ECW on Sci-Fi #99 04/22/2008

We’re in Greensboro, NC and tonight we get a special edition of The Cutting Edge.

Tommy Dreamer & Kelly Kelly vs. Mike Knox & Layla

Adamle sounds a bit more natural and knows now not to talk over the announcer so we’re making progress. Years later and Kelly & Knox are still feuding. Kelly starts with Layla but gets the advantage early on so Knox tags in. Knox clotheslines Dreamer hard early on but luckily for him Kelly plays Robert Gibson and takes apart Layla. Knox tries to interfere but Dreamer takes them both outside and Kelly gets a Rocker Dropper for the win.

Winners: Tommy Dreamer & Kelly Kelly (Kelly is very slowly progressing. She’s still bad and clearly lacks confidence but she’s not fucking anything up anything up so she’s at the level of Dana Brooke.)

Post-match Knox delivers the Hard Knox/Sister Abigail special to yet another Kelly partner and leaves grinning. No-one mentions their history because they either don’t know or don’t care.

RAW REBOUND: Oh maaaaaan Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama and John McCain give wrestling-filled political promos that’ll make you cringe so hard you’ll be left with a Klingon forehead.

”Do you smell what Barack is cooking?” is the best of a bad bunch given everybody had already made the same pun by that point but John’s ”What are you going to do when John McCain and his McCainiacs run wild on ya?” is unbelievable.

We cut back to Adamle reading his script on air.

Ah fuck, go back to McCain.

John Morrison vs. Jimmy Wang Yang
The Miz is joining us on commentary, happy to be next to the ”legendary” Adamle. Adamle sees what’s coming and gets a good line in, asking Miz if Morrison taught him how to get abs.

Miz:”Hey Adamle, is Yang Jamaican You Crazy?”
Adamle: ”No but Kofi Kingston will later on.”
Miz: ”…”

Wang takes it to Morrison early on and sends JoMo outside. Wang tries a dive but Morrison moves, Morrison goes inside to get the advantage but Wang sees THAT coming and dodges the elbow entering the ring. Morrison sees a crossbody from Wang coming so he yanks him down by pulling his leg and the match thankfully slows down as that was a hot minute of action. Morrison works over Wang’s leg as Adamle forgets Jimmy’s surname and Miz tells him ”great call Adamle.” How do you forget WANG YANG. Tazz and Miz mock Adamle’s The Miz and The Tazz calls from last week as Yang manages the JoMo awesome monkey flip sell that Ziggler stole.

Miz urges Morrison to beat ”Jimmy Wang Wang” and then tries to blame Adamle for flubbing. ”Hey, he’s allowed to mess up lines.” Morrison crotches Yang on the top rope but apparently his Korean heritage means his crotch is like a Samoan’s head as he no-sells it to move out of the way of Morrison’s Starship Pain to nail a moonsault off the top to win.

Winner: Jimmy Wang Yang (That was a lot of quick, high-flying action for three minutes. Shan & Wang had their best matches in WWE with Morrison & Miz and the crowd ate it all up so hopefully this leads to more. As for the commentary…One time on the Howard Stern show they roasted proud Klansman Daniel Carver but some reason the roasters sucked so most people who watched the show ended up actually respecting Carver who got a few good lines in. Miz reminded me of that, obviously under orders to skin Adamle alive and yet managing to make the exact same flub he mocked him for.

And then the good work by Adamle is undone as he announces (reads script) the Cutting Edge (reads script) with Special Guest (reads script) Kane. Fucking guy uses more ellipses than Golgo 13.

RAW REBOUND (1): King Of The Ring 2008! Raw GM Regal uses his power to wrestle Hornswoggle in the Quarter Finals whereas Punk had to defeat Matt Hardy then go tooth and nail to get a shock win over Jericho in the Semis. Regal kills an injured Finlay in the Semis and then beats Punk clean (!) and thus is proclaimed King Of The Ring, kicking off a hot run on top where nothing bad happened.

Kofi Kingston and his thick Jamaican accent (”yeahh moooonn!”) try to be nice to Shelton Benjamin but he’s having none of it as he can’t wait to give Kofi his first loss.

Kofi Kingston vs. Shelton Benjamin

The Tazz & Adamle both shout ”JAMAICAN ME CRAZY” with pride, good for them. ”KOFI” chants to begin as Kingston gets a high dropkick but Benjamin turns a crossbody into a shoulderbreaker. Benjamin works over the rotator cuff and halts a comeback with a Divorce Court. Benjamin snaps Kofi’s arm over the ropes but Kofi halts a Benjamin Top Rope Nothing with a sit-out dropkick which looked beautiful. Shelton ignores it and continues to stretch Kofi. Benjamin lands on his feet after a monkey flip attempt, Shelton attempts a spinning kick but Kofi intercepts and lands Trouble In Paradise for the surprise win.

Winner: Kofi Kingston (Benjamin can be too spot-focused so Kofi was a good opponent for him as he’s popular enough to be worked over to get heat and can gel with Shelton’s high-flying moves.)

Mark Henry vs. Nunzio

Both men are in the ring as we start so it’s obviously going long. ”It’s Earth Day so we may see Nunzio put INTO the Earth today!” Hall Of Fame Slam, pin.

Winner: Mark Henry (Quick squash but Henry leaned on Nunzio during the pin so there was no chance he could kick out even after hitting his finisher on a lower-card guy and I approve of such dickness.)

Recap of the European Tour with Jericho managing to hold a flag without getting suspended.

The Cutting Edge

Tony Chimel announces Edge but doesn’t break his voice during SuuuuUUUuuuperstar, so I already hate it. Lots of recap from Edge who reminds us Kane is ECW Champ and Undertaker is World Champ so his parents must be so proud. Kane: ”MY PARENTS ARE DEAD!” Was that a meme in 2008? Edge recaps Kane’s crappy life with the mask and the burning that wasn’t a burning and ”the relationship I’m not going to mention” and Lita. Edge reminds us Kane injured him last year so he had to vacate the title…but that injury caused him to meet Vickie Guerrero so he’s thankful. ”Hawkins & Ryder are like our kids.” Edge can’t wait for Backlash as his family will take BACK the titles. Kane don’t give a fuck and looks forward to killing his family and looking after Vickie. Camera work is good here as Kane is made to look as freaky as possible by zooming in on his face at all times.

Bam and Chavo chopblock Kane and a big beating starts. Edge hands Chavo a chair and he slowly gets ready for a one-man conchairto on Kane’s leg. Chavo has a think about it…then twats Kane several times with glee. Chavo takes out the other leg for good measure, crowd booing the whole time. Chavo saunters the back like Christopher Moltisanti after shooting the bakery worker. We get another shot of evil Kane and we’re out.

Overall: Ignoring the Kelly match, politicians and Adamle, everything delivered this week. The two athletic matches worked well, the crowd were loud, Kane looked like a monster and Chavo looked like a dick going into Backlash. Even Neely was useful.

Thanks for reading, I’ve been Maffew and you can catch Botchamania on YouTube sometimes.