Coliseum Video Rant 2018: WWF SuperTape

Coliseum Video Rant 2018: WWF SuperTape!

(Originally written 03.06.18)

This is the release that blessed us with the Summerslam 89 rematch as a part of the No Holds Barred PPV disaster. I’m actually skipping a couple of tapes in the archive here because this one has actual matches and isn’t just clips like “Most Embarrassing Moments” or “Brains Behind the Brawn.”

Hosted by Sean Mooney, originally released March 21 1990. They dub the SHIT out of whatever the original opening music was, going right over Mooney’s intro.

Fan Favorite Match: Mr. Perfect v. Ronnie Garvin

They have an actual postcard showing some stupid kid wasting a stamp to write in and request this. THIS IS WHY WE CAN’T HAVE NICE THINGS. Like, sure, they’ll dig in their heels for four years on Roman Reigns, but some idiot kid who’s probably getting high from whippets in a trailer park in Long Beach writes in wanting to see Rugged Ronnie Garvin and they’re ALL OVER IT. Perfect takes him down with a couple of hiptosses and throws some chops in the corner, but Garvin returns fire with slams and sends Perfect flying out of the ring with Hands of Stone. That’s only a finisher in Crockett territory and Nashville is neutral, so Perfect recovers pretty quickly. Back in, Garvin slugs away and Perfect’s going flying over the top again. Back in, Perfect continues stalling for time and they fight over a wristlock, but Perfect grabs the hair to gain the advantage. Perfect beats on him in the corner, but Garvin fires back with a headbutt and gets a rollup for two. Perfect with a sunset flip, but Garvin punches him to block and gets two. Garvin Stomp sets up the Sharpshooter attempt, but Perfect goes to the eyes and comes back with the necksnap. I’ve always loved Perfect’s idiosyncratic shaking of the leg before kicking a guy, like he’s winding up for something. Garvin comes back and wins a slugfest before grabbing a sleeper, but he releases it and gets two. Garvin keeps throwing punches and drops an elbow for two as Perfect is just selling his ass off here. Garvin rams him into the turnbuckles, moving down from the top to the bottom one, and rolls him up for two off that. They collide and Perfect goes FLYING across the ring off that simple bump, but Garvin recovers first with a small package for two, which Perfect reverses for the pin at 10:49. OK, shut my mouth, that was a fucking awesome match. 1 for 1.

Bobby Heenan does a “manager’s profile” where he insults a bunch of babyfaces. 1 for 2.

Mean Gene travels to the outbacks of Australia for a profile on the Bushwackers.

The Bushwackers v. The Bolsheviks

From MSG, which was apparently the WWF debut of Luke and Butch. Of note, the commentary team is Ron Trongaard, Lord Alfred Hayes, and Hillbilly Jim. That’s gotta be up there with the worst of all time. The Wackers chase the Russians out of the ring and go to work on Boris in the ring. Volkoff comes in and catches Luke in a bearhug, but he bites out of it and drops an elbow for two. Another bearhug from Volkoff, but Butch bites him in the ass to break. The Bolsheviks take over with a cheapshot from Boris and Volkoff whips Luke into the corner for two. The Russians work him over in the corner and it’s all kick kick punch punch, but Butch randomly gets the hot tag and comes back. The Bolsheviks collide, and the Wackers finish Boris with the battering ram at 9:21. 1 for 2.

The Bushwackers v. Brooklyn Brawler & Bad News Brown

I’m sure Bad News was thrilled to be a part of this. The Wackers double-team the Brawler right away, but Bad News comes in and puts Butch down with a headbutt and beats on him. And then Brawler comes in again and gets beat on by Luke, so Bad News has to tag in and take care of business himself again. And then it’s back to Brawler, who is useless as ever, and he gets finished with the battering ram at 5:40 while Brown is busy telling off the front row. 1 for 3.

The Bushwackers v. The Powers of Pain

This is from Maple Leaf Gardens, and Barbarian immediately beats on Butch in the corner, but the Wackers regroup in the corner and Butch tries a headlock. That goes nowhere, so Luke comes in behind Barbarian for the schoolboy bump and the Powers retreat. Warlord comes in and bearhugs Luke to slow down the torrid pace a bit. Over to Butch, who gets sent into the post outside the ring and the Powers slowly go to work on him before Barbie misses an elbow and it’s hot tag Luke. Battering ram to Barbarian and another for Warlord, but Barbarian boots Luke and Fuji comes in for the DQ at 9:20. Really lethargic match, even by their standards. 1 for 4.

