We’re in Kansas City, Missouri and Cyber Sunday is this weekend so expect this show to be more like a Jerry Lewis telethon than a wrestling show.
The Miz and his harem run down the Cyber Sunday guys (”Morrison is a fruitcake, look at him!”) before addressing Kelly Kelly’s date with Balls Mahoney and reminding us he owns her contract. He isn’t going to fire her though, he’s going to make her life hell instead. Morrison shows up to insult Miz’s Michael Jackson hat to no reaction. Morrison shouts a bit before trying to get Kelly Kelly to come to his Palace of Wisdom so she can scream his name. This brings out angry Balls but he gets beat up. Morrison taunts so CM Punk runs out to deck him. Crowd only cared about Balls and Punk, Morrison and Miz getting no reaction was brutal considering the noise they were getting in UK last week.
Miz and Morrison argue backstage but Armando tells them they’ll have to get along tonight as they’re teaming up. Yeah, like that’ll last.
Kane vs. Big Daddy V
V attacked Kane on Smackdown because Kane showed up to ECW last week to beat V. Kane can’t knock him down so V gives him a clothesline and effortlessly bodyslams him. Kane runs into a Big Titty Slam but he rolls outside before he can get pinned. ”TV does not do this man justice!” shouts Taz as Kane gets hurled into the ring steps. When we return from break (this is getting a break?), V is riding Kane with an enormous Rear Mount. He splashes his back and goes for the submission which was his finish two weeks ago. They must have abandoned it as Kane recovers due to mild crowd support and uppercuts the spit out of V’s mouth. Kane flies off the top with the patented Jump Off The Top Rope Land On Feet Then Clothesline Opponent but here’s Mark Henry for the DQ. Kane pounds away on him until THE GREAT KHALI shows up. All the monsters brawl until Kane is King of Monster Island. Or Monsterland, whatever.
Winner: Kane (V got 90% of the offence and lost without losing so we can the mega-match next week.)
We get the Smackdown Rebound instead of the Raw Rebound for the first time, which makes sense if they’re working together. It’s Undertaker vs. Batista Part IV this weekend, which is better than it looks on paper because Undertaker won once and they’ve drawn twice. Big Dave beat Khali for the title and this is the only match at Cyber Sunday that means anything, even with the forced CHOOSE THE REF stip. The Batista vs. Undertaker series came out of nowhere to be one of the best of 2007, enjoying the same chemistry Strowman and Big Show are having in 2017.
Balls Mahoney thanks Punk for helping him. Punk tells him it’s fine as they’ll be able to work together unlike Morrison and Miz. Huh. Punk asks Balls how the date went with Kelly and he laughs maniacally.
Punk: ”That’s disturbing.”
Balls: ”Hey that’s what she said too!”
Elijah Burke vs. Nunzio
Elijah Burke left Nunzio last week during their tag match against Jesse and Festus and Nunzio wants revenge. Wow, a time-filler match with a plot? ECW is spoiling us this week. Burke overpowers to begin but Nunzio kicks away with his ”abnormally large feet”. Burke dunks him on the top rope and catapults him under the bottom rope. This drags on and on and the crowd lose interest as Nunzio is still a jobber. Nunzio gets the Sicilian Slice for a close two. Burke turns a jump off the top into a STO and finishes with the Elijah Express.
Winner: Elijah Burke (Nice of Nunzio to get a slightly competitive match but crowd wasn’t into it and it went way too long for the end result being Nunzio losing.)
The Great Khali shouts in evil foreignese backstage. I hope someone translates it and it turns out he’s cursing up a storm in his native tongue, like Ludvig Borga was doing in ’93.
Big Daddy V announces he’s going to win the Monster Mash Battle Royal next week. Hang on, did the WWE Network cut out a promo announcing the match was happening because the commentators hadn’t mentioned it. Bit weird. Anyway that match has over twenty million hits on WWE’s YouTube so well done Lagana.
Kelly Kelly’s Eskimo Brothers (Balls Mahoney & CM Punk) vs. The Miz & John Morrison
Miz is wearing patterned shorts you’d expect to see on a Final Fantasy character. Like Golovkin last night, Miz isn’t wanting to rush into the fight and avoids Punk to start (was that a forced enough reference?). Balls tags in after WE WANT BALLS chants and they work as a team by isolating Miz in their corner. Balls is Balls though so Miz is able to tag out to Morrison easily. JoMo doesn’t fair well against the BALLS BALLS BALLS but he misses the New Jersey Jam. Styles compliments Balls on his balance on the top rope trained by his years of surfing. ”Balls is a surfer? Now there’s a visual.” Balls gets worked over by JoMoMiz as the commentators completely de-rail this match by reminiscing about the time Balls killed a mako shark with a butter-knife when he was fishing off the New Jersey coast. Styles corrects Tazz and says he used a plastic spork. Tazz adds that happened ten years ago but Balls is wearing the same gear now as he was then. Maybe it’s because I’m still hungover but I laughed like a big, stupid idiot at this. Morrison does some flips and kicks.
Crowd doesn’t give a shit. Miz tags himself in and they nearly come to blows because Miz loves the spotlight. Balls finally tags in Punk who takes out everyone with his early 2000s indie cruiserweight offence. Miz accidentally clotheslines Morrison which lets Punk land the GTS.
Winners: CM Punk and Balls Mahoney (Decent action but nothing memorable aside from Styles and Tazz’s crazy commentary.)
Overall: Nothing remarkable but the foundations are being set for the really good 2008 with Miz & Morrison as well as Mark Henry & Big Daddy V.
And so to Cyber Sunday where this happened, shocking the IWC in 2007.
Miz winning makes a lot more sense after watching these shows every week. V had a shitty three minute match at No Mercy and Morrison vs. Punk was done to death. Plus, Punk’s a good guy so why wouldn’t you vote for the guy least likely to win? The whole ”pick the bad guy to wrestle the good guy” idea was doomed from the start, how’s a bad guy supposed to curry favour with the audience when they’re a dick?
CM Punk vs. The Miz (ECW Title)
Long headlock session as both men plan the match they weren’t expecting to have. Some sloppinness as Miz struggles to second-guess Punk so Miz uses his best moves, the shit-talk. He gets a calf kick for his troubles. Punk with a Slingshot Suplex for two followed by a Superplex attempt (”we could be in Superplex City tonight”) which ends with Punk eating turnbuckle. Miz is getting a lot of boos because he’s such a Ryan Seacrest at this point. Punk counters a chinlock to an armdrag and we get the one thing I remember about this match ten years later.
Punk ignores it and goes for a pin. Miz goes to another headlock as the crowd chant for Y2J and John Morrison. Punk armdrags Miz off the top and makes his firey tee-total comeback. Salad Days Running Knee/Bulldog combo followed by the Springboard Clothesline for two. Punk shouts ”Go To Sleep!” as if the crowd needed encouragement. Miz gets a quick roll-up which makes the crowd shit themselves with fear but Punk rolls out and ends it with a GTS.
Winner and still ECW Champion: CM Punk (Completely missable so it was consistent with the the rest of Cyber Sunday’s undercard. Punk in 2007 was best at being on defence and Miz was absolutely not ready to play that role on PPV. And hey another unimpressive Punk match on PPV. 2007 really hampered his sterling reputation.)
That’s your lot, I’ve been Maffew and the latest Botchamania is 351 and it’s right here.
Oh and here’s a plug for my Herb Abrams’ UWF review.
There wasn’t enough GIFs this week so here’s the character Shocklord from the indie RPG game Lisa RPG.