The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro–05.04.97

The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro – 05.04.97

Just for a change from all the RAW, let’s get back to Nitro for a bit. According to my archives, this is where I left off last time I was reviewing it. Plus this is another one-hour show due to sportsball of some kind, so it’s a quick and easy review.

Roddy Piper and his friends try to cut a promo, but the nWo keeps dropping banners in front of him like it’s a Bugs Bunny cartoon, thus ruining the cold open. Is there no depths these nWo scoundrels won’t stoop to?

Live from Lakeland, FL

Your hosts are Tony, Bobby and Larry.

So yeah, Piper is out for his anti-nWo promo and he’s rambling about purses, but JJ Dillon comes out to confirm that Piper has to show up for the PPV match or he’ll be in breach of contract. Flair rambles about something else and the producers basically cut off the interview with Public Enemy’s music because they were running long already and had a strict one-hour TV time limit. I literally could not have told you what the interview was about or what match they were building towards based on this.

The Public Enemy v. Konnan & Hugh Morrus

Everyone brings tables with them and it’s a big brawl to start as Larry is going on about “psychological games of chess”. Jimmy Hart gets put on a table, but Konnan makes the save. They head back to the floor again and try to sandwich Konnan between two tables in a ridiculously stupid spot, but Konnan moves and Grunge goes through the two tables himself. Back in the ring, Morrus and Konnan double-team Rocco, but he comes back with a springboard moonsault on them for two. The heels stop to pose and celebrate a minor victory with a powerbomb, but then run into each other like complete clowns and Rocco puts Konnan on a table. Morrus saves and suplexes Rock onto his own partner and through the table, and someone gets pinned at 3:55. It’s apparently the Dungeon of Dumb that gets the win, but even the announcers have no clue which geek pinned which other geek. Thrilling action here. DUD

Rey Mysterio Jr. v. Syxx

Syxx immediately tries the broncobuster and lands on Rey’s foot, and that brings the Outsiders into the ring immediately for the beatdown, as the ref somehow misses Hall delivering a Razor’s Edge behind his back and the Buzzkiller finishes at 0:48. JJ Dillon comes out threatening to “reverse the decision” while the entire nWo poses in the ring and tells him to fuck off. THEY’RE TALKING ABOUT NEW YORK! OMG THEY’RE SHOOTING!

Lee Marshall is on the road in Baltimore for next week’s Nitro. I wonder if WCW actually spent the money to fly him out to Baltimore and then call from there? Wouldn’t shock me, actually.

Hollywood Hogan joins us next as if we haven’t had enough of the nWo crammed into this show already. He’s been making money and buying land (both of which went to Linda in the divorce) but he’ll still take Sting if he’s got the guts to show up RIGHT NOW. And of course he doesn’t show.

Lord Steven Regal v. Meng

Oh my. They go nuts on each other with stiff shots in the corner, but Kevin Sullivan comes down for the DQ at 0:28. To say this episode is a tad rushed would be a gross understatement.

DDP and Kimberly are out in an apparently cold arena and they’ve got words for Savage (with Kimberly sounding really nervous or just drunk) but Macho appears for a rebuttal and they yell at each other until the commercial. Same stuff they’ve done a million times.

Jeff Jarrett v. Alex Wright

Jarrett struts to stall right away, which probably earned him a reprimand from the coked up producers rushing through this show. He takes Wright down and gets the running choke, but Wright comes back and pounds away in the corner until Debra interferes to distract him, and JJ finishes with the figure-four at 1:24. Unfortunately the show is so rushed that they only had time for a figure-three. ½*

Lizmark Jr. v. Glacier

Larry is all “Har har, ever heard of Lizmark Sr?” You know, one of the most famous Mexican wrestlers ever? I mean, come on, even I’ve heard of him. Anyway, Glacier wins with the superkick at 0:18, and Mortis rushes in for the sneak attack, but Glacier fights him off until the person eventually known as Wrath comes in and turns the tide for the 2-on-1 beatdown. This was Lizmark’s WCW debut, by the way, and pretty much set the tone for the rest of his run there.

Harlem Heat v. Lex Luger & The Giant

They’ve spent the entire episode pointing out how Lex was hurt in Japan, so I doubt he’s going to be here for this one. So DDP comes out to be the secret partner instead, but Macho Man and Hogan sneak attack him in the aisle and beat him down while the rest of the nWo go to work on the Giant in the ring. Piper and Flair try to make the save and they get killed as well and we’re done.

Well this was a rough one to return to reviewing the show. A complete throwaway episode.