The Coliseum Video Rant 2018: Wrestling Tough Guys!
Hosted by Sean Mooney & Lord Alfred Hayes
This is another one of the quickie 60 minute Coliseum tapes that was out around 1990, with the theme this time pretty clear-cut, I’m assuming.
However, since this is a very specialized tape, I’ll pioneer a new and possibly dangerous rating system for the first time here: The Haku System. We’ll rate matches by how TOUGH and MANLY the matches are, from 0.0 to 1.0 Haku.
Hacksaw Jim Duggan v. Boris Zhukov
Well, Duggan IS known for calling people “tough guy”, so he might fit. He’s reasonably tough, I guess. This is a dark match from WWF [Blurred] of Wrestling and Zhukov stalls a bunch to start, but they finally make contact after 2:00 and Duggan slugs him out of the ring. This makes me wonder: Do they have pro wrestling in the dystopian future of Gilead, and if so, do fans still chant “USA” or “Gilead”? I’m assuming anyone who chants “USA” probably gets taken out and hung from a wall in front of the arena, actually. Back in, Duggan tries a headbutt and that goes badly (“He tried to go cranium to cranium with a Ukranian!” declares Hayes). They fight out of the ring and Boris sends him into the stairs, and back in for the dreaded bearhug. Duggan fights out and makes the comeback with clotheslines and the three-point stance, but he stops to go after Volkoff and that allows Zhukov to get the 2×4. Duggan grabs it first, hits him with it, and gets the pin at 5:44. Getting pinned after only ONE 2×4 shot to the back? What a wimp. This gets a measly…
Haku v. Rugged Ronnie Garvin
Well this is quite the test of the system! Garvin slugs away in the corner but stupidly tries a headbutt, and Haku takes over with his own. They slug it out and Garvin loses that battle, but he stomps the toes in a brilliant counter and slugs him in the corner until Haku takes him down with an atomic drop. Garvin fights back again and faceplants him for two, but Haku wants a chop battle now. So that’s a thing that happens and they’re just unloading on each other until Garvin bites him in the nose. Haku chokes him down and tosses him as Garvin takes an awkward bump into the railing, and Haku works on the back out there and they go to a double countout at 6:05 in a gross disappointment. They continue laying leather on the floor and Garvin challenges him to continue, but Haku sadly leaves before he can finish the job. Obviously we don’t need to question the credentials of either man, so I grant this match…
Yes, it’s the full Haku Monty, only one review in! I’ve already broken the system!
The Powers of Pain v. The Bushwackers
I feel like this match is recycled from another Coliseum video. Perish the thought, I know. The Ball-Bearing attacks Butch in the corner to start and gives us some poses, as do the Wackers. Butch works a headlock and they manage to trick Barbarian into a schoolboy for two. Well, it’s “Wrestling Tough Guys”, not “Wrestling Brain Surgeons”. Luke comes in and Warlord bearhugs him until Luke bites the nose to escape. It’s only cool when Garvin does it. Anyway, they send Butch to the floor and run him into the post with a gentle collision, and the heels take over in the ring. Barbarian cleans house with the big boots and Warlord stomps away. Barbarian goes up as I feel like if I was to take another try at a podcast, I’d call it “Second Turnbuckle on the Inside”. Either that or “External Occipital Protuberance.” Luke gets the hot tag and they hit the battering ram, but Fuji throws in the cane and it’s a DQ at 10:30. Fuck this match hard. Barbarian is pretty tough, but the rest cancels him out, so this earns my lowest rating ever, an unprecedented…
May God have mercy on their souls.
Akeem v. Hercules
When Akeem was the mohawked One Man Gang he was pretty tough (I mean, he was literally his own gang!) but as a dancing white guy? This is gonna hurt his chances. Now, Hercules used to be an Assassin and a Super Invader (not just a regular Invader, but a SUPER Invader!) so that works in his favor. Herc slugs away to start and Akeem bumps to the floor and gets some consolation from Slick before Herc rams them together. This prompts Slick to try and charge the ring, but thankfully Akeem holds him back and prevents him from humiliating Hercules. Back in, they show off their fisticuffsmanship and Hercules wins that battle, but tries a slam and gets blasted. Akeem works him over in the corner and chokes away on the ropes, but he misses a charge and does a goofy sell where he continues to dance on the way down. Herc hits him with clotheslines, but Slick interferes for the DQ at 6:16. Ugh. Call it…
Man, how much worse could this tape get?
Dino Bravo v. Tito Santana
Oh man, I had to ask. ARE YOU KIDDING ME, TAPE? This is from a Hamilton, ON, house show, and unsurprisingly we get a bunch of stalling to start. Bravo threatens to leave and I would have given the tape a thumbs up right there had he followed through with it. Finally we make contact 2:00 in and Tito gets a bodypress for two and sends him to the floor with a dropkick. Back in, Tito works a hammerlock and goes to an armbar. But then he tries a monkey flip and gets countered into an atomic drop for two. And then Dino goes to a LOOOOOOOOONG chinlock, but Tito reverses to a backslide for two, which of course Gorilla finds fault with. Speaking of faulty, Bravo goes to the bearhug and Gorilla bitches about the execution of THAT, too. Dino goes up and Tito slugs him down and makes the comeback, but tries the flying forearm and walks into the side suplex like a complete doofus at 11:49. I feel like the Haku rating system can’t properly sum this one up, so I’ll have to go beyond the pale and break out the negative stars…
Sorry, that might been a bit harsh to Dino Bravo.
Well, this tape certainly lives up to its name, in that it’s TOUGH to sit through. So that’s something.