The SmarK Rant for Monday Night RAW – 06.06.94
Taped from Youngstown, OH
Your hosts are Vince McMahon & Randy Savage
Weird thing of the week: I switched to the XBone for my WWE Network viewing tonight, and it presents the RAW archives in chronological order rather than reverse order like the PS3 does. Just one of those odd choices developers make, I guess. The other weird thing is that colors are very bright and almost blown out on the Xbox, which makes the neon bodysuit era a nightmare to watch. (Nowadays, all the various interfaces are basically the same, which is nice. I normally still use the Xbox as my default for when I’m watching on the TV, although typically when I’m doing a rant I’ll just have it going in a window on my laptop and split-screen with Word. For those who care about that sort of thing.)
Lumberjack King of the Ring Qualifier: Tatanka v. Crush
Crush quickly beats on Tatanka and tosses him, and the heels toss him back in for two. Crush pounds away and goes to a chinlock in record time, before getting serious with a bodyslam. A knee misses and the fake crowd goes crazy! They can edit out music but can’t edit out their god-awful canned heat from 20 years ago? Tatanka dropkicks him out and gets two as we take a break. Back with Tatanka holding an armbar as Vince is still going on about how Crush can win multiple stuff in the same night. He hasn’t even qualified yet! Geez, I hope Vince’s penchant for excitedly overpromising stuff doesn’t come back to bite him years later. (Topical humor! Well, “disappointing” TV deal aside, they’re still making shitloads of money off it three years later.) So now it’s Crush with the armbar as the lumberjacks are far more interested in the match than the crowd is. Crush is just armbarring the shit out of Tatanka and in fact appears to be going for a kimura, but Tatanka is as bored of this match as I am and decides to make the comeback for the hell out of it The CHOP OF DOOM gets two, but Crush puts him down with an atomic drop for two. And then, yes, it’s ARMBAR TIME. And not just any armbar, but the kind of armbar where both guys lay on the mat like journeymen from 1909. So again Tatanka makes the comeback and we TAKE ANOTHER FUCKING BREAK?! Tatanka fights back with chops, but Crush puts him down for a fistdrop that gets two. And now Crush with the facelock, before tossing Tatanka out for a beating from the heels. Back in, that gets two for Crush. And then Crush goes back to the facelock AGAIN. Vince notes that it’s a “romp ‘em stomp ‘em” match, and I’m not 100% sure if that translates as good or bad in his mind. (Definitely good. It’s almost up there with “see saw matchup, back and forth” on the list of Vince-isms.) Crush with a suplex for two, but Tatanka tosses him into the babyfaces and he promptly KICKS THEIR ASSES. That’s kind of hilarious. So with the good guys unable to beat on the heel with a 10 on 1 advantage, Lex Luger runs out from the dressing room, knocks Crush out with the loaded forearm, and Tatanka gets the pin at 25:00. Yes, with commercials, they gave this nearly half an hour! So it was incredibly boring, made the babyfaces look like pussies, and Tatanka only won because Lex Luger cheated on his behalf. Awesome. *1/2
King of the Ring Report with another video sent in by Roddy Piper in lieu of actually appearing on the show.
Bam Bam Bigelow v. John Paul
Bigelow misses a splash and Paul goes to the arm as the announcers continue burying the Flintstones movie for the second week in a row for some reason. A quick check reveals that Flintstones had a domestic gross of $140M and a worldwide of $350M (which would equate to about $700M today), which means that it made more profit than all of the WWE movie releases, COMBINED. So retroactively suck it, 1994 Vince. Bammer wins with a senton at 2:30. (And then, a couple of years after I wrote this, WWE did a shitty animated movie WITH the Flintstones! Just goes to show that you never know when Vince is going to change his mind about someone.)
Earlier today, WWF wrestlers have a tug of war with the army to celebrate the 50th anniversary of D-Day. And they don’t even do the job for them!
The King’s Court with “Roddy Piper”. Yeah, it’s the kid who does the Piper impression, and Vince is SHOCKED at the bait-and-switch here. This is almost as bad as promising tripled TV rights fees to Wall Street! (In retrospect, had he not promised so much, he would have looked like a hero with that USA deal.) The kid does a funny impression for a 30 second bit, but this goes WAY too long, as “Piper” is supposedly a girlish coward.
Razor Ramon v. Keith Davis
“Keith” looks suspiciously like a 17 year old Jeff Hardy. With a Vanilla Ice haircut! In fact I’m 99% sure that’s him. Ramon just destroys the young Willow and gives him no offense, finishing with a backdrop suplex and Razor’s Edge at 4:00. That was quite the squash.
Next week: The Quebecers get a rematch for the tag titles in their last WWF match for a long time! Also, Ted Dibiase promises that the Undertaker will be on Superstars this weekend.