The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro–06.23.97

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 06.23.97

Last week: Dennis Rodman showed up and the show ended with giant amounts of garbage littering the ring.

Live from Macon, GA, drawing another company record for the city with 7000 people.

Your hosts are Tony, Larry & Mike.

Diamond Dallas Page joins us to start, and he’s got a surprise at Bash at the Beach so surprising that Hall and Savage will be really surprised. And surprisingly, there’s also a surprise main event tonight of DDP v. Scott Hall. SURPRISE! I bet the finish won’t be a surprise.

La Parka & Damian v. The Public Enemy

TPE’s music is now edited out. I thought we were allowed to hear that one because it was an original composition? Are they just cutting it because it kinda sorta sounds like “Here Comes the Hotstepper” if you’re half-deaf? Rocco now has a respectable haircut in a weird look for him. Maybe he had a job interview? The luchadors double-team Grunge with elbowdrops and then catch Rock with a cheapshot and Parka clothesline for two as the announcers remind us that Public Enemy were indeed former tag team champions. Ugh, don’t remind me. Hot tag to Grunge and he runs wild in sloppy fashion and they put Damian through a table, but Parka nails Grunge with a chair and pins him at 2:55! Holy shit, I was just going to say that Parka was heating up and they were squashing him, but HE WON THE DAMN MATCH! Clearly they’ll fuck him up sooner or later, but good for them. PE looked amazingly bad here. ½*

Eddie Guerrero is here to answer accusations that he left Chavo to die against Dean Malenko, because Chavo’s his nephew and he loves him! Plus Eddie wasn’t cleared medically to wrestle and Chavo offered to wrestle. Chavo points out that he didn’t EXACTLY offer to wrestle in his place, so Eddie offers him a title shot at Syxx in his place. He’s already cleared it up with JJ Dillon and everything. Mean Gene: “How can you have cleared it up with JJ already if you didn’t know what Chavo was going to say?” Eddie tells him not to worry about it. I feel like this isn’t going to go well for Chavo. Eddie just flipped a switch and started showing crazy amounts of personality one day.

Chris Jericho v. Alex Wright

Great, not that everyone is talking about Wright’s giant schlong, it’s like trying to think about pink elephants. And their giant trunks. OH GOD GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Wright works a headlock to start, but Jericho dropkicks him to the floor and he walks away for some personal contemplation. Back in, Wright tries a wristlock, but Jericho puts him on the floor again and runs him into the railing. Back in, Jericho goes up and lands on a Wright dropkick while Larry takes credit for calling it in advance. Alex takes over with a headscissors and a snap suplex, and he goes up with a flying stomp and swivels for us. It’s like he’s wearing nothing at all!

clip_image001

Jericho comes back with the Lionsault and finishes with the Liontamer at 4:40. This was fine. **

The Steiner Brothers v. Harlem Heat

Winner of this gets the tag title shot, for real this time. Booker pounds on Scott with forearms in the corner and the Heat double-team him, but Booker misses a charge and Scott gets a press slam. So they talk about the LA Forum show next week, aka “Saturday Nitro”, and the story is that Eric Bischoff has “managed to keep all the TV and PPV cameras away from the show for fear of something embarrassing happening to the nWo” and thus the only way to follow things is via audio broadcast on the WCW website. WTF? Rick comes in and the Heat work him over, but Rick suplexes Booker and gets a powerslam for two. Scott with a belly to belly for two. Booker hits Rick with a near-miss sidekick and Stevie comes in with a powerslam for two as Rick is dogface-in-peril and the match is pretty flat. Booker with another sidekick, but Rick catches him on another try and slams him. Hot tag Scott and he gets the butterfly bomb for two, and it’s BREAKING LOOSE IN TULSA. Heat breaks up the bulldog, but Sherri gets involved and bumps into Stevie, and Rick bulldogs Booker for the pin at 8:20 in a finish that the camera missed. Meh. **

Buff Bagwell and Scott Norton immediately head out and introduce their new team name of Vicious and Delicious, thus giving them something to do. The Steiners shrug them off and want their title shot NEXT WEEK. But then Scott clarifies that it’s going to be a confrontation instead.

Meanwhile, it’s a special look at THE CAT, complete with words from karate celebrities like JOE CORLEY. He’s the President of some kind of karate association!

This weekend: It’s the very catchily-titled The Show Eric Bischoff Doesn’t Want You To See. So I guess Saturday Nitro was just a working title.

