The SmarK RAW Rant – 12.27.99
Live from Greensboro, NC, the LAST RAW OF THE CENTURY.
Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler
D-Generation X joins us to start, including Billy Gunn with his t-shirt knotted at the belly like a woman and cargo pants. What a talent. So HHH has nearly accomplished all his goals, but he’s got one left: The WWF title. TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING, it’s Big Show against HHH, plus X-Pac v. Kane. The McMahon-Helmsley Era is tired of people questioning their authority and “rebel rousing’. But Mankind interrupts, and he thinks about a year ago when he was carried around on DX’s shoulders as champion for the first time. But now, they’re a bunch of gutless cowards scurrying around and hiding behind mom and dad. Road Dogg is a bootlick! Billy Gunn is an ass-kisser! And if HHH does win the title, he’ll leave the rest of the group in the woods because he’s only using them. Great line from Mick, as he tells the Outlaws that HHH doesn’t care about them, and then tells X-Pac that “no one damn sure cares about YOU.” D-X goes to attack, but Rock makes the save and they scurry away as noted. So that’s all HHH can take, as this place is no longer big enough for all of them, and tonight it’s Rock v. Mankind in a “Pink slip on a pole” match, where the loser gets fired. Oh man this show is gonna crush Nitro in the ratings.
Chyna v. Crash Holly
Crash gets a weak clothesline for two after attacking, but Chyna fires back with forearms in the corner and her terrible handspring elbow. DDT gets two. Drop sleeper gets the pin at 1:10. Hardcore Holly is DISGUSTED on commentary. “That’s not what I taught him! I taught him to win!” ½*
Meanwhile, Tori reunites with Kane, and it turns out that she had a great time with X-Pac, who was apparently a perfect gentleman the entire time. But she was thinking about Kane the whole time.
Meanwhile, Tori meets up with Test, who puts an arm around her and causes her to freak out and run away. Well, he is a bit of a creep.
The Godfather & D-Lo Brown v. The Dudley Boyz v. Edge & Christian v. The Acolytes
Rodney is the guest ring announcer, Pete Gas is the guest timekeeper, and Joey Abs is the guest referee for some reason. The Dudleyz debut the camo outfits here that would last them for the next two decades and it’s 100% improvement over the tie-dye. D-Lo dominates D-Von to start, and hits a Sky High on Bubba for two. Over to Faarooq, who hits a spinebuster on D-Von, but the Posse attack Bradshaw on the floor while the Dudz get a fast-count assisted pin on Faarooq at 2:32. And then the Posse take their usual beating from the Acolytes afterwards as this pointless feud continues. *
Meanwhile, Tori cries to Kane about Test laying hands on her with LUST in his eyes. Kane responds by yelling like Anakin at the end of Revenge of the Sith.
Meanwhile, HHH is pretty tired of this whole “Kurt Angle undefeated streak” thing and so he’s booked him against the Headbangers. Stephanie is dubious. Also, Kane bursts in and he wants Test tonight instead of the previously announced X-Pac match.
The Headbangers v. Kurt Angle
The Headbangers, wearing stuffed bras for no adequately explored reason, double-team Angle and get their finisher, but Steve Blackman walks in and hits Mosh with the stick, allowing Angle to get the pin at 1:02. DUD
Meanwhile, Stephanie protests that she told Blackman not to interfere, but he’s pretty dumb and so he forgot.
Meanwhile, Mankind warns us that he might have to do some bad stuff tonight, but he was forced into it by HHH.
Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. Al Snow
Snow lets us know that he’s not here for our entertainment tonight. Um, which nights was he here to entertain us, so I can document them properly? Snow attacks to start and Jericho gets a sunset flip and they trade counters off that. Snow bails to the apron and Jericho follows with the springboard dropkick, but Chyna runs in and attacks Snow for the DQ at 1:10. “Chyna just gave Al Snow head!” notes JR. WHAT IS THIS RELATIONSHIP, we ask for the 17th show in a row. What are with these ridiculously short matches and terrible finishes, more like? ½*
Meanwhile, Mark Henry talks Harvey into a double date with Mae & Moolah. I can feel the comedy coming a mile away.
Pink Slip on a Pole: Mankind v. The Rock
I’ve been watching The Confession Tapes on Netflix, featuring people convicted of horrible crimes with no physical evidence based only on coerced confessions from police, but that’s NOTHING compared to the gross unfairness displayed by HHH in booking this. Both guys go for the pole early on and yank each other down, and Rock gets a DDT and climbs, but Snow comes out and hits Rock with Head because it’s no DQ. So Mankind climbs, but then changes his mind and turns on Snow and tosses him out of the ring instead. Rock Bottom follows and both guys are out as Snow leaves and vows never to return. Rock goes up and Mankind goes low to stop him and pounds away in the corner, then gets the double arm DDT and goes for the sock. He puts Rock down with the claw and climbs to the pole, but Rock pops up at the last second and rams Mick’s head into the pole, sending him to the floor and allowing Rock to climb the pink slip at 6:11. Tremendous heat, but nothing much to the match. ** Afterwards, Mick admits that he was planning to retire sometime in 2000, but he wasn’t ready quite yet.
