The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW 12.20.93 / 12.27.93 / 01.03.94

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – December 27 1993

– Taped yet again from Poughkeepsie, NY. Was there something going on that week that they couldn’t go live again?

– Your hosts are Vince, Jacques & Pierre. The gag being that Pierre speaks English about as well as George St. Pierre does. But he at least has more than one suit.

Lex Luger v. Barry Horowitz

Lex works the arm while Jacques questions why Luger has to oil his body up all the time. Yeah, good question! Lex whips Barry into the corner for two, but the Stooges Eyepoke turns the tide and he follows with a jawbreaker. Luger slugs back, but Barry gives him a Nash choke in the corner and pounds away. He tries a blind charge to put Luger away, but makes the fatal error of literally patting himself on the back first and gets clotheslined. That’s pretty deep. Luger finishes with a powerslam and superplex at 4:22.

Johnny Polo v. Marty Jannetty

Polo hiptosses out of a headlock to start, then takes Marty down with an armdrag and celebrates well out of proportion to his accomplishment. Marty whips him into the corner, but Polo hops to the apron and celebrates again, and this time Marty hauls him back in for an atomic drop into a backdrop suplex. That gets two. Marty works the arm now, but misses a bodypress and splats on the floor. Polo follows him with a suicide dive (“Polo fever…CATCH IT!”), but Marty slingshots back in with a bodypress for two. Polo hits the chinlock, but they criss-cross and collide and both are out. Marty recovers first and sends Polo into the corner, then hits a back elbow and faceplants him. He goes up and Polo crotches him, but Marty recovers with a high cross for two. Polo charges and Marty rolls him up for two. Marty dropkicks him to the floor, but Pierre abrogates his responsibility as a color man and goes to help Polo, but eats a baseball slide. Marty goes for a dive on Polo, but Pierre trips him up. Polo tries to attack and gets superkicked, so Pierre pulls Polo out of the ring. Marty hits Pierre with a dive and tries a sunset flip on Polo, but Pierre grabs the hands and Polo gets the cheap win at 8:22. That was rather overbooked for a match between a manager and a tag wrestler, but it’s the third week of tapings so you take what you can get. They were trying hard but the crowd just wasn’t buying Polo as a threat. **3/4

Doink the Clown v. Spike Gray

Doink is now noticeably taller than before, and finishes Gray with a bridged german suplex at 1:01 after Dink distracts him. It’s probably Steve Lombardi at this point while they search for a new guy to play the clown.

Crush v. Mike Moraldo

Crush uses his EVIL MARTIAL ARTS to put Moraldo down, then presses him and pounds away. More martial artistry and he uses kind of a Bossman slam/chokeslam thing and finishes with what appears to be an Iron Claw at 2:24. That was the least scariest claw I’ve ever seen, and I’ve seen Kerry Von Erich wrestling drunker than Courtney Love.

Meanwhile, Undertaker is making a casket for Yokozuna as a Christmas present. I’d hate to get Undertaker for Secret Santa.

Razor Ramon v. Derek Domino

Hell of a name on the jobber. Jacques goes for the pizza jokes rather than the Clapton jokes, but either would work. Domino slugs away in the corner and does pretty well at it until Ramon gets angry and fires back, then hiptosses him across the ring. Blockbuster suplex and Ramon slaps him around on the mat to kill time. Abdominal stretch while Vince shills a Mike Tyson bio-pic on USA, a classy affair no doubt. And this was 1993, before much of the REALLY skeevy stuff had even happened to Tyson! Razor’s Edge finishes at 3:50. Jacques resolution for Pierre in 1994: Teach him how to speak English. I think he’s still working on that one.

Next week: The Smoking Gunns v. Bam Bam Bigelow & Bastion Booger! Guess that means it’s week FOUR of this crappy taping. Plus Jeff Jarrett and Yokozuna. Was there a bunch of stuff cut out of this episode? Because it was only 33 minutes long as opposed to the full 45.