So the payoff for the Mean Gene skits is Gene eating tainted buzzard meat and morphing into a Bushwacker.

Call of the Action, with Lord Alfred Hayes. The idea here is that Alfred shows us some “complex holds” and names them for us. This is basically comprised of a series of clips of the Rockers beating up jobbers, with Alfred naming stuff like “clotheslines” and “midsection blows”. 1 for 5.

Rick Rude v. Tito Santana

We’re in Boston for this one, and Rude immediately wants a test of strength. Tito foolishly accepts, so Rude forces him down and gives him some hip swivel action for good measure. That’s a tad suggestive. Tito fights up and wins the battle, so Rude hides in the corner and claims a hand injury. Tito wants a rematch, so Rude just boots him and grabs a headlock. Tito keeps powering out and Rude keeps grabbing the hair to stop him, so finally Tito whips him into the corner to break and goes to a rear chinlock. Finally Tito tries to jump onto Rude’s back and lands on his knees, and Rude takes over. And oh yeah, it’s MORE CHINLOCKS. Rude goes up with a forearm from the top for the big highspot of the match. Tito blocks a backdrop with a facebuster, but he misses a splash and Rude goes back to work again. Rude tries a suplex, but his back gives out and Tito makes the comeback and takes out the leg, setting up the figure-four. Rude escapes to apron and Tito sends him back in, but tries a sunset flip and Rude blocks it for the pin at 16:51. Nothing to it as a match, but Tito knows exactly how to time his comebacks so it was watchable enough for a point. 2 for 6.

Jake Roberts v. Ted Dibiase

From one of their endless series of matches at MSG in 89. Dibiase stalls to start as they do the usual comedy stuff to start, and fight for the test of strength. Jake tries the DDT and Dibiase runs away for more stalling. Jake works the arm, but Dibiase grabs the hair a few times and manages to run away again. So Jake goes back to the arm and hits the kneelift, but Dibiase runs away yet again. Jake rams him into Virgil for some heel dissention, but Jake stupidly goes after Virgil and gets caught by Dibiase with a fistdrop to take over. Dibiase slugs away in the corner and goes to an extended chinlock, then releases and gets two. Back to the chinlock, but Jake escapes with a jawbreaker and makes the comeback. Short arm clothesline, but Dibiase escapes the DDT with help of Virgil. He stops to gloat about it, and Jake rolls him up for the pin at 16:00. These two just never had a great match together, and this was all chinlocks and stalling. 2 for 7. As usual, poor Virgil takes the beating on Dibiase’s behalf afterwards.

Tony Schiavone talks to various idiot fans at arenas as we’re really stretching for content here. Some real hard-hitting journalism, like “What do you like about Ultimate Warrior?” 2 for 8.

Tugboat Thomas v. Iron Mike Sharpe

They randomly put Tugboat’s TV debut from Superstars here, because reasons. Sharpe is unable to overpower Tugboat and misses a dropkick, and Tugboat gets his own dropkick and pounds on him in the corner. Big fat splash finishes at 2:25. 2 for 9.

Cage match: Hulk Hogan & Brutus Beefcake v. Randy Savage & Zeus

And finally the entire reason for this tape, the rematch from Summerslam that was taped weeks in advance and tacked on with “No Holds Barred” as a PPV “event” to try to squeeze a few last dollars out of the movie. Hulk briefly gets locked out of the cage while the heels beat on Beefcake, but he quickly climbs in over the top to kill that gimmick and makes the save. Hogan and Beefcake double-team Savage and run him into the cage, but Zeus rams Hogan into the cage and chokes him down. Savage tries to climb back in and gets caught by Beefcake, who rams him into Sherri. The heels quickly come back and double-team both faces with a lot of nothing and then try to climb out. The faces save, including one ludicrous spot where Savage and Beefcake somehow ram each other into the cage and knock each other out. I’m pretty sure that’s not how physics works. Sherri tosses a chain in for Savage, and he comes off the top with it and gets hit by Beefcake on the way down. Meanwhile Zeus blocks a bodyslam and chokes away, but Hulk makes the comeback while Beefcake escapes over the top. Then Hulk finishes off Zeus with the slam and three legdrops for the pin at 9:24. Complete and total crap, basically an unwatchable mess. 2 for 10.

The Pulse

This tape was not so super. Check out a shockingly great Garvin v. Perfect match and then stop there.