The SmarK Rant for Lucha Underground S01E09
Your hosts are Vampiro & Matt Striker
OK, this is where the show really breaks out and becomes something special, as we crown the first Lucha Underground champion.
Dario Cueto welcomes us to the match that he, Dario Cueto, invented: AZTEC WARFARE. It’s a Royal Rumble, but with pins and submissions, and ANYTHING GOES. Because he loves violence.
Lucha Underground title: Aztec Warfare
Fenix is #1, and Johnny Mundo is #2. Dario stresses that it was by random draw. Fenix gets a couple of hot moves to start, but Mundo hits him with a leg lariat and clotheslines him over the top rope. Not an elimination here. Mr. Cisco is #3 (“Known affectionately by his crew as Rusty Screwdriver”, notes Vampiro) and he hits Mundo with a senton, but Mundo and Fenix double-team him and Mundo pins him with the End of the World at 2:20. Fenix and Mundo kick each other out and we take a break. Back with King Cuerno at #4, and he unloads on both babyfaces with running forearms and a tope suicida on Mundo. Fenix hits him in turn with a somersault plancha that gets pretty amazing hangtime. Son of Havoc is #5 and he cleans house and hits everyone with a handspring dive, as Pimpinela Escarlata is #6. Ropewalk on Fenix and double armdrag for him and Cuerno, but he stops to kiss the referee and gets hit from behind.
Prince Puma is #7 as we’re just ripping through this thing, and he pounds on Mundo and gets a crazy springboard moonsault for two. Blind charge hits Mundo’s foot, but Fenix hits Mundo from behind and follows with a springboard legdrop for two. Ivelisse is #8 and she flies in with a tornado DDT on Puma, but runs afoul of Pimpy. Cuerno lays him out, however, and Havoc pins him with a shooting star press at 9:06. Cuerno goes after Ivelisse and gets some kicks for his troubles, as Drago is #9. He dumps Fenix and hits Mundo with a DDT for two, but pauses too long and Cuerno catches him with an enzuigiri. Ivelisse breaks that up, so Cuerno pins her with the Thrill of the Hunt at 10:45. More like Thrill of the C…well, we won’t go there. Bael is #10, and Cortez Castro is #11, but Son of Havoc gets pinned by Puma at 11:53 after a dive. The Crew double-teams Puma and Ricky Mandel is #12. Puma pins Bael with a standing shooting star at 14:00, and Mundo pins Castro at 14:22 with a shining wizard.
Big Ryck is #13 and he immediately pins Mandel with a chokeslam, then Cuerno pins Drago with the Thrill of the Hunt at 16:00. Pentagon Jr. is #14, and Puma teams up with Mundo to superkick Ryck, but Pentagon WRECKS them with a powerbomb onto his knee. Super Fly is #15 while Ryck clears the ring with ease and Vampiro is on the side of Ryck punching Mundo “in the face about six more times.” Chavo Guerrero is #16 and he immediately clocks Super Fly with a chair and pins him at 19:28. Then one for Pentagon to pin him at 19:38. Hey, it’s no DQ, why not? Mascarita Sagrada is #17 as we take a break and return with MIDGET MADNESS. He puts Chavo on the floor with a headscissors and Fenix quickly chops him down, so Sagrada takes him down with a spinning headscissors and tries a dive, landing on a dropkick in the process. Sexy Star is #18, in Ms. Marvel outfit because it’s a special night, and she hits Chavo with a somersault senton off the apron. In the ring, Sagrada stands up to Big Ryck, and that goes badly for him and he’s pinned with a clothesline at 22:57. That was great.
Mariachi Loco is #19 and even this geek gets some shine with an enzuigiri on Fenix and ropewalk armdrag on Mundo, but he stops to dance and Ryck KILLS him. And finally, Mil Muertes is #20 so we’ve got everyone. Mil runs wild on everyone and disposes of Mariachi at 25:05 with the Flatliner. So we get the Muertes v. Ryck showdown, but everyone gangs up on Ryck and Muertes and hits finishers on them. Chavo keeps breaking up pins to steal the glory, but he and Fenix both pin Ryck at 26:50 regardless. Chavo hits Fenix with a chair and pins him at 27:05. Sexy Star goes after him, but Chavo slams her on the chair to cut that off. And then Blue Demon returns to distract Chavo, allowing Sexy to hit him with the chair and pin him at 28:43.
Final Four: Johnny Mundo, Sexy Star, Prince Puma and Mil Muertes
Puma and Mundo team up on Muertes and Striker likes Mundo’s chances because “he who gets wet earliest the most time to dry.” Uh, yeah, OK. Sexy makes a comeback and Muertes casually spears her at 30:18. No big loss there. Mundo pounds away on Muertes in the corner, but Puma takes Johnny down with a Zig Zag and goes after Muertes. Mil hangs Puma in the ropes, so Mundo dives over both guys and splashes Puma to the floor in a zany spot. Back in, Mundo fights with Muertes on the top rope, and the babyfaces team up with a superplex on Muertes. Puma makes his comeback, but Catrina gets involved, so Mundo hits her with an enzuigiri by accident. This makes Muertes MAD, but Puma cuts him off with a missile dropkick and Mundo and Puma hit stereo somersault splashes and pin him at 33:35.
So we’re down to Puma v. Mundo for the title. Puma with a spinning headkick for two, but Mundo rolls into the half-crab and Puma makes the ropes. Puma dumps him and they fight on the top rope, which allows Puma to get the SPANISH FLY for two. That move spits in the face of physics, but holy s---. Puma goes up again to finish, but Mundo cuts him off with an inverted rana and the End of the World for two. Back to the top again as they’re both going for the big killer move, but Mundo gets crotched and Puma hits the 630 splash to win the title at 39:28. They hug it out and Konnan comes down to celebrate with his guy to end the show. Take the Royal Rumble, subtract the dead spots, increase the pace, add dives and VIOLENCE, and you’ve got Aztec Warfare, an absolute home run of a debut for the concept. *****
It was literally a one-match show, but it’s a must-see match.