It’s the ECW on Sci-Fi before Wrestlemania! On Raw, Vince McMahon pinned the ECW Champion Lashley after interference from half the locker room so the two of them are having an EXTREEEME debate tonight.
Notice the happy, smiling Lashley in the ECW graphic, WWE’s way of telling us we need to cheer him. Worked for Diesel, Luger…
Rob Van Dam vs. Elijah Burke
These men face each other at Wrestlemania as part of the ECW Originals vs. The New Breed tag match. They’re the captains of their squads, almost by default as Burke’s the only guy in his team that looks and sounds like a pro. Burke stops a RVD pin sequence by slamming down on him, which I haven’t seen before.
Burke takes over as Tazz defends The New Breed and saying they’re bringing the best out of The ECW Originals. RVD counters a sprint with a forward kick (like in No Mercy 64) and sends Burke down with a big back body drop. RVD does the finger-point taunts and Burke attacks him mid ”D”. Which every wrestler should do! RVD sees him coming and dunks him on the top rope so he can plant him with a Van Daminator (without chair) and Burke splats outside. RVD follows with a tope because WRESTLEMANIA SEASON, DUDE and that takes us to break.
Back from adverts, Burke has RVD in a headlock but after being told they’re back on TV, RVD powers out and tries for Rolling Thunder but lands on knees. Burke nails a vertical suplex, holds on and turns it into a back-drop. Crowd starts booing as they think he’s doing an Eddie tribute then go ”oh” as he turns it into a King-From-Tekken sequence. Elijah locks in a Texas Cloverleaf and stretches him Walls of Jericho-style. Commentators point out that won’t do much as RVD spends thirty minutes prior to his matches stretching. They’ll be telling us those Abdominal Stretches on John Morrison were ineffective next. Burke stretches RVD some more with a weak-looking chinlock which RVD has to sell like Bela Lugosi fighting the octopus. RVD counters an Irish Whip but Burke holds the ropes and kicks RVD as he runs towards him. He goes to the top rope but RVD splatters Burke coming down with a spinning kick. Crowd react like Burke was shot. He kicks out at two though. RVD ends up in the corner but he dodges the Elijah Express, goes up top and lands the Five Star Frog Splash While Changing Position In Mid-Air for the win.
Winner: Rob Van Dam (A few weeks ago I was wondering why RVD wasn’t headlining when he’s clearly one of the most popular guys on the show, but it makes sense now why he’s wrestling The New Breed: He makes everybody look great. Burke had an answer for everything RVD threw at him, dominated most of the match and Burke lost because he missed his move and RVD capitalised on it. Burke looked as good in the ring as he did on the mic. Let’s see if he can do it without super-wrestlers.)
Post-match all the multi-man participants run in for the West Side Story brawl and staring.
Battle Of The Billionaires promo.
Time for Extreme Expose, so we’re getting the filler out of the way early. Women strut their jugs to the”Wait till you see my dick” song by The Ying Yang Twins. Sadly there’s no ”Women’s Wrestling” chants afterwards.
Tonight it’s an eight-man tag match with all the Money In The Bank participants. We go to one locker room where The Hardys, CM Punk and Edge are chilling. Everyone gives Edge the glare because he’s Edge. He assures them he doesn’t want to team up with them either but ”You don’t have to like me to listen to me.”
Balls Mahoney vs. Snitsky
Balls made his entrance during the locker room bit and you could hear the crowd shout ”Balls!” over Edge talking. Snitsky knocks Balls out of the ring to start and rams him into the steel ringpost. Snitsky sets him up on the apron and punts his head like a baby. Snitsky snaps him under the bottom rope and finishes with the big boot.
Winner: ”The dangerous and violent individual known as Snitsky” (Squash with more moves than usual. The big boot is a crap finisher as he doesn’t run like Chono, he just sticks it up in the air like Bennett in Commando.)
Dramatic video package of Lashley vs. The World from Raw.
Orton and Kennedy chill out backstage during happier non-dropping on neck times. Finlay and King Booker show up and blahblahblah no-one can trust anyone.
