The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown–12.16.99

The SmarK Rant for WWF Smackdown – 12.16.99

So HHH and Stephanie remain in charge this week, because HHH didn’t yet hate working Thursdays. They actually spend the first 5:00 of the show recapping RAW, so you know stuff happened.

HHH and Steph are running a roster meeting to start, and Steph has switched from leather pants to leather skirt today. HHH promises that those who have been held down, will be given their chance to shine. And all the silver platters will be taken away! So yes, we’ll have Al Snow v. Mick Foley and Rock v. Big Show tonight. It’s the MCMAHON-HELMSLEY ERA! That’s cool, it was a pretty good era.

Taped from Florida State University, or “Tallahassee” for those us who don’t work for the WWF. So weird how they only name certain cities by campus. The show was a sellout of 6500.

Your hosts are Michael Cole and Jerry Lawler

Intercontinental title: Chris Jericho v. Prince Albert

Jericho’s babyface turn is cemented here as he cuts off Bossman’s promo and tells him to shut the hell up. Albert attacks to start and Jericho hits the leg lariat, while Chyna comes out to watch the match. Albert with the Baldobomb thanks to the distraction and he hits a butterfly suplex for two. Albert with a pump kick for two and we cut to the back, where the Helmsleys watch the match and realize that neither one actually booked the match. Jericho comes back with a bulldog and tries for the Walls, but Bossman provides distraction and Albert gets the nightstick, at which point Chyna goes low on him and Jericho finishes with the Lionsault at 2:41 to retain. This Chyna storyline is death. Match was OK for what it got. *1/2

Meanwhile, HHH gets into a spat with Stephanie, so she decides to watch Kurt Angle (who is kind of cute) wrestle Test.

Kurt Angle v. Test

Let’s see how they can bury Test this week. Angle hits a german suplex during Stephanie’s entrance, but Test gets a neckbreaker and sideslam. He stops to yell at Steph and Angle rolls him up for two. Test comes back with a Russian legsweep and Doctor bomb for two. Full nelson slam while Steph is ogling Kurt Angle on commentary, but Test slugs away in the corner and Steph calls for a DQ at 3:00 because he was using a closed fist. Hey, as long they’re consistent, that’s fair! Decently entertaining and at least Test didn’t have to take a Pedigree this week. Yet. ** And then of course the Outlaws and X-Pac all jump him from behind and HHH punches him in the nose and breaks it. How much worse can it get for this poor guy?

Meanwhile, the stooges make the mistake of helping Test get to the EMTs, so the McMahons put them in a match with the Outlaws to punish them.

Jeff Hardy v. Matt Hardy

More wacky booking from the MHE. They trade hammerlocks and Jeff works the arm, but Matt gets all fired up and the SHIRTS ARE OFF. Terri tries to calm things down, but they exchange chops in the corner and Jeff dropkicks him out of the ring. Matt hits a cool handspring DDT off the apron and they just blow past it and move into a chinlock in the ring. Jeff comes back with a rana, but Matt reverses into a sunset flip for two and they do the pinfall reversal sequence they’ve probably been practicing since birth. Jeff misses a charge and then misses a springboard moonsault, but Matt bails and Jeff follows with the top con hilo. Back in, that gets two. Jeff tries a superplex and Matt reverses to a facebuster for two. Back to the top and Jeff sends him down and follows with the swanton for two. They fight over a piledriver and Jeff legsweeps him, but misses a 450 and Matt gets the pin at 5:22. And everyone reconciles afterwards so it’s fine. Fun match! ***

Meanwhile, Tori complains about getting repeatedly humiliated, so Steph challenges her to a match.

Meanwhile, the Posse declare that they’ve learned their lesson and will now offer loyalty to the McMahon-Helmsley Era.

Tori v. Stephanie McMahon-Helmsley

BUT WAIT! Turns out that the match was just a ruse, while the Posse beats up Kane in the catering area backstage. And of course there’s plenty of metal poles to go CLANG CLANG CLANG. And furthermore, here’s Tori’s real opponent.

Tori v. X-Pac

Well seems to go against the claims of fairness. X-Pac quickly gets the broncobuster and finishes with the carpet muncher at 0:44. Lots of crotch-related offense here. Maybe that’s why Tori turned on Kane and joined with X-Pac? She just realized how much she loved it. DUD

Meanwhile, HHH wasn’t impressed with the job that the Posse did of taking out Kane, since Kane was still standing at the end. So they get another match with the Acolytes.

