We’re in the University of Virginia with new graphics and set as the HD era has begun and tonight Chavo gets a title shot after losing twice because he has something of an edge.
Nah that’s too subtle. Edge helped him win last week.
Battle Royal (Kane, The Miz, John Morrison, Tommy Dreamer, Shelton Benjamin)
No Miz and Morrison tag match this week? Oh great, we’re off to a fabulous start. There’s no reason for this other than RUMBLE HYPE. Joey tells us if Dreamer wins the Royal Rumble, he’ll challenge for the ECW Title at Wrestlemania. Aim for the stars, you may hit the moon. Dreamer tries to attack Kane but that goes as well as Gonya fighting Tete and Dreamer is out. Everyone else beats on Kane until he’s down for a while so they assume he’s dead like in the Halloween films and start attacking each other. Kane sits up and hurls Miz & Morrison out but while Shelton is straddling the ropes he’s able to headscissor Kane from the ring for the win.
Winner: Shelton Benjamin (Pointless and brief battle royal that happened just so Shelton can go AIN’T NO STOPPING ME NOOOOOOOWWWW and BUY THE RUMBLE PPV THIS SUNDAY PLEASE.)
Layla vs. Kelly Kelly vs. Lena Yada (Best Body Contest)
”What a way to use HD!” spanks Joey excitedly as this pops up on my screen.
There’s some backstory here as Lena declared herself the winner last week in a dance-off she wasn’t involved in but there’s nothing I can GIF or take screenshots of as Scott Keith’s blog is strictly PG so feel free to open up your favourite Master Of My Domain site on another tab. Kelly wins via crowd approval so Layla and Lena slam her afterwards, somehow wrestling the same wearing high heels as they do in boots.
Kofi Kingston vs. David Owens
Kofi’s debut! Weird to think he’s been on WWE for nearly ten years. He’s a happy, smiling Jamaican here but his opponent is a waste man who lands on him during a leg sweep.
”Nice!” says Tazz. Kofi shows his crazy vertical leap by jumping onto the second rope as his opponent is in the corner, drawing ”ooooohs” from the crowd. They immediately vanish when mini-Batista struggles with a monkey flip.
Kofi shows off more vertical leaps but his follow up crossbody is so vertical the only way Owens can take it is by falling down before Kingston lands on him.
Tazz: ”Kofi Kingston, serious athlete!” Polish hammers and a flapjack gets the crowd back on his side, as does the Boom Boom Drop. Trouble in Paradise finishes.
Winner: Kofi Kingston (Kofi showed a lot of promise here with his athleticism but you’d think he’d have some of the more unconventional bits of his offence ironed out before showing up on TV. He got ten years out of this so well done.)
Royal Rumble By The Numbers video. This video has lasted as long as Kofi has.
Colin Delaney shows up to coincide with his Smackdown appearance this week clearly showing someone in WWE loves these recaps.
Colin is so taped up with bandages, Tazz has to turn him so he can see the titantron. Ha! After a recap of his worst moments, Tazz unveils his opponent.
Colin Delaney vs. The Great Khali
Fun fact: Both of these guys have done Botchamania intros. Brain-chop, Punjabi Plunge and Crush’s old finisher ends it.
Winner: The Great Khali (Khali managed to not kill Colin so it was ***)
CM Punk vs. Chavo Guerrero IV: The Revenge (ECW Title, No DQ)
Edge was shown talking with Vickie Guerrero and Armando beforehand and the match is announced as being No DQ. ”Is that a coincidence?” asks Joey and Edge dead-pans ”yeah, it must be.” So Chavo has lost twice, won one and only obtained a title shot because of Edge. CM Punk pounds Chavo to begin and removes the turnbuckle pad. Chavo cuts him off but can’t get the advantage and Punk knocks him down with a tope on the outside. Punk works over Chavo’s back by whipping him into the guard-rail but Chavo doesn’t appreciate that and gives him a front suplex into the ring steps. Back in, Chavo sends Punk back-first into the ring-post via basement dropkick. That was nice. Chavo locks in the Abdominal Stretch (not Abominable as I sometimes type) as the crowd chants for Punk. Well the kids and girls do anyway, it sounds exactly like a positive Cena chant. Punk destroys Chavo with a Diesel Clothesline and commences his Five Moves Of Doom (Running Knee, Bulldog) but tries a Springboard Clothesline and gets kicked in the ribs. Chavo nails Three Amigos and tries for a Frog Splash (to big boos) but sees Punk moving so he turns it into a roll by pressing R1 at the right time. Punk doesn’t care and dunks him into the exposed turnbuckle and nails the GTS. However, Edge runs in and spears Punk and immediately goes back to commentating. ”What a match folks!” Chavo slowly crawls over for the win.
Winner and new ECW Champion: Chavo Guerrero (Passable match here thanks to the brawling and No DQ but the focus was on the storyline and Chavo played his role well as the Guy of Gisborne to Edge’s Sheriff of Nottingham.)
Post-match Vickie Guerrero and The Edgeheads join Chavo and Edge in the ring as one big La Familia.
Overall: A Battle Royal, a Best Body Contest and a botchy debut nearly make this the most skippable ECW on Sci-Fi ever. Chavo winning the title and continuing the Punk feud is an improvement to the absolute nothing Punk was doing before this so watch this for the title change if you absolutely have to because the main highlight of the show was Edge on commentary.
I’ve been Maffew and I have fuck-all to plug right now as I’m watching my mate do K-1 and I need to run like hell to get to it so byeyeeeeee.