands in a bearhug. Bret bites the ear to escape and goes up with the flying bulldog for two. Middle rope elbow gets two. Bret fires up, but walks into a belly to belly suplex. Yoko misses a splash and Bret hooks him in the Sharpshooter, sort of, and Vince is sure Yoko said “I Quit”. Maybe Vince should go tell the timekeeper to ring the bell! Owen Hart wanders down to ringside slapping hands for no adequately explored reason, while Fuji slowly waddles in and hits Bret with the salt bucket behind the ref’s back. And then Owen runs into the ring and uses the salt bucket on Yokozuna to draw a DQ at 16:02. Well now I don’t blame Bret for treating him so badly. Maybe mind your own damn business, Owen! Match was perfectly cromulent with a god-awful finish. ***1/4

The various announcers blab about bullshit over the green screens as we wrap it up with a bonus rap from Men on a Mission.

People were actually EXCITED when this got added to the Network? Four matches spread over two hours? Not exactly the Last Battle of Atlanta, that’s for sure.