The SmarK Rant for WCW Monday Nitro–03.31.97

– The universe keeps trying to stop me from finishing this one, and I don’t know why.

– Live from Roanoke, West Virginia! The hottest ticket in all of West Virginia, according to Tony. Is that even saying much?

Lex Luger & The Giant (WCW World tag champions, according to the graphic) v. Rick Fuller & Roadblock. Giant tosses Fuller into the corners and smacks him around to start, and Luger works on the arm. Fuller misses a charge and Lex gets a backdrop suplex and clotheslines him down. Roadblock comes in with the big fat corner splash and an elbowdrop, but Luger no-sells and hits the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DEATH. Roadblock takes him down again and drops a knee to take over again, and follows with a legdrop for two. Fuller comes in and throws chops, and Roadblock goes up to finish, but misses a flying elbow. Hot tag Giant and he headbutts Roadblock from the apron before coming in with a pair of big boots. The jobbers try to double-team him, but Giant clotheslines them both and the chokeslam finishes Roadblock at 5:02. OK, this was insanely entertaining for a squash featuring four horrible guys. **1/2 Luger must have had the good coke backstage.

– Harlem Heat attacks after the match and Gene interviews them afterwards, as they gripe about getting no respect and how suckas be talking bout them. I hate it when suckas talk bout me.

WCW Women’s Cruiserweight title tournament: Toshie Uematsu v. Meiko Satomura. Women’s Cruiserweight title? WTF? Honestly I was too busy looking up the names online and missed most of the match, but I can tell you that Uematsu gets the win with a flying splash at 2:10. I don’t even remember that title so it can’t have lasted long.

Villano IV v. Psychosis. They trade wristlocks and Villano grabs a headlock, but Psy takes him down with a clothesline. He drops Villano on the top rope and puts him on the floor with Tony’s patented “spinning body attack”, and then follows with a corkscrew plancha. Back in, they botch something and Villano gets two off it. I don’t even know what they were going for there. Villano sunset flip gets two. BUT WAIT! Something’s going on backstage, and it’s the nWo drinking COFFEE! Holy S---! Back to the ring, Villano misses a moonsault and Psy superkicks him and finishes with the flying legdrop at 3:46. Mike Tenay tries to call the finish, but Larry tells him to “shut up” and makes his point about Kevin Nash and his cup of coffee. **, because it sure looked like a delicious cup of coffee. And I don’t even drink coffee, but Big Kev makes it work.

– Ric Flair joins us for an interview, but Roddy Piper quickly interrupts for no good reason. Flair goes off into a long and rambling promo about partying and how he ran the Nasty Boys out of the territory and I think the end result is that they agree to be friends. They lost me about 5 minutes into it. Were they even fighting? Didn’t they team up at Uncensored just a few weeks before this?

WCW TV title: Prince Iaukea v. La Parka. Parka throws chops in the corner and they totally blow a moonsault press spot, as Iaukea’s timing is way off and he gets kneed in the head as a result. Parka keeps going and hits a senton from the top for two, and a moonsault gets two. Parka misses a charge and hits the post, and the Prince dumps him and follows with a dive off the apron. They brawl on the floor, and Parka gets his trusty chair and puts the Prince in it. Great spot follows as he hits him with a tope suicida to knock him back out of the chair, which Tony again calls a flying body attack. Back in, Parka keeps shrugging off the Prince’s offense, but Prince superkicks him and then misses a high cross. Parka beats on him in the corner and they head out again, and Parka baseball slides the chair at him. Parka follows with a Sabu chair dive and the bell rings, and now even the ref is confused. But the match continues as they head back in and Prince finishes with a cross-body at 4:32. Totally weird, as Parka was determined to do the match he wanted and it looked like he kept having to no-sell the Prince’s shitty offense to walk him through it. *

Lord Stephen Regal v. Chris Jericho. Regal informs us that Prince Iaukea will be sucking his food through a straw, sunshine, once the PPV is done with. Jericho grabs a headlock to start and Regal casually wrestles him to the mat to counter, but Jericho puts him on the floor with a leg lariat. Springboard dropkick follows as the crowd loses interest because of a fight on the floor. Back in, suplex into a Lionsault gets two. Regal blocks a superplex and throws forearms, but Jericho comes back with a superkick into a rollup for the pin at 2:28? That’s a pretty big upset for the time period. *1/2 Regal messes him up but good afterwards and stretches him until Renegade and Joe Gomez make the save. More accurately, Renegade watches while Gomez tries to save, but gets nowhere. Kidman tries to save and gets destroyed, as does a very young Lenny Lane, long before the days when he became Jericho’s protégé or worked birthday parties.

WCW Women’s title: Akira Hokuto v. Debbie Combs. Hokuto attacks from behind to start and does the hairtosses on Combs, then chokes away on the ropes. Lots of that follows. Combs comes back with a weak gutwrench suplex and a cross body for two. Hokuto boots her down and finishes with a german suplex at 2:25. Tony calls it a tiger suplex before Tenay corrects him. Pretty pedestrian stuff. *

– Madusa comments after the match, yelling “Roanoke rocks!” like she’s drunk in a karaoke bar or something, and Hokuto attacks for the pullapart brawl.

Jeff Jarrett & Steve McMichael v. The Amazing French Canadians. Tony tells Bobby that the state song is “Carry Me Back to Old Virginny” and Bobby’s reaction is hilarious. I take my entertainment where I can get it. Jarrett evades the Quebecers and they head out to regroup while the Horsemen celebrate. Back in, Jacques slams Pierre on Jarrett, but Jarrett gets a dropkick and brings Mongo in. Then Public Enemy runs down and they go after Jarrett while Mongo fights off the forces of Canada alone, but gets hit with his own briefcase and pinned at 2:57. Total crap. DUD

– Jarrett and Mongo squabble again after the match.

Diamond Dallas Page v. Lance Ringo. Sounds like a gay porn name. Page attacks and elbows away in the corner, then drops him with a backdrop suplex. Ringo tries to escape to the apron and springboards in with a dropkick, but stops to mock DDP, and Page finishes him with a fireman’s carry into the Diamond Cutter at 1:56. Pretty much an F5, actually. I don’t know who “Lance Ringo” is or why they gave him so much screen time. 1/2*

– Randy and Liz question whether DDP has any “family jewels” to go with his Diamond moniker. Nice one.

The Steiner Brothers v. High Voltage. Apparently, this is our feature bout. That’s pretty sad. Phil Astin could probably finance a new house off these guys. Scott hammers Kaos to start and Rick adds a Steinerline into a release german suplex. Rage gets a cheapshot from behind, however, and Rick hits the post as a result, injuring that bad ear again. Back in, High Voltage shows off their mad double-team skillz and Kaos gets a neckbreaker for two. Rage tries a springboard senton and misses by six feet in a laughable spot, and it’s hot tag Scott. Gorilla press for Rage and the STEINER SCREWDRIVER finishes at 3:32. Holy crap, I didn’t know he did that one on Nitro! Total squash, of course.

– Nash and Syxx chase off the announcers and take over the booth and complain about the other team members abandoning them for Dennis Rodman’s movie premiere. Is the nWo breaking up again? TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT! Or don’t, whatever.