ECW on Sci-Fi #56 07/10/2007

Another new intro, this time set to Marilyn Manson’s This Is The New Shit. Weird choice of song, not only was it four years old by this point and heavily censored (ARE YOU MOTHERblubblubs READY FOR THE NEW blubHIT?) but the themes of the song & album were about how everything had been done before and nothing was new (including Manson, who turned to shite after this) which is sending mixed messages for the brand with old ECW guys and the dudes Smackdown didn’t want. Manson’s a good metaphor for ECW, great in 1997 but damaged goods after 2001.

Onto ECW and we’re live in New Orleans and Matt Striker is interviewing The Boogeyman. Fuck it, back to Manson. Worst gig I’ve ever seen was him at Download Festival 2009. He was so tired and coked off his tits he made Jeff Hardy at Victory Road 2011 look like 1984 Ric Flair. He couldn’t finish a single line of his own songs and Matt Striker explained worms have male and female sex organs. He offers to a jar to Boogey but he eats them. Striker’s had enough of the attacks and worms and we get the debut of Big Daddy V, which is Viscera with titties. He slams Boogeyman onto the teacher’s desk and through the blackboard.

I love him already.

Elijah Burke vs. Balls Mahoney

Joey Styles: ”There is only one Balls Mahoney, thank God.” This feels like a match we would have had a year ago. BALLS BALLS BALLS punches is ducked and Burke decks him because he’s an ex-boxer and all that. Burke wipes his hands with a towel and while the ref throws it out the ring, Burke chokes Balls. Outer Limitz Elbow gets two. BALLS BALLS BALLS lands right on the chin but Balls misses the Teabag Legdrop so Burke plants him with the Elijah Express double-knees in the corner for the win.

Winner: Elijah Burke (Burke is being kept on simmer as the upper-guy who’s not going to win the title but doesn’t lose much either.)

CM Punk vs. Stevie Richards

Yes, the weird joke where Stevie is announced as Stevie but his name-graphic says Steven is still going. These guys have good chemistry together because Punk is a Stevie fan-boy. Punk gets a close near-fall after a big-arse step-up enziguri. Then Stevie pounds away with his own kicks and gets his own near-fall. Richards sticks on him like pain treacle and gets a two-count after nicking Big Show’s Final Cut. Punk makes a comeback after a back body drop and locks in a Single Crab, Stevie tries to counter so Punk slingshots him into the turnbuckle. Punk nails him with two running knees to set up the bulldog but it only gets two. Butterfly Suplex into a backbreaker gets another two and the crowd is into this. Punk walks into a Downward Spiral into a sideways clutch but Punk is able to get to the ropes. Richards tries for a Tornado DDT but Punk spins him and turns it into the GTS for the win.

Winner: CM Punk (Tremendous little hard-hitting match where yet again Punk made his opponent look strong before he was able to beat him. Punk vs. Tom Magee is my dream match.)

Backstage, Miz finally bothers to debut and meets Extreme Expose. They’re awe-struck over him because he was in The Real World.

The Miz vs. Nunzio

This is faux-hawk, shorts-wearing Miz. He executes a headlock while running the ropes and gives Nunzio a big back body drop. His style is so weird at this point, very trainee cruiserweight. Nunzio takes over with long chinlocks and Miz makes his comeback to the delight of no-one. Is he supposed to be a good guy? Second rope crossbody and Rocker Dropper get two with Miz finally finishing with the Mizard of Oz reverse DDT.

Winner: The Miz (Commentators talked about how impressive Miz looked here. Compared to how he was in 2004, yes. To every other wrestler on the roster, no. And they showed three women fawning over him and wanted him to be cheered?)

Extreme Expose jiggle to Beyonce and we get a recap of Big Daddy V’s debut so our main event is going to have less than ten minutes.

Johnny Nitro vs. Tommy Dreamer (ECW Title, EXTREEEME RULES)

Dreamer brings plunder with him and spreads it around the place while Nitro makes his (not slow-mo) intro. Dreamer attacks and the battle between bulking and cutting starts with Nitro removing the weapons from the ring. Dreamer biels him across the ring and beats Nitro with a crutch.

Nitro overcomes the disability and throws Dreamer into the ring-post then destroys the crutch over Dreamer’s arm. Dreamer yells (”Ahhhhh”) which powers him up and he dumps Nitro with a Sack of Shit (the move, not the weapon). Nitro twats him with a Stop Sign and sticks a chair over his head and bounces it off the ring post. Nitro busts a mega-flip off the guard-rail onto Dreamer for a two-count. Back in the ring, Dreamer crotches Nitro and bashes signs over his head. Nitro takes a nutty bump.

Dreamer misses a second rope elbow so Nitro gets cocky and tries another flip. Dreamer bops him and sets up wrestling’s Least Agile Tree of Woe with Nitro in a bin. Crowd is loving all of the moves and Nitro’s sexy Hennig impression. Dreamer tries the Sack of Shit onto a set-up chair but Nitro drop-toe holds him into it instead and finishes with his foot on the bottom rope.

Winner and still ECW Champion: Johnny Nitro (Fun hardcore match as Nitro was more than happy to bounce around like a tennis ball and take Dreamer’s trash-related offence.)

Overall: A good debut, Boogeyman getting beat up, Richards vs. Punk and Dreamer vs. Nitro = Sweet show by the standards of 2007 ECW.

That’s your lot, here’s Botchamania 343.