I’m nursing what may be the Wrestlemania X7 of hangovers so this recap is unofficially endorsed by Fireball Whiskey, Bonnie Tyler and bad decisions. We’re in Bakersfield, CA, home of Korn, Adema and er Vincent Brothers.
We get a ‘In Memory of Fabulous Moolah’ graphic to start because having one for Chris Benoit wasn’t enough this year.
Dramatic recap of the John Morrison vs. CM Punk feud but hey never mind that, it’s the debut of the Brent Smith re-recorded DON’T QUESTION MY HEART (a.k.a. the good version).
Kane vs. Mark Henry
Henry won the Monster Mash Battle Royal last week and Kane’s still angry because Kane killed his parents and fucked a dead woman so he’s definitely more monster-y than Mark. Doesn’t go well for Kane as the Silverback beats the life out of him. Joey reminds us Henry’s been in WWE for ten years which isn’t much of a compliment when all he has to show for it is that one European Title reign that Jarrett awarded him because he couldn’t be arsed to defend it. Tazz knows how to shill Henry better by reminding the audience that you can show a film on Henry’s back. Attaboy Tazz. Henry continues to wear down The Bald White Machine but the crowd loves Kane so they don’t care. Kane tries to come back but punches Henry in the head forgetting Henry’s black, and gets swatted away as a result. Kane connects with the Falling Off The Top Rope Clothesline and carries on clotheslining Henry in the corner to set up a chokeslam but Henry slams him and decides ”fuck it” and hits Kane with a chair right in front of the ref.
Winner via DQ: Kane (Mark Henry wasn’t awesome yet so this was plod-plod but Kane’s always over and getting a reaction out of the ECW on Sci-Fi crowd gets my respect.)
Mark Henry gives Kane the World’s Strongest Slam on the chair and walks off to boos as I try to think if Kane WASN’T over at any time.
Jamie Noble vs. Nunzio
Noble has generic rock music and no sign of the old trailer park gimmick so lemme check what period of Mini-Benoit’s career this is. Oh it’s after the Pitbulls team with Kash ended. Footage of Noble vs. Rey Mysterio ”courtesy of Jamie Noble” plays during the entrance and it’s all Noble on offence, complete with old video scratches like it’s footage of the Hindenburg. There’s a lot of questions there if you overthink it (which I am) but I say the gimmick of Noble The Hick That Can Use Avid probably would have got The Pitbulls at least one tag title reign. Both men are former Cruiserweight champions, something I didn’t know about because Nunzio won his on Velocity and lost it quickly to Juvi. Crowd dies a horrible, horrible death as Noble clubbers away so the commentators amuse themselves:
Styles: Guess what I dressed up as for Halloween?
Tazz: A play-by-play guy?
Styles: *no response as he tries not to laugh*
Nunzio recovers from a chinlock and lands the Sicilian Slice for two. A Tornado DDT is blocked and Noble lands a Uranage-into-a-backbreaker and finishes with the Slingblade (Fireman’s Carry into gutbuster).
Winner: Jamie Noble (Normal whatever match wrestled by two-cruiserweight size guys. Styles called this a ”very impressive victory” so he’s still recovering from Tazz’s joke.)
Joey announces Wrestlemania will be outside next year. Tazz:”Good, maybe you’ll get hit by lightning.”
Layla vs. Kelly Kelly
Both women are managed by Miz, not that it matters much as Kelly is appearing on Raw now. Clips of Kelly getting destroyed by Beth Phoenix as she holds her neck and selling as convincingly as she wrestles. Miz takes credit for Kelly’s pain as Layla sneak attacks her. This is all kicks, hair-pulls and screaming. Kelly takes one slam and that’s the end.
Winner: Layla (Well that happened.)
Balls shows up to check on Kelly as Layla holds Miz back from getting involved. Kelly and Balls are over with the crowd so I can’t hate it but it’s not stopping me from trying.
Elijah Burke vs. Shannon Moore
Moore is on the Smackdown brand, for those wondering what happened to him after Punk bitch-slapped him months ago. Commentators waste no time ragging on Burke for his appearance on Ghost Hunters where he ran scared or something. Moore lands some Frankensteiners to start off hot but Burke begs off so he can get a cheeky slap. Burke punches away and lands the Outer Limitz Elbow after going through a period of only teasing it. Tazz: ”TV doesn’t do that move justice!” Uh-huh. Elijah Express double knees ends it.
Winner: Elijah Burke (Burke still getting wins despite having no momentum because he’s the back-up guy in case anyone else gets busted by Sports Pharmacy. I can’t think of a better advert for kicking drugs out of wrestling.)
RAW RECAP of the One Night Only return of D-X as they beat Orton and Umaga, never teaming up again and going out on a high note.
CM Punk (Addicted To Competition) vs. John Morrison (Addicted to whatever’s on offer at Sports Pharmacy) ECW Title Match
Last time there was a title match on TV it was Punk dethroning Morrison in one of the best matches in this show’s history. Less than seven minutes left as we start so call me crazy but I don’t think they’ll be beating it. I should type up a STUFF TO WATCH ON THIS SHOW now that 2006-2007 is on the Network. Loud ”CM Punk” chant to start which is a good sign. Good counter-counter feeling out process that I have no hope in hell of recapping ends with Morrison connecting with a springboard kick. Morrison keeps Punk grounded and uses Punk’s own arms to chinlock him.
I love that, such a dick move. Punk escapes and lands his springboard clothesline for two. Styles calls this possibly the best feud since the rebirth of ECW. Aye, second only to Heyman vs. McMahon last year. Morrison lands some kicks but gets a scoop slam for his troubles. Crowd is into everything Punk does but Miz shows up to ruin things after Punk gets a two from the Running Knee. Morrison gets a sweet bridging pin and Punk nearly ends it with GTS but he spots Miz and hesitates so he nearly loses to a roll-up. Miz throws his hat at Morrison who wastes time kicking it out the ring and gets rolled up as a result.
Winner and still ECW Champion: CM Punk (Plenty of smooth action from two guys who know each other very well at this point. They packed a lot of action for six minutes with a Miz finish and didn’t mess anything up so well done.)
Post-match Miz dickingly grins away like Evil Ed from Fright Night as we fade to black.
Overall: OK the great period of ECW on Sci-Fi is nearly here but you know how WWE can be sometimes during the Autumn/Winter period as they’re killing time before Rumble starts. So ignore the Smackdown talent exchange translating as ”different jobbers” and enjoy Morrison vs. Punk.
I’ve been Maffew and I have a website where I type about Herb Abrams’ UWF.