The SmarK Rant for WWF Monday Night RAW–03.01.93

(We’re getting a bit behind on these, so here’s another one before we hit tomorrow’s Observer Flashback.) 

The SmarK Legacy Rant for Monday Night RAW – March 1 1993

– Yeah, I know I should get back to reviewing Wrestling Challenge again or whatever, but this show is like crack, I can see why CRZ used to love recapping it so much.

– Live from New York.

– Your hosts are Vince, Macho and Elvis. Wow, Bartlett as an Elvis impersonator. BA-ZING, now there’s cutting edge comedy.

WWF World title: Bret Hart v. Fatu

Apparently I already reviewed this on a Bret Hart thing from WWE 24/7, but memories of that glorious channel are already fading fast, so we’ll do it again. Fatu gets a slam to start, but misses an elbow, and Bret goes to work on the arm. It was something of a giant missed opportunity that they didn’t play up the relationship between Yokozuna and the Headshrinkers and turn them into his goon squad. Bret “messes up” on a criss-cross and injures his knee, but of course he’s just faking it and he gets a small package for two. Back to the arm and Fatu tries to slam out of it, but Bret holds on. Fatu has finally had enough and superkicks him, ending his career. No, wait, sorry. Man, Bret must really hate that move now, given that he lost a World title and his career to it. Clothesline gets two. Fatu goes to the nerve pinch and then elbows Bret down for two, but now Samu joins us. Bret gets two, but Fatu kicks him out of the ring and Samu adds a slam on the floor. We take a break and return with Fatu hammering away in the corner as Vince declares that he’s moments away from winning the title. C’mon, Fatu as a serious World title contender? That’s about as likely as him becoming a dancing sumo wrestler! Headbutt gets two. Piledriver gets two. Fistdrop off the middle rope gets two. Fatu goes up and Bret brings him down with a superplex for two to set up the Sharpshooter, but the Headshrinkers switch off and Samu gets two. They switch again and Fatu gets a sleeper, but Bret runs them into each other and finishes with the Sharpshooter at 12:53. Good work from both guys, albeit utterly forgettable. **1/2

Wrestlemania IX REPORT! With Mean Gene! Hogan & Beefcake v. Money Inc! Undertaker Giant Gonzalez! Tatanka v. Shawn Michaels! Mr Perfect v. Lex Luger! Bret Hart v. Yokozuna! C’mon, this show can’t possibly be the worst Wrestlemania of all-time, can it? Randy Savage makes Joey Buttafucco references so we know it’s early 90s.

Meanwhile, on the beaches of Hawaii, Crush smashes a coconut to demonstrate his feelings towards Doink. His lame Hawaiian act makes me wonder — would a laid-back surfer character ala Jack Johnson work as a gimmick? Like if someone could pull off the smarm of Matthew McConaughey?

Doink the Clown v. Koko B. Ware

Seriously, the color schemes of this time period are going to fry my monitor. Doink attacks to start and gets an STF, then goes to work on the leg and applies the STUMP PULLER~! to finish at 1:49. *

And now your weekly buzzkill segment, as Money Inc. come out to continue this horrible feud with Hogan & Beefcake. Basically, IRS is going to hit Hogan with the briefcase just like he did with Beefcake. Wow, what a threat. They’re putting the titles on the line at Wrestlemania, which is somewhat tempered by the fact that they already announced it earlier in the show.

The Narcissist Lex Luger v. PJ Walker

Vince shills a new show called “The Matrix” and I’m like ZUH? Totally different of course, but still, neat. Luger tosses Walker around and adds a suplex in between poses. Kneelift and Luger runs him into the corner and pounds away while Bobby Heenan joins us on the phone and we get an incredibly bizarre conversation between him and “Elvis”. Luger finishes with the STAINLESS STEEL FOREARM OF DOOM at 3:10. Wow, that jobber was just incredible.

Oh, what, you can suddenly do better now? Philistines.

The Steiner Brothers v. Duane Gill & Barry Hardy

Lords of Pain 4 Life, baby. Scott works on the arm of Hardy and Rick tosses him. Back in, Rick runs him into the corner, and it’s over to Gill. Rick backdrops him into the lights and hits a backbreaker, then Scott abuses him into a pumphandle slam. Dropkick sends Gill back to his own corner. Sadly, he doesn’t tag out, and Scott hits him with the butterfly bomb and finishes with the Frankensteiner at 4:03. They sure love tossing jobbers around.

Next week: Money Inc v. Virgil & Tito Santana! Mr Perfect v. Rick Martel! That sounds damn good, actually, although we never did see the end of the Undertaker-Skinner match from last week.