Kane vs. Elijah Burke
We get this match even before we get told where we are (Biloxi, MS) so we must be getting a loaded (with WM hype) show.
We get told again that the winner of the WM24 Battle Royal will IMMEDIATELY challenge Chavo so it being moved to the dark match must have been a late change. Kane gets hyped as a possible winner while Burke gets nowt and the same goes for in the in-ring action as Kane pummels Burke for a few minutes until Burke attempts the Elijah Express in the corner and runs right into a Kane chokeslam.
Winner: Kane (Custer got more offence in the Battle Of Little Bighorn. I think Burke’s time is up.)
Armando Estrada talks to Mark Henry about being in the battle royal along with Great Khali and ”Big Daddy V.” TELL ME LIES, TELL ME SWEET LITTLE LIES. Chavo tries to talk to Armando but Colin Delaney interrupts. Chavo reminds us Colin embarrassed the brand by getting beat up by JBL on Raw (Dreamer must have spilled a Philly Cheese Steak over his bag and blamed Colin). Armando makes a non-title match tonight so Chavo can blow off some steam. Oh and Colin needs to win to get a ECW on Sci-Fi contract. Wait, he was working without a contract all this time? What would have happened if he won the tag titles last week, hold up Vince for owed-money before re-signing with AIW?
Floyd Mayweather gets a promo package about him being born poor but succeeding against all the odds and you’ve got to be eating those marijuana pills if you think I’m going to be sympathetic towards Junior. The package quickly changes to him playing Ted DiBiase and that’s more like it.
”I made $170 million last year, can you count that?” Probably better than you can read it.
Kofi Kingston vs. James Curtis
Yet another appearance by the Jobber With Name Graphic, someone backstage must have really liked him. Kofi applies holds for a while until Curtis gets one of his own. Kofi escapes and starts delivering Jamaican Leg Sweeps and the un-named Boom Drop. Kofi lands on his feet after a backdrop and nails the Trouble In Paradise to end it. ”With a kick like that, Kofi should be sponsored by Black and Decker!”
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Kingston trying the ”getting beat up and making a comeback” style match rather than an exhibition and it worked as the crowd has already taken to him.)
Punk is backstage with Festus & Jesse. He’s unsure if Festus is going to be OK tonight but Jesse assures him he has the face of someone who can go to the extreme.
The Miz, John Morrison & Shelton Benjamin vs. The Straight Edge Society & Jesse
The other guys know about Festus’ Feeble-Minded Strength so they do a runner when the bell rings but Festus chases them and cleans house outside the ring. Festus continues to beat up Morrison in the ring and slams uses Jeese as a projectile Jesse succumbs to kicks but tags in Festus and sends them outside, where Punk takes them all out with a springboard crossbody. Shelton tries to take out Festus but he sends him diving to the outside with one hand and that was a hot minute to take us to break.
Miz is getting kicked to death by Punk when we return and Morrison is deriding Punk with loud yells. ”YOU’RE DOING GREAT MIZ. HEY DON’T GET COCKY PUNK, REMEMBER ALL THOSE TIMES I BEAT YOU? HA?” Punk brings in Morrison, lands the Running Knee on The Miz but with the ref distracted by Morrison, Shelton shoves Punk off the ropes and he lands hard on the back of his head. That looked harsh. Shelton tags in and wears down Punk while the crowd chants for him. Morrison tags in and we get some of those wonderful counter-sequences that made their series last year so fun to watch. Punk shuts it down with an enziguri and makes the hot tag to THE CORN-FED COLOSSUS Festus who destroys everyone with gravy. Shelton tries to stop him but Jesse flies off the top with a dropkick. Festus blocks the Reality Check and ends with a Fireman’s Carry Into A Flapjack.
Winners: CM Punk, Jesse & Festus (This was a load of fun from beginning to end, with everyone getting a spot to shine and get their character over. This felt like one of those six-man tag matches you’d get on a Coliseum Home Video.)
RAW REBOUND: HHH takes control of Raw and has Orton & Cena team up against the entire roster. They do OK because they’re Cena and Orton but eventually it breaks down and HHH has to come out and pedigree the pair of them. Even the crack video editors couldn’t make this look not-stupid.
Another Mayweather vs. Show package, this time from Show’s perspective. He claims his wife is the same size as Floyd, but Mayweather’s used to boxing them.
Chavo Guerrero vs. Colin Delaney (Non-Title)
Tazz interviews Colin in-ring to check if he’s definitely sure he wants to continue. ”I’m a bit beat up…OK I’m a lot beat up.” Chavo pounds away on Colin as the commentators try and compare it to Mayweather vs. Show. Alright, alright we get it. Colin gets a few shots in and surprisingly gets a dropkick which sends Chavo outside. Chavo gets pissed and stretches Chavo as the crowd rallies behind proto-Ellsworth. Colin misses a dropkick so Chavo tries Three Amigos but Colin is so beat up Chavo lets go after the second suplex (Martin Short), so Chavo decides to end the match with a Frog Splash, smirking the whole time. However, Colin moves out the way and covers Chavo…for a two-count. Crowd was ready to bite on that. Chavo murders Colin with the Gory Bomb and makes sure to super-grab his leg on the pin-fall for good measure.
Winner: Chavo Guerrero (Five minutes long but filled with drama and crowd-love. Chavo was a splendid dick here.)
Overall:Skip all the belaboured Wrestlemania hype and this was a great episode. Burke got destroyed, Kofi looked good, crowd loved Colin and a great six-man tag. Oh and some splendid Festus GIF moments.