Your Worst Nightmare

Dear Scott,

What is your worst nightmare?

Let me give it a shot:

It's 1997, you are watching Raw back when Bret Hart was Champion. He is defending against Triple H.

The doorbell rings, it's Donald Trump. He tells you you are a "terrific person" and that you should "hook up sometime."

Before you can close the door on him you are distracted to hear on the tv that Triple H has hit the pedigree and pinned Bret Hart for the WWF title clean. He is about to get the mic when you hear another knock at the door….

It's Celine Dion, but not that romanticized Canadian version of Celine Dion. Oh no, it's that pushy and self-absorbed Nicole Sullivan's Celine Dion. She starts telling you about her problems and you have to listen to her because you're Canadian-you're too polite.

Triple H gets on the mic and calls Stephanie to the ring as the new WWF champion as baloons fall. They kiss and she announces he is now running the entire promotion.

The doorbell rings again, this time it is the Queen of England. She informs you that you owe her 80% of your money because "unlike the Americans, you guys lost." She also tells you that you can only buy 1% beer in Canada from now on because all of your politicians in Canada sold all of that 7% Canadian beer to Google for their annual party in the US. 

Meanwhile, Trump is sitting on your couch on one of those first generation cell phones with JBL, He is inviting him over to your house and asks him to "bring that outfit you wear with the chaps."

The doorbell rings again, it's Avril Lavigne. She's crying because the Canadian government changed the requirement of the radio playing 60% Canadian artists to 50% and now you don't need to hear "Complicated" on the radio so much. But you do have to listen to her now because you're Canadian-you're too polite.

And all the while this is all happening, Michael Cole is standing right behind you doing running commentary. And this isn't that Michael Cole you could stand. Oh no. It's that annoying Michael Cole with Vince in his ear-back when you used to call him a little b. The one who does all his annoying habits of over-emphasizing and under-emphasizing all at the wrong times. He keeps saying things like "I think he is going to go for some maple syrup" or "RCMP…don't mount that Mountie!"

On screen Vince heads down to the ring with an announcement. He says that due to the President Clinton lying to the American people Congress has impeached him and has selected Triple H as the successor and new president of the United States. Every single person in America cheers. 

Triple H accepts, and declares his national platform-to install a Triple H in every work environment-in Canada. He exclaims "How do you like me now Scott?"



P.S. We are just secretly jealous of you guys down here in America. 

​Huh.  Scary accurate, although I subscribe to SiriusXM and Google Play Music, so I don't actually listen to radio.  ​