Falls Count Anywhere: Mankind v. Al Snow

Well, maybe we’ll actually get the crazy brawl they’ve been building towards. Snow brings a baseball bat, but Mick attacks on the way into the ring and Snow puts him on the floor with the bat. Snow swings and breaks the bat on the post and Mick comes back and runs him into the table and beats on him with a chair, for two. They choke each other out and Snow finds the dreaded cookie sheets under the ring for some damage, as well as the trash can lid. Back in, Snow chokes him out, but Mick DDTs him on a street sign to set up Mr. Socko. Snow runs away from that and suplexes Mick on the ramp, then brings him in for the BOWLING BOWL OF DOOM spot. Mick uses BBQ tongs on the nuts to block and slugs away in the corner, then bowls the ball onto Snow’s junk and clotheslines him to the floor. It’s fitting, because most Al Snow matches are about as enjoyable as taking a bowling ball to the nuts. They fight up the ramp and into the back, where they end up in the DX locker room. When they emerge, Snow is down and out and Mick gets the pin at 8:05. And then the Rock comes out and reveals that it’s actually HIS dressing room and he hit Snow with a chair. So I guess that’s the end of that storyline. Another fun match and a decent blowoff that wraps everything up. ***

Edge v. Christian

Oh, that wacky McMahon-Helmsley Era, messing with the tag teams to protect the Outlaws. I didn’t even know Christian had his own music, but he has something here that I suspect is overdubbed because the commentary suddenly cuts out. They trade headlocks to start and Edge hits a leg lariat to send Christian to the floor, but Christian catches him with a springboard bodypress out there. Back in, Christian hits a rolling suplex into a facebuster for two. Inverted DDT gets two. Edge blocks a blind charge and comes back with a powerbomb, but Christian reverses into a sunset flip for two, and Edge reverses that for two. Edge reverses a rana into a powerbomb for two and sets up for the spear, but Christian dodges him and tries the Unprettier, which Edge escapes. He goes up and Christian follows for a superplex, but Edge blocks and hits a crossbody for two, and Christian rolls through for two. Another rollup from Christian, but Edge reverses for the pin at 3:56. That looked wonky but the match was fine, even if the crowd was dead. Replay shows that the ref actually counted one for Christian and then the remaining two for Edge, so Edge kind of got screwed. **1/2

Meanwhile, the Mean Street Posse decides that running away is the better part of valor, but HHH cuts them off and sends them back to the ring to face their punishment.

The Acolytes v. The Mean Street Posse

The Acolytes attack and throw the Posse around like geeks, and Faarooq kills Rodney dead with a spinebuster at 0:30. He then uses a Florida chop on Pete Gas for a huge pop and they further destroy the Posse outside and Bradshaw adds another sick chairshot on Rodney. I’d say the Posse has definitely learned a lesson.

Meanwhile, Jim Ross talks about how terrible the actions of Stephanie and HHH have been, and how ashamed of them he’s become. That’s not gonna work out well for him.

Meanwhile, JR faces the bosses and gets slapped around by Stephanie.

Too Cool & Rikishi v. Hardcore Holly, Crash Holly & Viscera

They’re already phasing out the “Phatu”, as the graphic lists it but the ring announcement is just “Rikishi”. Sexay slams crash and goes up with a missile dropkick to start, but misses an elbow and it’s over to Hardcore. Rikishi hammers Hardcore and gets a superkick, and that sets up Scotty for the proto-Worm. Michael Cole calls it “The centipede” at this point and it gets no pop. Scotty goes up and gets powerslammed by Bob on the way down, and he follows with a delayed suplex. Viscera comes in with a samoan drop on Scotty and adds a tree slam, and Hardcore gets a clothesline for two. Hardcore goes up and lands on Scotty’s foot and it’s hot tag Rikishi, as he runs wild on the Hollies and it’s BONZO GONZO. Viscera takes CHEEKS OF FIRE and Rikishi tries the piledriver on Bob, but Viscera breaks it up and then hits his own partner with a splash by mistake. Rikishi finishes Bob with the butt splash at 6:00 and then we dance. Another totally fine match in a series tonight. **1/2

WWF tag titles: The New Age Outlaws v. Patterson & Brisco

The Stooges get to use Real American in what passes for subtlety in Vince’s world. See, because Hulk Hogan is OLD, like them. This is no DQ, so Brisco throws powder at Billy and Patterson pulls a chain out of his pants and nails Dogg with it. Pat puts Dogg into a boston crab and Brisco puts Gunn in a figure-four, but the champs somehow escape this predicament and go to work on the Stooges. Road Dogg hits Pat with brass knuckles, and Gunn finishes Brisco with a fameasser at 2:00. Silly and fun. *

WWF title: Big Show v. The Rock

Oh, HHH forgot to mention that it’s a lumberjack match, so all the heels come out to surround the ring while HHH and Steph watch from the ramp in an easy chair. Show slugs away in the corner to start and puts him down with a big boot as Cole speculates that…maybe…you think…HHH is acting out of PERSONAL grudges and not complete fairness and objectivity? Perish the thought. Rock gets thrown out and beat up by the heels, and then Show also takes a beating and Rock takes over. Rock with a DDT and he gets rid of the Outlaws and hits the Rock Bottom, at which point the 18th Airborne runs in and breaks up the pin. Show with the chokeslam, but the army of geeks runs in and breaks THAT up as well. So Rock clotheslines him down and they both hit the floor, and it’s another mass beatdown until Mankind runs down and makes the save with a pile of weapons, allowing the babyfaces to chase off the heels as the match just kind of ends at 6:00. Rock gives Viscera a Rock Bottom and People’s Elbow to send the crowd home happy and we’re out.

A very fun show, with clean finishes throughout (aside from the main event, but we knew that anyway) and everything making sense. I liked this one better than RAW this week.