The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat–11.22.98

The SmarK Rant for WWF Sunday Night Heat – 11.22.98

Taped from wherever RAW is taped from the next night.

Your hosts are Michael Cole & Jim Ross

The Corporation joins us to start, now including Ken Shamrock as of Monday’s show. Vince feels like it’s poppycock that people think Austin would have won the title on Monday if not for Undertaker’s interference. So at Rock Bottom, the Rock puts the title on the line against Mankind to show what a fighting champion he is. Meanwhile, there’s NO CHANCE IN HELL that Austin ever gets a title shot again. But instead, he can enter the Royal Rumble if he qualifies by beating the Undertaker in a Buried Alive match next month. Finally, he’s going to appoint a new commissioner to replace Sgt. Slaughter tomorrow night on RAW.

Too Much v. The Hardy Boyz

Apparently Austin suffered a blackout in San Jose and was taken to a local medical facility. The announcers blame the shovel to the head from Monday, but has anyone considered that all the beer he drinks might be a factor? The Hardyz quickly attack Scotty and Jeff gets a swanton like it’s nothing. He’d eventually win the WWE title with that move! Too Much quickly double-teams Jeff with a powerbomb, at which point Jackyl comes out and introduces THE ACOLYTES, who destroy both teams on his behalf at 1:10. “Violence for the sake of violence gets me off” he notes. He literally would not be allowed to say that line today. Any part of it, really. Brian Christopher carries his partner out lovingly after the beating, furthering THAT ridiculous angle that thankfully went nowhere. 0 for 1.

Meanwhile, WWF Senior Official Jack Lanza is in San Jose and is checking on Austin’s condition.

Meanwhile, Michael Cole shills some piece of shit toy called “Totally Twister” with Grandmaster Robbie. Hilarity ensues.

Meanwhile, the Stooges have heard about Austin’s condition and delightedly rush to tell Vince, who kicks them out of the room in disgust.

Gangrel v. Al Snow

Snow attacks in the corner to start and gets a german suplex, but Gangrel gets his own suplex and slugs away. Snow with a wheelbarrow suplex, but Gangrel gets the Implant DDT for two, at which point all the various geeks at ringside get involved, allowing Snow to hit the Snow Plow. And then everyone runs in for the DQ at 1:50. This was literally both guys throwing suplexes with zero selling until the DQ finish. 0 for 2. So I guess we have THAT match to look forward to at Rock Bottom.

Meanwhile on RAW, Hawk tries to commit suicide or whatever. Droz does a promo where he brushes off the attempt and does a Hawk impression. I can’t even with this.

Big Bossman v. Marc Mero

Bossman comes in with a corner splash and the sliding punch, but Mero comes back with a DDT. Suddenly, Jackie trips up Mero and Bossman finishes with the Bossman Slam at 1:00. Mero fires Jackie out of nowhere and leaves, and I believe he was done with the company right away. He certainly didn’t make it into 1999.

Meanwhile, Mankind has a LEAF BLOWER and he’s headed to the ring, looking for Vince. They could have been a threesome! Chainsaw Charlie, Weedwacker Willy and Leaf Cassidy! He’s hardcore! He’s hardcore!

Mankind is here to tell us about the pain of having a family break up, and laments how the leaf blower was supposed to be Vince’s present for Father’s Day and he RUINED IT. So now Vince’s lawn is gonna have poor oxygenation and he’ll be the laughing stock of Greenwich. DIABOLICAL. Mick’s breaking point, however, was the penny loafers that Vince forced him to wear. Luckily, he has regained Mr. Socko, so it’s ready to get shoved down Vince’s throat. Vince finally comes out and notes that you “can’t shine shit” and Mick needs to understand that love hurts, which he will learn when Mick defends the Hardcore title against Big Bossman and Ken Shamrock on Monday. Mick and Vince is always gold. 1 for 3.

Jeff Jarrett v. Kurrgan

Kurrgan gets a sideslam and a bearhug into another slam, and having exhausted his moveset we go to the finish as Jarrett attacks from behind while the ICP distracts the Oddities. Kurrgan clotheslines him over the top, but Debra comes in for the distraction and Jarrett El Kabongs him for the pin at 1:44, which is a virtual marathon running time for this show. 1 for 4. Sable is also there to yell at Debra just in case there wasn’t enough stupid bullshit stuffed into this segment.

Meanwhile, WWF Senior Official Jack Lanza has an update on Steve Austin: He’s resting well. Well thank god we got that update. I really appreciated the graphic showing California and such to really put the situation in perspective.

Intercontinental title: Ken Shamrock v. Val Venis

Shamrock attacks and gets a leg lariat, but Val gets a spinebuster and slugs away in the corner, then follows with a clothesline and belly to belly for two. They slug it out and Val gets a powerslam for two, then follows with a Russian legsweep and gyrates rather than going for the pin. Shamrock takes him down with a legwhip as a result and rolls into the anklelock, but Mankind runs in with the LEAF BLOWER OF DEATH for the DQ at 2:50. “That thing’s on!” yells JR while Mankind, uh, blows air on Shamrock and we’re done. Match was nothing but I have to give it a point for the absurdity of that finish. 2 for 5.

Not looking forward to the next couple of months, nope.