San Jose, California and we have a CHAMPIONSHIP CONFRONTATION between Kane and Big Show, as well as CM Punk vs. John Morrison Part VII: First Contact.
Hornswoggle vs. Armando Estrada
Clips from last week’s win over Armando play and strangely the commentators are acting like it’s normal for Hornswoggle to have a singles match. Adamle: ”You never trust The Man With A Latin Tan!” Horny snaps Armando’s cigar in half and runs away because David Lynch is booking. Armando chases him ouside but Hornswoggle unleashes a bucket full of marbles and Armando slips and back bumps. Inside the ring, Hornswoggle tries an inflatable hammer to no effect (that the crowd reacts to with ”OHHHH!!” noises) until he decides on the Super Soaker to offer more symbolism.
Horny runs underneath the ring, Armando follows and ends up pulling out Finlay (easy mistake to make, Horny was the same size as him at Greatest Royal Rumble). Horny flies off the apron with a Lou Thesz Press and Finlay dumps him back inside for the Tadpole Splash.
Winner: Dink (If you love your comedy matches with mixed metaphors, this was the match for you.)
Tazz interviews Finlay and asks him what’s underneath the ring and he tells him there’s leprechauns, dwarves, hobbits and even people Tazz’s size. Alright, that made me laugh.
Matt Striker vs. Evan Bourne
Striker is a JTTS without an entrance now that Big Daddy V has left. Bourne still has his first theme which I prefer over the later BOURNE TO FLY HIIIGHHH one but everyone disagrees with m on that. Bourne uses his agility early to take down Striker with a headscissors but Striker responds by nailing an elevated spinning neckbreaker off the ropes, Orton style. Where the hell did that come from? Striker isn’t wearing banana hammocks anymore but with the joys of the HD Network you can still see his hog bouncing around the place like Hornswoggle hiding underneath the ring. Bourne attempts a standing moonsault but Striker kicks him mid-air. Evan ignores it to immediately recover and land a perfect Shooting Star Press to win.
Winner: Evan Bourne (Match was designed to get Bourne over so I’ll excuse the weird selling at the end there because he was bumping for ten men and the crowd was loving it. Plus it’s Striker, who is dead as a wrestler but definitely has a career ahead of him as a sun-dial.)
Post-match, Mike Knox blasts Bourne and plants him with the Hard Knox. We go to break and when we return he’s still there so Kofi figures ”fuck it, I’ll wrestle him.”
Mike Knox vs. Kofi Kingston
”Knox is so mean he doesn’t even like himself!” Knox clobbers away to begin, halting Kingston’s kicks by grabbing him by the face and launching him into the corner. Double Underhook Suplex sets up a lengthy surfboard on Kofi until the
power of positivity crowd chants helps him power out. Boom Boom Leg-drop connects and that’s enough for Shelton to run out to attack Kofi. Shelton goes for the spinning enziguri but Kofi spins him and he ends up taking out Knox as a result and Kofi does a runner in the confusion.
Winner via DQ: Kofi Kingston (Match was a set-up for more Benjamin vs. Kingston so I’m OK with that. Also Knox is pissed at Shelton as he didn’t need his help so there’s depth to this feud as this remains easily the best thing on the show.)
RAW RECAP: Million Dollar Mania clips and er nothing else.
Backstage, Finlay & Hornswoggle sign a contract to get a tag title shot against The Miz & John Morrison at Night Of Champions. Wait what? Where the fuck did that come from? Miz shows up to rightfully complain and Finlay bops him so that answers that. Tiffany explains the draft is next week so potentially Finlay & Hornswoggle could be split up. So we had a tag title match and the Draft announced in one segment because Raw is too busy with Million Dollar Mania. I wouldn’t mind but Tiffany had to talk in this segment and she’s best enjoyed in JPEG form.
CM Punk vs. John Morrison
Punk’s looking a little chubby this week, or maybe that’s the effect of standing next to John Morrison, you be the judge.
They go back and forth until Punk lands belly first on the apron after a Morrison low kick. Morrison punts the Pepsi out of Punk and stretches him on the mat knee-first. Punk’s gut continues to get worked over with more tummy tickles until Punk gets suplexed onto the top rope. Punk attempts a GTS but Morrison elbows out aaaand goes into another gut-stretcher and this match is absolutely nothing. Punk powers out with weak crowd support to give Morrison a giant swing for some reason. Punk gets the running knee, avoids a sunset flip and delivers a quick powerslam for two and now we’re talking. Punk attempts a butterfly suplex but Morrison kicks him in the face. Adamle starts talking with a lisp for some reason. Actually I guess the reason is CTE but anyway, Morrison back suplexes Punk and attempts a slingshot something but lands right onto Punk’s shoulders for the GTS.
Winner: CM Punk (Filler match with no heat or crowd support between two guys who usually over-deliver. Punk was way off this week, aside from one sequence near the end this was all Punk lying on his back letting Morrison do all the work like a lazy lover.)
Night Of Champions is in two weeks and we have one of the biggest ECW on Sci-Fi matches on PPV (between two Smackdown guys) so Teddy Long wants both of them in the ring. Adamle tells us Show broke his orbital bone and lost eye-sight when he fell on the ring steps at One Night Stand which is crazy considering how goofy the bump looked. Both men talk about how big they are until Mark Henry shows up advising them both to save their strength for him. Show ends the only logical way.
Overall: Not as good as last week but there’s still enough positives (Bourne, Kingston and depending on your tastes, Hornswoggle) to make the show a breeze, even with the worst Morrison vs. Punk match ever. But the draft is next week so we’re getting the really fun era of Ortiz, Gabriel and WALKER so I’m enjoying recapping these shows which I definitely wasn’t a few months ago because there’s at least stuff like this to GIF:
I’ve been Maffew and I’m going to be at Starrcast where I shall be discussing the finer points of the CM Punk vs. Chavo feud and drinking Jack & Coke.