We’re in Norfolk, VA and less than a week after his release, Braden Walker is already a meme.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Colin Delaney (Extreme Rules)
Dreamer walks to the ring with a trolley full of plunder so Colin runs away like Wanderlei Silva spotting an USADA agent. Delaney attempts a trash can axe handle but takes a Singapore Cane to his ribs (all four of them.) Dreamer shoves a stick inside Colin and gives him a Reverse Suplex before dropkicking a bin into his head. He soaks up the cheers (another spot he stole from RVD) which allows Colin to avoid the flying trashcan elbow. Colin misses a Stop-Sign assisted Arabian Facebuster and Dreamer gets his revenge with a DDT on the stop sign (JUST LIKE RAVEN IN 1997).
Winner: Tommy Dreamer (Perfectly acceptable one-sided arse-kicking. God knows what’s left for Delaney after this though after Henry & Atlas already shunned him.)
Dramatic recap of last week’s Dirt Sheet to set up tonight’s Miz & Morrison vs. Henry & Matt main event. Morrison & Miz takes issue with Matt accusing him of ripping off Conan O’Brien, referring to themselves as The Pineapple Express of WWE. Enjoyable until you hit 18?
SMACKDOWN REBOUND: Undertaker is killing off Edge’s La Familia, leaving Bam Neely laying in the parking lot. Edge
thanks him snaps and takes out Chavo and dunks Vickie from her wheelchair as punishment for booking the HIAC match. Wait if Vickie and Edge were still close why did she book that match? I think I’ve skipped ahead a few pages.
Evan Bourne vs. Bam Neely
Bam Neely walks to the ring looking shaky, the part he was born to play. Undertaker should kill him every week. Bam charges but Evan out-talents him for a while until Neely resumes his chubby clobbering. Neely clotheslines Evan so hard he moonsaults which is a complete waste of that spot. Bourne overcomes some stuff I can’t be bothered recapping and finishes with the Shooting GIF Press.
Winner: Evan Bourne (”He’s only 5’7” but he can dunk a basketball!”)
Armando brags to Teddy about his new contract he got by beating Dreamer last week. Long gets the champagne and says to celebrate, he’ll be wrestling Finlay.
Finlay vs. Armando Estrada
Finlay does his best to smack the tan off of Armando for a few minutes as the crowd YAYYYs. Mike Knox watches from the entrance way as Finlay isn’t bothered enough to stop pounding.
Grisham: Has Armando had any offence in this match?
Striker: He came to the ring.
Finlay looks at Knox for too long which finally allows Armando to hurl him tight-first into the ring ropes and get some token offence before Fit shrugs it off and delivers the Emerald Fusion (as called by Striker) while glaring at Knox.
Winner: Finlay (Match was there to make Finlay look tougher than dry porridge stuck in the bowl and for me take screenshot this sign:)
Ricky Ortiz tries to sell Teddy Long on the idea of a Ricky
cum rag hand towel as merchandise. Teddy tells him to calm down with his ideas. Were these segments supposed to be parodies of how wrestlers are actually treated by backstage staff? ”Look Zack Ryder, no-one watches YouTube, OK?”
RAW REBOUND PRESENTED BY SOUL CALIBUR IV WHICH WASN’T AS GOOD AS II: Security try to break up Cena and Batista brawling. And er that’s it.
Mark Henry & Matt Hardy vs. John Morrison & The Miz
Striker: I like Miz’s hat, does it come in men’s?
Grisham: Is that supposed to be a joke? Am I supposed to laugh?
Henry beils Morrison across the ring to begin. Henry drags Miz in and does the same, Matt assists and they stare dramatically at each other while we go to break. When we return,Henry is no-selling Morrison until he gets bored and tags out to sparkly pants Matt. Miz tags in and gets a two-count from a running bulldog. ”Miz calls himself the chick magnet, I didn’t realise women were made of metal.” Morrison tags in and starts dismantling Matt with the moves that show off his abs the most. Matt doesn’t take kindly to the body-shaming and counters a move off the top rope with a second-rope Side Effect and…gets the three-count OH SHIT IT’S THIS MATCH.
This was during the period where refs were ordered to enforce the rules and would get paid more if they ended up DQing or counting a wrestler out (as last seen in the Cor Von/Benoit tag match) and Morrison definitely didn’t have his shoulder up in time.
Henry walks in and starts beating up Miz as the referee gives Henry instructions on camera while being yelled at through his head-set.
Henry celebrates with Matt before giving him the World’s Strongest Slam. I’m pretty sure Henry could have figured that out without the ref’s help but thanks anyway.
Wes continues as he explains that after the match, he tried to talk about the incident with the wrestlers involved, to which they gave a positive reaction. John Laurinaitis on the other hand, had told Adams that the officiating ruined the match. Adams tells us, he went looking for Vince McMahon to explain the situation, but soon after was let go without the opportunity to speak to McMahon (what a cold slap). Adams continues by stating that the role of the referee is to help guide wrestlers, but mainly keep the pace of the match.
Overall: Fun overall with the right people getting pushed and everything smoother than peanut butter, plus a memorable (for the wrong reasons) main event.
No review next week as I’ll be in Chicago for Starrcast WHICH YOU CAN WATCH ON THE FITE APP GO BUY IT FUCKERS.