Hector Garza v. Villano IV

IV tries a powerbomb and Garza comes back with some flips, but IV puts him on the floor and follows with a dive. Back in, IV with a corner clothesline and a kneelift, but Garza comes back with clotheslines and a rollup for two. IV powerbombs him for two and gets a powerslam for two, but misses a moonsault and Garza puts him on the floor and follows with a dive that misses. Back in, moonsault finishes at 4:40. Crowd was completely dead for this and the match was pretty dull. *

Lex Luger & The Giant are here to call Hogan a QUITTER because he quit in the Torture Rack. That is a factually accurate statement. Giant is going to stick a big giant hook into the Worm. Um, OK. Gene: “We’re here at the 11th hour of Bash at the Beach…inside three weeks!”

HOUR #2! The hour that nearly outbid Fusient for WCW in late 2000!

WCW Cruiserweight title: Syxx v. Chavo Guerrero Jr.

Chavo puts him on the floor with a flying headscissors and back in with a flying forearm, but he misses a bodypress out of the corner. Syxx puts him down with a spinkick and slugs away in the corner while Hall talks trash at him, and that sets up the broncobuster. Oh man, you’ve gotta smell Hall’s booze breath and then get Syxx’s sweaty balls in your face. That’s inhumane. Maybe Alex Wright should use the broncobuster? Actually, no, he’d probably kill someone with that thing.

clip_image001[1]

OH GOD GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.

Syxx with a Michinoku Driver and he misses a blind charge, allowing Chavo to make the comeback. Rollup gets two. At this point, Eddie comes out to watch Chavo’s back as he backflips into a clothesline for two. He dumps Syxx and follows with a dive to flatten him, but Hall comes in and hits Chavo with the Razor’s Edge, which the ref somehow completely misses, and Syxx finishes with the Buzzkiller at 6:00. Eddie seems unimpressed with Chavo’s inability to win here. Perhaps he should endeavor to find some kind of lifestyle change that would allow Chavo to win. If only there was some easy shortcut to winning that Eddie could teach him! In t-shirt form. ***

Steve McMichael v. Konnan

Apparently the Horsemen have put Jeff Jarrett on HORSEMEN PROBATION. And yet poor Ole Anderson got boot-fucked out of the team in 1987 for watching his kid wrestle one time. Mongo overpowers Konnan and sends him to the floor to start, but Konnan pounds away in the corner and goes to a neck vice. This brings Hugh Morrus out with the remains of the broom that attacked Konnan last week, but Mongo finishes with a tombstone at 3:15 before he even makes it to the ring. ¼*

Roddy Piper joins us for an interview, and he’s been “running on unleaded for too long”. So he’s here to clear up rumors about his relationship with Ric Flair, and that brings Ric out to confirm that he’s still Roddy’s best friend. This is a very confusing storyline. So Mongo and Benoit come out to back up Flair for some reason. Maybe they’ll put Piper on HORSEMEN PROBATION to really punish him. Mongo gets in Piper’s face and Ric calls him off, but Piper attacks Benoit and they get into a brawl where Flair decides to join in for a beatdown after all. Why didn’t they just have Flair turn on him in the original tag match?

Glacier & Ernest Miller v. HIGH VOLTAGE

This is a dangerous situation, because you don’t want high voltage mixing with water. Sadly, we are robbed of High Voltage’s entrance music. High Voltage double-teams Glacier and Rage mocks Glacier’s karate skills. Speaking of which, Dave points out in the Observer this week that they call Miller a kickboxer, but in fact he does point karate, which is to kickboxers what pro wrestling is to amateur wrestlers. Or NASCAR is to real sports, I’d like to add. Miller finishes with a spinkick at 2:15. ½* What a debut in the sport for Ernest.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Scott Hall

We’ve got about 5:00 left in the show so I’m not expecting much out of this one. Hall works the arm to start and beats on the taped ribs. Page makes the comeback and Hall beats him down again and chokes him out on the ropes. Page gets a messed up armbar takedown and comes back with a lariat, and of course the nWo runs in for the DQ at 6:00. Just a match. * Sting shows up and points the bat at the heels to distract them, which would lead you to think he’s the mystery partner, but nope. And then Savage drops an elbow on Page anyway before Sting finally heads down to the ring minutes later and chases them off.

Nothing at all to this week’s show.  Nothing at all.  Nothing at all.

clip_image001[1]

OH MY GOD GET IT OUT OF MY HEAD.