ECW on Sci-Fi #51 06/05/2007

One Night Stand 2007 was last Sunday so in relevant news:

Rob Van Dam surprisingly beat Randy Orton in a stretcher match which would end up being RVD’s last match for WWE for several years. RVD sold a concussion as if he was drunk for most of the match so he could keep up with Orton’s pace. After dangerously flubbing a dive outside, RVD punched Orton a few times and rolled him across the finishing line.

Orton would get his revenge by DDTing RVD off the guard-rail and Van Dam was escorted out of the arena and into the indie circuit. RVD had a hell of a run in 2006 thanks to the return of the ECW brand, but the DUI ended any chance of him returning to that stage. Which was awkward as he was more over than anybody before the Lashley mega-push began, so at least the decision to leave made sense for him.

Sandman, Tommy Dreamer & CM Punk defeated Elijah Burke, Marcus Cor Von & Matt Striker in a quota-filling Tables match. Cor Von looked the most impressive. Punk superplexed Matt Striker through a laid-out Burke for the win, match was a decent ECW on Sci-Fi main event.

Lashley finally pinned Vince for the ECW Title. After pulling an RVD and missing Umaga on a dive, Lashley got worked over by Shane MMAchmahon. After taking all his cool-looking got-a-month-to-recover moves, Shane somehow accidentally struck Umaga with the Van Terminator and Lashley speared Vince.

Overall, ONS was a decent show that was better than Judgement Day but not as good as Backlash. I have a soft spot for it as it was one of the shows I watched when getting back into wrestling and it’s the show where Michael Cole said Mark Henry had ”limb-like arms.” Oh and also I didn’t realise until someone pointed out that the poster is supposed to be Lashley and Cor Von’s merged faces, like the Invasion poster.

I dunno, maybe it’s me but I think that effect works better when you get two different looking faces to merge. Good for Cor Von to make it onto the front cover of a poster/DVD.

We’re in Orlando, Florida and Vince is watching emotionless from a rocking chair. According to Joey, he’s been a bit odd since losing the title so we’ll probably get a music video package explaining what happened. (edit: er, nope.)

Bobby Lashley vs. Tommy Dreamer, The Sandman and Balls Mahoney

Hardcore handicap match, we’re told this match was announced on so possibly Vince put them up to this. Lashley gets twatted relentlessly and his strategy of ”charge all of them at once” doesn’t help. Dreamer tries to suplex Lashley to the outside but Lashley suplexes him inside and takes out Balls with a clothesline. The Sandman then botches spectacularly and oh boy GIF time:

Sandman and Dreamer double suplex Lashley on the floor but HE’S TOO BLACK BIG and he sends Dreamer into the ring steps. In the ring, Sandman lands his top-rope leg-drop on stretched-across-the-ropes Lashley for two. Sandman did not look athletic, graceful or like a wrestler doing that move (or any other time). Dreamer uses a chair to Tree of Woe Lashley in the corner and a table is brought in. Balls misses his target and plants Dreamer with a chair and misses a top-rope leg-drop. Sandman gets speared through the table in the corner (which had to look good, Sandman took that move a thousand times against Rhino) and spears Balls for the win.

Winner: Bobby Lashley (You could have scored this match with the Bulk & Skull theme from Power Rangers. A big, dumb mess made all the bigger and dumber by Sandman.)

Lashley poses in front of Vince, who doesn’t react.

Kevin Thorn vs. Steven Richards

STILL called Stevie despite having the Steven graphic. He takes it to Thorn but a dive outside is turned into a Stungun on the guard-rail. Tazz struggles to think of positive things to say about Big Kev. ”He’s got focus!” He takes over and the interest grinds to a halt as Thorn slowly pounds away. Stevie gets a drop toe hold into the ropes for a two-count and Original Sin gets countered so you think it may be an upset, but Thorn crotches Stevie and finishes him with Original Sin.

Winner: Kevin Thorn (“Listen to them, the people in the crowd. What silence they make!” – Bram Stoker)

We’re told RVD is out indefinitely thanks to Orton. Taz and Styles wish him the best. But hey don’t worry folks, The New Breed are here!

Elijah Burke & Marcus Cor Von vs. Major Brothers

Major Bros. now have proper music and entrances. Cor Von pounds away on Brian until they realise they need to use their tag-moves to stop him. Cor Von tags out and Burke gets worked over with double-leapfrogs and hip-tosses. They’re bringing all the blowjob tag team double-teams! Burke grabs Brian’s foot as he’s doing a leapfrog and he slams down. I wish I knew the name of that, hopefully you get the picture. Cor Von in as the crowd chants BORING which is a shame. Cor Von beats up the twin twinks so Burke can nail the Outer Limitz elbow for two. Brett gets beat up for a while which the crowd is not interested in. They’re not impressed with the extended bear hugs and stretches either. Brett takes a knee from Burke which inadvertently sends him to the tag-corner so Brian comes in like a house of fire. Or a house of ice given the lack of heat in this match. Cor Von has enough and gives one of them THE POUNCE for the win.

Winners: Elijah Burke & Marcus Cor Von (I thought Major Bros. looked good but the crowd didn’t care about them so they didn’t care about the heat section. The match went way-too-long and the ”boring” and ”this match sucks” chants were hard to ignore.)

CM Punk vs. Matt Striker

The only mention of this match was before it happened. The draft is next week which is why Striker is head-lining a show with less than eight minutes left. Oh and he’s got a mic, which should help this EVOLVE crowd get behind something. Punk kicks him to buggery for a few minutes until he misses a high-kick and Striker back suplexes him. Striker is wearing Luger’s 1993 tights for some reason.

Striker tries for a Single Crab but Punk moves it into a Small Package for two and crowd are bored. Striker puts Punk in the Boston Crab, releases it and gives him a splash across the back. That move made sense in a way, but didn’t look good. Single Crab locked in and most of the fans that are visible via hard-cam are waving at the camera and looking at themselves on the Titantron. Striker wakes them up with an elevated spinning neckbreaker off the top rope. That’s practically Thorn’s finisher, weird he’d bust it out. Another Single Crab and after a Boston Crab gets countered, Punk tries a roll up and goes back to the kicks. Crowd are booing Punk. Striker tries over-selling and there’s nothing. Running knee/Bulldog combo gets two. Punk shouts for the GTS and there’s silence. Holy shit this match. Punk manages to nail the GTS despite the back pain and the crowd pop because the show is over and they can leave.

Winner: CM Punk (Not even Punk could save this. Striker tried being a dick but the crowd gave him nothing but apathy.)

Overall: This was a show clearly written as an afterthought filling the gap between the three PPV sequence we’ve just finished and the draft next week. As a result, the only reason to watch is the messy Lashley match and that’s only if you’re looking for a cheap laugh. The next PPV is Vengeance so if you know your history you’ll know next week onwards gets interesting for the wrong reasons.

Apart from that, the new Botchamania will be up later so I’ve got nothing to plug yet. But I’ll post that on this site anyway because Sunday is Maffew Day apparently.