The debate between Vince and Lashley is now, but it’s done via split-screen rather than in the ring. Vince is happy to not be there in Grand Rapids, MI tonight. McMahon brags about beating Lashley with ease. ”Be happy I didn’t take my sweatshirt off last night as I’d have shown you what a real man looks like!” It’s a top-tier Vince promo as he genuinely believes he beat Lashley all by himself and he can’t wait until Lashley lets down Trump and Umaga shoves his thumb down his throat. ”You’re lucky I’m not there tonight or I’d have no choice but to beat you up!” Lashley eventually gets to talk, swearing a lot for cheers. ”Listen you old bastard you’re going to leave Wrestlemania a bald-headed son-of-a-bitch.” And…oh, that’s it.
Well the Roman Reigns comparisons are clear here as Vince is TOO good on the mic to be talking that long to a guy who isn’t that good on the mic who is supposed to be a goodie. Crowd cheered after Vince’s soliloquy and boos could be heard after Lashley’s effing and blinding. How can you boo Delusional Ham Vince?
Shitting In Gym Bags After Taking The Pills Out (Ken Kennedy, Randy Orton, Finlay and King Booker) vs. Lita’s Eskimo Brothers (Matt Hardy, Jeff Hardy, Edge and CM Punk)
YOUR house show main event. After everyone makes their entrance (with The Hardys and Punk getting the most cheers) there’s ten minutes left. Oh and we cut to adverts immediately.
Soon as we come back, Matt gets a near-fall off a Side Effect on Kennedy. Jeff tags in so they double-team Kennedy for crowd-squeals. Orton tags in and stomps away at Jeff but stops to talk shit to Edge. Jeff ducks a blow and plants Randy with the Whisper in The Wind for a two-count. Matt and Jeff land the AHHHHHHHHHH Leg-drop combo for two and Punk tags in. He decks Orton with an Axe-Handle and suplex but Orton’s like ”know your place mate” and holds him so Finlay can tag in. Fit wrecks Punk with a big-arse clothesline and an Earthquake Splash. King Booker tags in to stomp away on Punk and shout ”ahhh!” a lot. Finlay back in and chinlocks Punk as I realise everyone here won the WWE, World, ECW or TNA Heavyweight Title except for Fit. Orton tags in and takes down Punk with a rough clothesline. King Booker back in, who holds Punk in a Standing Guillotine. That’s a great arrogant move to bust out. I’m not even going to go to my knees for you. Punk finally makes a comeback and gives Booker the Flying Knee/Bulldog Combo and Punk tags in Edge. He goes for the spear after some hesitation and…
What’s the parable about the Scorpion and the Frog? Matt deserves to get screwed for trusting Edge again, to be honest. The other guys all jump in for a brawl as the crowd chants ”Edge is Gay”. In the brawl, Finlay bashes Punk with the Shillelagh and Booker pins him after the Scissors Kick.
Winners: The team on the right (Decent time-killing match. Funny seeing Punk against some of the guys he’d feud with years later.)
Post-match everyone in the winning team realises the match is over and they’re not friends anymore and start fighting. The Hardys get back in with a ladder and clear house. God knows why they were in MITB when they’re a tag team. Finlay’s busted open in the eye and both Hardys climb a ladder in the middle of the ring and grab a briefcase to remind the audience what’s supposed to happen in MITB. “No one ever went broke underestimating the intelligence of the American public” and all that.
Overall: Wrestlemania’s this weekend and the brand has done a great job of hyping Lashley vs. Umaga (with all the trimmings), decent job of hyping New Breed vs. ECW Originals and a ”hey he ain’t winning but he’ll get to do a load of cool moves off ladders” job for Punk.
Next week will be the post-Wrestlemania episode, until then there’s that site I have and occasionally post on that my web-guy has told me off for not plugging at the bottom of these reviews so here it is www.botchamania.com
Oh and thanks to the two guys I saw at MAGFest who said they enjoyed the reviews! Didn’t think I’d get in-person reviews of my reviews.