We’re in Skoplane, WA (home of Chuck Jones & David Lynch so it sounds like a lovely place). Matt Hardy retained at No Mercy last week so our main event is announced as…an eight man tag guest-starring Kofi Kingston and CM Punk. And absolutely nothing is made of the fact the former World Heavyweight Champion is returning to ECW, Striker simply hypes the ”young, upcoming talent” and try to pretend Punk’s Worst Run As Heavyweight Champion Since Tim Sylvia didn’t happen.
Finlay & Tommy Dreamer vs. Mike Knox & Jack Swagger
Swagger has been attacking Dreamer after his matches and this is his first proper match against him. Match starts with Fit naturally beating the shit out of Knox. Dreamer tags in and unleashes the power of his basic-yet-over move-set (suplex! running bulldog!) until Swagger attempts to yank Dreamer so he responds with a clothesline off the apron. Striker: ”The zeppelin-like Dreamer! Such grace!” Knox pump kicks Tommy off the apron as we go to break.
When we’re back we’re treated to the site of Dreamer reacting to the harsh atmosphere of Mars. Swagger & Knox work over Dreamer until Jack misses a Vader Bomb. Finlay gets the hot tag and has the time of his life beating up Knox, even flying off the second rope with a dropkick. It breaks down as Dreamer takes Swagger to the outside for further beatings so Hornswoggle gets a Tadpole Splash to Knox and Finlay follows with a Shillelagh for good measure.
Winners: Finlay & Tommy Dreamer (Solid tag with a warm crowd but I don’t get the point of Swagger losing so early in to his run. Finlay pounding Knox made up for it though.)
Backstage, Teddy Long is dressed as Dracula and Tiffany is dressed as a devil and sadly they have to try acting. Jamie Noble trick and treats and insists he’s in costume as
mini chris benoit himself. Mark Henry barges in and tells Jamie ”we got grown folk business to handle.” This angers Noble who demands a match. Henry was awesome here, condescending the hell out of Noble. ”Yeah, don’t let me disrespect you!”
Promo for the return of The Boogeyman. You can tell he’s based on horror films because he never fucking goes away.
Mark Henry vs. Jamie Noble
Jamie’s able to avoid Henry with a forward roll until he makes the mistake of getting into headbutt-distance of Henry. Striker goes off on a rant about WWE not publishing their injury reports unlike other sports. They do, but they’re written by Dr. Chris Amann so they’re blank. Henry beats up Noble until Jamie gets a bit of offence and flies with a crossbody off the top and into the waiting arms of Henry who slams him for the win.
Winner: Mark Henry
Henry then keeps on pounding as No Nut November is coming up and he needs to get his shit in until Hardy makes the save. Tony Atlas distracts so Henry can slam Hardy and deliver a splash.
RAW REBOUND: World Champion Chris Jericho is GM for the night so he remakes Over The Edge ’98 with Batista vs. JBL with himself as referee but Mike Adamle’s appointed ref makes the real count and Dave wins. Adamle then makes the Cyber Sunday gimmick with the choices as Orton, HBK and STEVE AUSTIN PICK STEVE AUSTIN as the special guest ref to distract from the lack of anything between Jericho and Batista.
Kofi Kingston, Ricky Ortiz, Evan Bourne & CM Punk vs. Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, John Morrison & The Miz
We get a quick look at last night’s Raw (sponsored by DEAD SPACE which is perfect for a PG-rated show) with Ted DiBiase beating Kofi thanks to Legacy distraction and oh my god we get a Manu appearance.
That’s worth the price of admission alone. Striker tells us not to blink or we may miss the ascension of a huge star. Or a falling one in the case of Punk, who gets a quick entrance and mention of past glory like Jinder Mahal gets now. Cody and Bourne start with Bourne getting the best of it with his quickness. Punk tags in and the crowd erupts so the baddies immediately isolate him. Punk’s able to make the tag to Ricky Ortiz who makes a badger’s arse out of a clothesline spot and thankfully tags out. Bourne and Punk fly in and all the goodies take out the wrong ‘uns with dropkicks as we go to break.
When we’re back, Bourne is getting stretched as we get highlights of Manu launching Bourne into the guard-rail ”like a coconut out of a tree” during the break. Ted gets a falling punch like his dad and turns Bourne into an accordion.
Miz & Morrison double-team the CTE out of Bourne as the hard camera actually shakes from the crowd’s support for Evan. ”Cody has been cialis-like in his effectiveness over the last three days.” Christ Striker. Bourne continues to get smacked around until he makes the hot tag to Punk who takes apart John Morrison with the vintage 2007 offence. It breaks down with Ricky O taking out the bad guys at ringside with Kingston following with a big-arse dive.
”The Jamaican getting high!” Manu distracts Punk and Morrison nails Moonlight Drive to pin Punk and to deflate the crowd, just like old times.
Winners: Cody Rhodes, Ted DiBiase, John Morrison & The Miz (Fun tag match that didn’t go long enough to be anything special but contained your weekly dosage of Bourne dying. Crowd didn’t care about the lack of hype for Punk (or Kofi for that matter) as they were all over him like Striker and inappropriate remarks.)
Overall: Like the last few weeks, there’s nothing bad on the show (except Ortiz doing anything other than strikes) but there’s not much to make you want to watch weekly. Feud-wise we have Swagger vs. Dreamer and Hardy vs. Henry and that’s it, so the main event tag match may have star power but it’ll forgotten about in a week so who gives a shit?
I’ve been Maffew and you can follow me on Twitter for GIFs, Simpsons and raging over Crash HD Trilogy.