The SmarK RAW Rant–12.06.99

The SmarK RAW Rant – 12.06.99

Live from Worcester, MA, drawing a sellout 10,000. We’re done with taped RAWs at this point, no?

Your hosts are JR & King

WWF tag titles: The New Age Outlaws v. Too Cool

To show how they’re “toning down” the product on RAW under advertiser scrutiny, Road Dogg says “Doggie chow” instead of “doggie style” and “poo poo” instead of “shiznit”. Of course, once realized that going full PG would make him even more money, there was no ironic detachment about the changes. I’m more bothered by the Outlaws supposedly being heels but Road Dogg still doing his babyface singalong act anyway. Scotty goes after Gunn in the corner, but he gets caught in the Outlaw side and double-teamed. Sexay sneaks in with a Stroke on Dogg for two, but Jammes fights back with the shaky knees for two. Too Cool double-teams Dogg with a Veg-O-Matic in the corner, but the Hollies run in for the DQ at 3:10. And then they get their music played. I have no idea what this was supposed to accomplish. Match was OK before the cheap finish. *1/2

Meanwhile, Stephanie arrives in her limo. She’s just like us!

Mankind joins us, and he’s now a #1 New York Times bestselling author. But tonight he’s here to talk about Al Snow and what a jerk he was on Smackdown. So Snow comes out and he’s a full fledged heel now, pointing out that people will only remember Mick for flying off the cage in Pittsburgh. Kind of funny that here, 20 years later, Mick is doing speaking tours still talking about that. So Al was kind of right! Mick points out that he’s got lots of friends in the business, like Al, but he prefers being part of the Rock N Sock Connection. And the entire time he was making This Is Your Life Rock, he didn’t sustain one concussion! Plus, the team of Al Snow and Mankind kind of sucked. So Snow offers to find a partner and face the Rock n Sock Connection TONIGHT IN THIS VERY RING. Al points out that Rock treated him like crap all this time, and that he was the one who threw Mick’s book in the trash because of all the Al Snow jokes in it. This was GREAT stuff from Snow, although of course they went in a drastically different direction with Mankind right after the PPV and it never paid off.

The Hardy Boyz v. Kurt Angle & Steve Blackman

Terri managing the Hardyz looks so quaint and unneeded. Glad they dropped that angle quickly. Speaking of angles we’ll probably never hear about it, Blackman’s Titantron is interrupted by a mysterious orange and black tattoo symbol. Hmm, who could that be? Angle takes Jeff down with a headlock to start, but Matt comes in and slugs away on Blackman. Matt literally trips on the apron and then manages to mess up a leapfrog and then mercifully brings Jeff in to run wild. Swanton on Blackman gets two, but Blackman hits Jeff with his stick and Angle gets the pin at 1:50. Bad night for Matt. ½*

Meanwhile, Stephanie decides to do things her way, and goes to HHH with an annulment. X-Pac: “Hey, the Outlaws are showering right now, why don’t you jump in there with them and I’ll be right there.” HHH: “Hey…that’s my wife you’re talking about!” This all draws a babyface pop from the crowd. Thank god they did what they did at the PPV because this was going to backfire otherwise.

Val Venis v. D-Lo Brown

This is for the prestigious #1 contendership to the European title, which is “high stakes” according to JR. Val quickly gets the Seaman’s suplex for two and slugs away in the corner, but Val comes back with a leg lariat and legdrop for two. They fight to the top rope and Val brings him down with a superplex, and here’s the Mean Street Posse and the Bulldog for the DQ at 2:00. So they’re BOTH #1 contender! Because wrestling! *

Meanwhile, D-X huddles in the dressing room.

The Godfather v. Prince Albert

Here in the “toned down” new era of RAW, the cameraman makes sure to shoot up the skirts of the hos as they get into the ring. Albert slugs Godfather down, but misses a splash as JR does the “You have to see Albert live to appreciate how big he is!” routine. I have seen him live. Several times. He’s not that big. Albert pounds away with headbutts and hits a corner splash and pump kick for two. Godfather fights back and Albert chokes him down in the corner, but he misses a charge and Godfather comes back with a suplex and finishes with the Ho Train at 3:47. Crowd was completely dead after the Godfather’s intro. DUD

