The SmarK RAW Rant–12.20.99

The SmarK RAW Rant – 12.20.99

Live from Houston, TX, drawing a sellout of 12,000.

Your hosts are JR & Michael PS Hayes

Test v. The New Age Outlaws

Yes, the neverending torture of Test continues unabated this week. Test quickly tries to piledrive Road Dogg and gets jumped by Billy and kicked in the nose for two. He fights back valiantly and tries his pumphandle, but Gunn dropkicks him in the nose again for two, and jackhammers him before finishing with the fameasser at 3:22. I’m sure Test will get some revenge any day now! Cough. ½*

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Meanwhile, the Hardy Boyz and Edge & Christian all protest to HHH that they’re sick of fighting each other, so he books Edge & Matt v. Christian & Jeff instead. That’s some monkey’s paw ironic shit right there.

Meanwhile, Kurt Angle meets up with the McMahons, and Hunter is immediately jealous (“Ooo, a gold medalist, whoop de do!”) and books him against Viscera as punishment. The Posse as the Stooges 2K and HHH’s constant abuse of them (“HEY, SHUT UP!”) is some pretty funny comic timing.

Matt Hardy & Edge v. Christian & Jeff Hardy

Well that one team would be a lot more awkward a few years later. Jeff sends Edge to the floor with a baseball slide and Christian hits a springboard dropkick to follow, and they all slug it out in the ring. Matt hits Christian with a Splash Mountain and tosses him, and Team Cuckold goes to work on Jeff. Matt with a backdrop suplex on Jeff for two. Edge chokes him out on the ropes, as does Matt, and Edge gets two off a slam. Jeff fights back with a dropkick out of a powerbomb attempt and Christian gets a hot tag, but hits Jeff out of habit. Matt and Edge double-team him with an elbow for two, but Jeff saves with a swanton on Matt for two. Edge spears Jeff for two, and Matt hits Christian with the Unprettier for two. Edge misses a charge on Christian and gets dumped, and Christian hits the Unprettier on Matt and Jeff finishes him with the 450 at 5:14. Pretty hot match, and Matt & Edge made a good team! I mean, even though they lost. Lot of fun here. **3/4

Meanwhile, Mae & Moolah get Christmas greetings from the McMahons, and HHH offers them a chance to shine by booking them against the Acolytes and Dudley Boyz in a triple threat match.

The McMahon-Helmsley Era call Jim Ross into the ring and make Kevin Dunn put their pictures beside the Titantron for the rest of the show, in the name of being festive. HHH takes JR down and threatens another armbar as revenge for Jim calling Steph a bitch last week, but Mankind saves because he can’t stands no more! Up until now he’s kept his mouth shut, but now he’s here to tell them that this era sucks. Also, he’s offended by Stephanie’s Santa hat, and although he usually says “Ho ho ho”, she’s probably not the kind he had in mind. So HHH is sick of Mick getting into his business, and tonight it’s a boiler room brawl against an unknown opponent. And of course Stephanie slaps him on the way out.

Kurt Angle v. Viscera

Angle tries a takedown and gets bulldogged, sort of, although it more like Vis just sitting down on his ass. Angle slugs away in the corner, but Vis gets a samoan drop. He misses a leg lariat and Angle fights back with dropkicks and a missile dropkick. Steve Blackman comes out, hits Vis with the kendo stick, and the Angle Slam finishes at 1:58. ½*

Meanwhile, Stephanie reveals that she sent Blackman out to make sure “Kurt Cute” won the match.

Fabulous Moolah & Mae Young v. The Dudley Boyz v. The Acolytes

The Dudleyz attack the ladies to start, but the Acolytes quickly make the save and Bradshaw holds Bubba while the women get some shots in. Bubba quickly punches them both out and slams Mae to set up the Wazzup, and that finishes at 1:35. Bubba as the slimiest heel ever was amazing here and they were tantalizingly close to adding tables to the act and getting over for good. DUD

Meanwhile, HHH reveals that in fact Santa Claus will be Mankind’s mystery opponent tonight. Mankind is pretty broken up about it, questioning whether giving Santa a knee in his belly, which shakes like a bowl full of jelly, would make him a tough guy. The Posse attacks him, and Mick laughs about getting his ass kicked by the Mean Street Posse and winds up in the boiler room. Santa is there to start the match, so Mick offers to “put him over” and leave, but more Santas attack him and Mick is forced to defend himself. He goes to leave, but another pair of Santas stop him, which turns out to be the New Age Outlaws. Mick destroys them as well while singing carols, but yet ANOTHER Santa beats on him with his bag of toys, and that one is HHH, who is declared the winner by the referee. This was all very wacky.

Meanwhile, Al Snow DEMANDS a match with the Rock to settle things, in a “Brahma Bullrope” match. HHH reminds him never to demand anything, but makes the match anyway because he likes annoying the Rock.

Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. the Godfather

So this was the week where Jericho had the big blowup with HHH and Vince backstage, with HHH complaining about Chyna getting potatoed and going to Vince because Jericho “didn’t know how to work”, which got to the point where Jericho was actually offered his release before things got smoothed over by X-Pac offering to teach Jericho more ring psychology. How big of him. Anyway, Godfather goes for the Ho Train and Chyna comes in and hits him in the nuts so that Jericho gets the pin at 2:44 to retain. Anyway, back to Jericho, as the other issue raised was that Jericho was “supposed” to be a heel, but people were cheering him too much and they had to turn him babyface. This was apparently Jericho’s fault. *

Meanwhile, HHH introduces the first ever Topless Top Rope match to Terri and BB, as they are compelled to strip every time Hardcore Holly and Val Venis throw each other over the top rope.

Topless Top Rope match: Hardcore Holly v. Val Venis

Unsurprisingly, this was the ratings winner of the night. So both guys go over the top rope right away, and HHH makes the ladies take off their dresses because shoes don’t count. They’d have a hell of a sexual harassment lawsuit here. HHH declares himself a “god among men” and we continue the match. Bob slugs away on Val and throws him out, but Val hangs onto the top rope and Bob hauls him down and into the crowd for the win at 3:10. So BB has to remove her bra or lose her job, and HHH covers her up with his jacket while getting the only view of her. And then he laughs at the idiot fans who thought they’d get to see anything, in an epic troll.

Bullrope match: The Rock v. Al Snow

Rock proceeds to laying the smackdown as Snow runs away, so Rock pulls him back by the rope and clotheslines him on the floor. Back in, Snow uses the cowbell for two and clotheslines him with the rope before choking him out with it. Then he hangs him in the corner and follows with a back elbow, and hangs him in the corner again before Rock slams him by the rope to come back. Samoan drop gets two. Rock slugs him down in the corner, but Snow takes out the ref and hits Rock with the cowbell again. Snow grabs a chair, but Rock DDTs him onto it as the Outlaws run in and Rock cleans house. People’s Elbow on Snow, but Road Dogg hits him with a chair on the rebound and Snow gets two. Rock continues beating on the Outlaws, but a fameasser GETS THE PIN AT 5:44?!? Jesus Rock, have some self-respect. **

Meanwhile, the Posse are so excited about the Rock losing that they spill a drink on Stephanie. But Hunter is very understanding, so he books them against Too Cool instead of the Acolytes.

Meanwhile, Tori continues complaining about her treatment, so Hunter gives Kane a title shot at Big Show, and if Kane loses, Tori spends the holidays with X-Pac. I don’t know which person I’d feel worse for.

The Mean Street Posse v. Rikishi & Too Cool

This was supposed to be a handicap match, as per the Posse’s understanding of the booking, but I guess HHH wasn’t as understanding of the spilled drink as he pretended to be. So the Posse, still in their tuxedos, attack Rikishi in the corner, but Too Cool cleans house on them and Joey Abs gets squashed in the corner by Rikishi. This sets up the Worm from Scotty (still without all the pomp and circumstance that would follow, but it’s getting there), but Rodney saves. The Posse works Scotty over in the corner for a bit and Joey gets a suplex for two. Joey goes up and misses a flying elbow, and its hot tag Rikishi. It’s a pier six brawl and Rikishi buttdrops Joey’s abs and then piledrives Rodney for the pin at 4:05. Pete Gas continues protesting that it was supposed to be 3 on 2, but JR tells him to “take it up with management or your union rep or whatever” while the babyfaces dance. Just a match. *1/2

WWF title: The Big Show v. Kane

Show gets a legsweep and drops an elbow for two while the Helmsleys watch from their airchair on the ramp. Kane comes back with the KANEZUIGIRI to put Show on the floor and follows with a flying clothesline to the floor, but Show drops him on the railing. Kane runs him into the post and this might be the most energetic match between these two that I’ve ever seen. Show grabs a chair and beats on him for the DQ at 2:15, but Hunter “reminds” the ref that it’s no DQ. They continue brawling on the floor and get counted out at 3:00, but this time Stephanie reminds us that it’s no countouts and falls count anywhere. So we continue and Show gets backdropped onto the floor, with Kane following with a clothesline off the railing for two. Show comes back with a suplex on the floor for two and they slug it out impressively until Show runs Kane into the stairs, which Kane then dropkicks into Show’s face. And this brings out the Outlaws, AGAIN, interfering in their third match tonight, and Show uses the distraction to powerbomb Kane through the announce table and pin him at 6:50 to retain. Probably the best Kane-Show match I’ve ever seen, in fact. *** And then the Outlaws kidnap Tori for some presumed rape at the hands of X-Pac over the holidays. Oh, that wacky D-X! Threatening people with firing if they don’t strip and then raping other people’s girlfriends. And then Vince wondered by nutjobs like L. Brent Bozell got traction with advertisers.

Anyway, this was a fun and wacky show that flew by with nothing particularly insulting, aside from Rock lowering himself to doing a job for Al Snow. HHH is a pretty good booker, apparently.