So that’s his FIRST retirement.
Meanwhile, Mick hangs out with the Hardyz and Edge & Christian and lets them know that they’re the future of the company. Well, he wasn’t wrong.
Val Venis & The Kat v. Viscera & Jacqueline v. Prince Albert & Ivory v. Gangrel & Luna
What the fuck is THIS? Nice to see Gangrel and Luna able to celebrate their weird love together on screen for the first time, and Luna looks really happy on the way to the ring. Well that’s nice. Albert quickly hits a Baldo Bomb on Val, but misses an elbow and Val tags Luna in. Albert beats on her with an elbow, but she hits him in the nuts and tags Val back in. Val puts Vis on the floor with a shoulderblock and hits Gangrel with a spinebuster to set up the Money Shot, but Gangrel isn’t legal and Albert hits the pump kick to finish at 2:00. Completely pointless nonsense. DUD
Speaking of nonsense, the double date proceeds about as well as you’d expect. Harvey reads a “poem” to Moolah.
Meanwhile, Mick says goodbye to everyone in the truck.
X-Pac v. Jeff Hardy
Matt is still sporting a shiner from last week, and you could say he’s broken. Jeff flips out of an armbar and gets a dropkick, then puts X-Pac on the floor and follows with a baseball slide and springs back into the ring with a corkscrew moonsault that misses. X-Pac faceplants him for two and drops a leg for two. He throws chops in the corner and goes up for a senton that misses, and Jeff makes the comeback. Springboard moonsault gets two. Flying headscissors puts X-Pac on the floor and Jeff tries the rail runner, but misses. X-Pac puts the moves on Terri, but she helps Jeff with a Whisper in the Wind and Jeff goes up with the swanton for two. Jeff springboards into a suplex, but X-Pac goes low and finishes with the X-Factor at 4:10. Oh man, X-Pac looked SOOOO out of date here, with Jeff doing all this state of art stuff at 100mph. ***
Meanwhile, Mark Henry signs an autograph for a redneck at another table (Harvey: “It’s spelled “M…a…r…k…”) but the guy asks him why Mark’s such a loser all the time and Mae Young goes nuts and attacks him.
Kane v. Test
Test protests that he didn’t touch Tori and he’s got enough woman problems of his own, so maybe she should take some Midol and chill out. Obviously diplomacy is not Test’s strong suit. Kane obviously attacks him and chokes away in the corner to start, then puts him down with a big boot while Tori yells for more punishment. Test comes back with a neckbreaker and they brawl to the floor, where Kane hits him with the stairs. Quality refereeing here: “Kane, what are you doing, come on?” Finally Kane just shoves the ref down for the DQ at 2:55. And then Test takes a tombstone and Tori slaps him around as well. Every time you think they’ve found rock bottom for poor Test, they find another level of geekdom. ½*
Meanwhile, Mick says farewell to the various Stooges and agents.
WWF tag team title: The New Age Outlaws v. Too Cool
Scott quickly gets the Worm on Road Dogg (still with no reaction) but Gunn attacks Scotty from behind and slugs away in the corner to take over. Dogg misses a legdrop and Sexay gets the hot tag and drops Dogg on the top rope. Gunn sends Scotty into the stairs, but Rikishi saves and takes out Gunn, while Sexay hits the Stroke on Dogg and goes up to finish. Alabama Jam follows, but X-Pac runs in and hits the X-Factor and the Outlaws retain at 2:45. You can definitely feel the X-Pac Heat building as the annoying little weasel constantly wins and never gets his comeuppance. And we still have two more months of the Outlaws with the tag titles left! *1/2
Meanwhile, HHH and Stephanie are sick of Mick’s farewell tour and have security throw him out on his ass.
Meanwhile, Mark and Mae bask in the afterglow, and it turns out that Harvey also scored with Moolah. Still better off than Test.
WWF title: Big Show v. HHH
HHH announces that the match is no DQ, but D-X should stay at the entrance and not inferfere, WINK WINK. Show pounds away in the corner to start and hurls him around the ring and to the floor. HHH bumps into the crowd and Show throws him back into the ring again, but then charges and lands on the floor. Hunter sends him into the post and runs him into the stairs. Back in, HHH slugs away to no effect, and Show puts him down with headbutts and follows with a big boot. Show goes up and misses an elbow, but the ref is bumped and both guys are out. So D-X comes out and do their damage, and that gets two. HHH very loudly yells “side slam” on camera while pretending to berate the ref, and indeed Show gets a side slam for two. The Outlaws continue interfering, but Show comes back and chokeslams everyone until HHH whacks him with a chair and goes to finish. And then Mankind returns, hits HHH with a chair, and Show chokeslams HHH to retain at 6:00 to a huge pop. This was fine. **1/4
Kind of a slog this week, actually. It took me a few tries to finish this one, probably because it was too much D-X and short bad matches. Not terrible but it didn’t particularly hold my attention.