HHH joins us, and he’s got flowers. He’s tired of the crowd calling his beautiful bride a slut! He’d never marry a slut! At least, not intentionally. Unless someone slipped a mickey in her drink and took her to Vegas for a shotgun wedding while she was unconscious, and how likely is THAT? But now he’s got annulment papers in his hands, and it’s the crowd’s fault. They were just two kids in love! OK, HHH is pretty funny here. So Stephanie comes out to sign the papers, but HHH has a change of heart because he’s getting all warm and fuzzy looking at Steph. Especially looking at her from behind. And how can he kick Vince’s ass without Steph there to watch? So if Vince can beat him at the PPV, he’ll sign the annulment papers…but if Hunter wins, he gets another shot at the WWF title. So Vince comes out to make the agreement, and Hunter decides to seal the deal with a kiss from Stephanie. Presumably that’s where she fell in love for real? Anyway, this was where it was apparently that Hunter was the biggest and hottest heel in the business, and they needed to put that World title on him NOW. And thankfully, that’s exactly what happened.

Meanwhile, Mankind offers some support to Vince.

Hardcore Holly v. Rikishi

Rikshi blitzes Holly and pins him with the buttdrop in 0:35. So did they expunge the classic music or have we just not got there yet? Because their dancing music is some kind of generic stuff.

Nurse BB joins us to talk about the evening gown match at the PPV, but Ivory interrupts and points out that “Your boobs are really quite enormous.” This brings out Jacqueline (with interruption from the mysterious orange and black symbol again) and then Miss Kitty, who protests that she can’t wrestle in the match because she might be stripped down to her bra and panties and “she doesn’t wear underwear”. Trailblazers! Women’s Evolution!

Kane & Test v. HHH & X-Pac

So last week, Test was left at the altar and betrayed by D-X, so you’d think he’d show some emotion or fire here. Kane beats on HHH to start and Test comes in with a powerslam for two, but HHH sends him to the floor with a high knee and X-Pac gets a cheapshot to take over. D-X with a double suplex and HHH drops a knee for two. Test makes a clumsy comeback and X-Pac puts him down with a spinkick for two. Test comes back with a gutwrench and makes the hot tag to Kane, who runs wild with a backbreaker on X-Pac. Test with a sideslam on HHH and Kane follows with a flying clothesline. Tori tries to intervene and X-Pac puts her in the corner for the broncobuster, but Kane saves and tosses him out of the ring, leaving HHH to go low on Test and finish with KICK WHAM PEDIGREE at 5:20. And that’s the last we heard from Test in the Stephanie storyline, as he was beaten by HHH and written out, only a WEEK after getting left at the altar.

Meanwhile, Al Snow has found his partner.

WWF title: Big Show v. Viscera

Show was so clearly dead man walking as champion. Vis immediately hits a samoan drop for two. Crowd doesn’t care. Show gets a backdrop suplex. Crowd doesn’t care. Show chokes him out in the corner, but Vis bulldogs him for two. Crowd doesn’t care. Show bumps to the floor and a few people boo Viscera. Show comes back with a slam on Viscera. Crowd doesn’t care. Show goes up with a one foot missile dropkick for the pin to retain at 2:30. Crowd doesn’t care. Time to get the belt off him. *

Meanwhile, Big Bossman meets with Big Show’s mother, and he’s got secret photos relating to Big Show’s past, which reveal that Big Show’s dead daddy wasn’t even his real father. So Big Show is a nasty bastard, and his momma said so!

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God bless Big Bossman.

The Rock N Sock Connection v. Al Snow & Chris Jericho

Jericho cuts a promo and he’s unimpressed by Foley’s book because he’s sold a million WWF Volume 4 CDs just by having his theme be on it! Sadly Chyna attacks him before he can finish the joke and the brawl is on. They’re actually wrestling for the IC title at the PPV but they barely mentioned it all show. Jericho chops away on Rock in the corner, but Rock comes back and lays the smackdown until Jericho runs away. Rock and Sock double-team Snow in the corner and Rock hits Jericho with a samoan drop for two. Mankind hammers Jericho in the corner and dropkicks a chair into Snow’s face, but Jericho hits Mick with the springboard dropkick and slingshots with a splash on him for two. Rock gets the hot tag and destroys the midcarders with spinebusters, and Mick hits the DDT on Snow while Rock hits Rock Bottom on Jericho outside and…say it with me…the Outlaws run in for the DQ at 5:00. They’re still working out the kinks on these finishes, even with Russo gone. Match was OK. *1/2

And unfortunately Armageddon comes off as SUCH a nothing PPV outside of the main event. They tried to do a rushed hard sell for the show here, but I still couldn’t tell you more than 2 matches. However, the stuff with HHH was MONEY this week and it’s clear something finally clicked with him. Thank god.