We’re in Houston, Texas the week after the historic Gulf Of Mexico match. We get clips of Chavo being saved by scuba divers and he complains about how ill he is after falling into the disgusting Gulf. Oh and he was stung by a jellyfish which amuses some NFL-Dad type so much he gives it a standing ovation.
Chavo wants Punk tonight but Armando decides Punk should take on Mark Henry so Chavo can rest. Chavo sneezes.
Stevie Richards vs. Rory Fox
Clips of Stevie’s sit-down interview from last week play and it has the desired effect as the crowd chant for him as he hams it up. Rory Fox is *googles* a jobber so Richards slaps him daft and finishes with a Double-Arm DDT.
Winner: Stevie Richards (Crowd responded politely to Stevie but whether or not this goes anywhere is something else. Still, let’s all enjoy the Stevie chants while they’re hot.)
Kelly Kelly vs. Layla
Apparently Layla is still mad about losing the Best Body contest three weeks ago. How dare Kelly get a real feud. Layla tries to ground Kelly with leg-scissors but the Master Of Unlocking manages to escape and falls off the top rope with a bodypress. Layla works over Kelly’s left arm as Kelly screams to buggery death. Kelly comes off the top with another Flying Bodypress and finishes with a Rocker Dropper.
Winner: Kelly Kelly (The wrestling Gods have decided Kelly is going to be a real wrestler and the other women in the division are doing everything in their power to keep the Gods happy. Kelly looks like she’s following instructions rather than understanding what’s going on but the matches are acceptable now so maybe less thinking is better.)
Kofi Kingston vs. Mike Knox
Knox gets the appropriate ”and in the corner to my left” entrance. Knox takes a Monkey Flip as well as Kofi’s big corner jump thing. Knox takes over on offence and grinds the match to a halt which results in giant KOFI chants so well done Unfrozen Caveman. Trouble In Paradise finishes.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Squash, Squash, Squash
Don’t need reason, don’t want names
Just a John Doe to put to shame)
Tommy Dreamer vs. John Morrison
Rematch from last week. John Morrison & The Miz talk shite and even though they don’t do much apart from spout off catchphrases, the boos are loud. Few wrestlers sound as genuinely dick-ish on the mic as Miz. Dreamer works over Morrison to begin, sending him outside and flying off the apron. Miz knocks Dreamer off the apron and onto the ring steps as the WWE Tag Champs insult Delaney, who responds with cowering. Morrison stretches Dreamer for a bit but misses a rope-assisted vault and lands on his (probably ab-covered) balls. Dreamer knocks Miz off the apron which allows Morrison to nail a springboard kick but then he gets distracted by Delaney which allows Dreamer to hit the DDT.
Winner: Tommy Dreamer (They’re selling this like Delaney is learning from Dreamer but he only won because Delaney distracted Miz. Still, Delaney learned Dreamer’s most valuable lesson of ”appear on ECW and you will get indie bookings until you die”.)
Post-match Miz & Morrison attack both men and leave Delaney lying after a powerbomb/neckbreaker Villano Killer.
Wrestlemania XXIV is 47 Days away so go out and buy Light It Up by Rev Theory, the hottest track to sound like 2002.
CM Punk vs. Mark Henry
By the time Henry gets in the ring and Chavo coughs his way to ringside, we have less than four minutes left. Joey’s ”Henry has arms like legs and legs like people” is one of my favourite Tazz-isms, nice of him to let him borrow it. Henry ignores Punk’s attempts at offence and bounces Punk when he tries a charge. Punk avoids a jumping elbow and a charge in the corner so he nails the Running Knee. The bulldog ends up with Punk launched across the ring and Henry smashes him across the ringpost on the outside. Henry then smothers Punk across the rope and refuses to release the hold and is DQ’d.
Winner via DQ: CM Punk (They tried but with 2 minutes and a fuck finish nothing was occuring.)
Post-match Punk sends Henry outside with an enziguri and Chavo takes a GTS because he hasn’t looked useless enough these past few weeks to the build to No Way Out.
Speaking of which…
CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero (ECW Title)
The title is on the line on PPV for the first time since Survivor Series 2007. We’re in Las Vegas and the crowd is loudly into Punk. Tilt-a-whirl gets a near-fall early for Punk, who attempts the springboard but Chavo kicks him off the apron. Large CHAVO SUCKS chants break out as he takes to kicking Punk. Punk tries to match him but Chavo knocks him down and follows with a rolling senton. Side suplex sends Chavo back on the canvas so he can squeeze him with a bodyscissors. Crowd is behind Punk so he powers out and slingshots Chavo into the turnbuckles. Punk runs right into a Chavo foot but he ignores it so he can give him a quick powerslam for two. Chavo reverses the GTS into a frankensteiner and a running tornado DDT gets two. Chavo bringing the Big Match Offence, looking like a different wrestler than the dude that plays him on TV. Punk blocks a kick and gets two from an enziguri, which brings us to the most memorable bit of the match: Punk mis-judges the mood and decides to imitate Eddy Guerrero and boy oh boy do the crowd take a mighty shit over that.
Tone-deaf Punk still goes for The Three Amigos and the crowd boos louder until Chavo halts it when he reaches Steve Martin. Tazz starts mentioning the crowd’s negative reaction to Punk until Vince tells at him through the headset and he turns it into ”yeah but they love his effort.” Punk gets two off a Running Knee/Bulldog combo as Chavo gets his foot on the rope. Chavo holds on the ropes for dear life as Punk attempts the GTS so Punk kicks him outside instead. Chavo sandbags as much as possible so Punk only gets two by the time he rolls him back in. Good strategy from Chavo, ignored by the commentators or maybe they think Chavo is naturally dense. Chavo gets crotched, Punk tries for a Frankensteiner off the top but Chavo holds on and finishes with the Frog Splash to a Big Fuck You Punk pop.
Winner and still ECW Champion: Chavo Guerrero (Match was a perfectly fine, back-and-forth affair until it reached 2/3 in and Punk turned the crowd against him. And then after several weeks of Chavo losing or getting attacked by jellyfish, creative changes their minds and decides Chavo is a good wrestler after all so he beats Punk clean so fuck watching weekly TV and being consistent.)
Overall: Kofi’s getting hyped, Stevie’s getting a push, Chavo is now a good wrestler. There, read that instead of watching this.
I’ve been Maffew and I haven’t done diddly-squat this week due to having Australian Flu so I’ve got nothing to plug but I recommend you watch Brawl In Cell 99.