Recap of Lashley winning the title and beating Show in the rematch so our main event is Lashley vs. Paul Heyman’s Personal Enforcers. Neither man has a name or a face which is weird, along with the fact Heyman’s not on the show anymore. I’ll save you a Google Search, the guards were played by The Bashams, so no wonder they were covering their faces.
Rob Van Dam vs. Test
They show a clip of RVD getting eliminated thanks to Test’s big-arse elbow at December To Dismember, so there’s that. The commentators discuss both men’s athleticism as RVD gives Test a standing moonsault and Test uses a back elbow. RVD dives over the top rope as he’s still motivated by the lack of main eventers and sees dollar signs. Test takes over with a thumb to the eye and an athletic armlock. RVD goes to the top rope and Test pushes him off so RVD dies outside so he can show off his range. Test goes to the top which Joey Styles describes as ”this is very unlike Test” after they showed a clip of his top-rope elbow to start this match. Tazz rinses him out and Styles wishes it was 1996 again. Anyway it’s a flying nothing and Test gets a kick to the face. RVD follows with a shed-load of kicks for two. Bischoff would have called them all the proper names like ”Front Back Kick” or ”Larry”. RVD lands a non-chair Van Daminator but follows with Rolling Thunder so it only gets two as no-one gets pinned from that move. Van Dam misses the Five Star so he tries for a Sunset Flip but Test sits down and holds the ropes for the pin.
Winner: Test (I wonder how motivated RVD will be once he realises Test is going to be the guy wrestling Lashley. Match was all Rob Van Dam doing stuff and Test following, like a poor man’s Bret Hart vs. Davey Boy Smith complete with the same finish.)
Armageddon is this Sunday and they’ve stuffed this poor show with more gimmicks than Test’s arse. MVP vs. Kane INFERNO MATCH Kennedy vs. Undertaker LAST RIDE MATCH Batista and Cena teaming up FIRST TIME EVER MATCH and they’d add the ladder match on the show too!
Matt Striker is here to insult the college crowd for getting high on the pot and playing wiffleball. Ted Kennedy’s a drunk, John Kerry dropped his ball and Bill Buckner couldn’t even pick up his ball. Hopefully some Americans reading that will understand what it meant. Striker calls out Balls Mahoney but he sucks up to him because he doesn’t want to fight. That lasts until Striker calls him fat, which starts the Balls punches and Striker does the thing they never do in anime and cuts off his charge:
”What’s the matter, feeling a little blue…Balls?” – Striker. I’m sure his original line was ”Ah now you feel like Hilary Clinton’s supporters after Sunday thanks to Donald Trump’s position on-” or whatever the fuck it was he was saying at Triplemania this year, but they made him change it.
Elijah Burke bigs up the Knock Out Tap Out Connection, which is a nice name but I think Terkay’s gone in two weeks so don’t get attached.
CM Punk vs. Hardcore Holly
Punk is cheered loudly as usual. Deep arm-drags and elbows from Punk until Holly Stun-Guns Punk over the top rope and takes his time pounding on Punk. The cameramen deserve credit for not showing the maniacal grin Holly probably has right now, beating up a newbie. If the match ends with Holly driving his NASCAR over Punk, Holly would die of happiness. Punk relents because he’s not green, dammit and makes his comeback. Kneelift/Bulldog in the corner gets two but Holly comes back with Angry Veteran Chops and hammers away in the corner ignoring the ref and gets DQ’d as a result.
Winner via DQ: CM Punk (This was better on paper as the crowd made no noise for the finish other than groans. Match was nothing, with Holly’s rep with the crowd all but gone after the RVD series.)
Holly carries on beating up Punk but misses a charge so Punk locks in the Vice and makes Holly tap.
Clips of Tommy Dreamer getting dunked by Khali are shown as Dreamer waddles out to challenge Khali one-on-one. This sadly brings out Daivari who accepts Dreamer’s challenge as last week was a fluke.
Tommy Dreamer vs. Daivari
Daivari smashes the mic into Dreamer’s head before the match starts because he’s a sneaky, evil, no-good foreigner. Daivari tries a crossbody off the top but gets caught and Reverse DDT’d instead. Dreamer runs the ropes and gets hit by Khali but as Daivari tries something, Dreamer DDTs him for the win again.
Winner: Dreamer (Daivari is officially lower than Mike Knox, Arial and The Deficit)
Post-match Khali slam-dunks Dreamer on the outside. I feel sorry for Dreamer taking these vicious bumps to hype up a potential Dreamer vs. Khali match that people are looking forward to as much as Paul Blart III)
Recap of Mike Knox dumping Kelly Kelly, complete with angry Tazz. WHAT A ROTTEN S.O.B. HE IS, DERR I SED IT, I DUN’T CURR.
Lashley vs. Hired Goons
Lashley destroys Hack and Slash with delayed suplexes and gorilla press slams. Bulk and Skull distract the ref so they can work over Lashley’s mid-section. Scratch and Grounder continue to tag in and work over Lashley with basic moves until Pain misses a charge in the corner and Panic gets clotheslined. Lashley tosses Wint into Kidd, spears Klink and gives Schultz a Dominator for the pin.
Winner: Lashley (I’m all for variety on wrestling shows so I enjoyed this squash and Lashley looked cool so it served it’s purpose.)
Overall: No backstage drama, no matches worth watching and only one thing worth GIFing. Very skippable episode.
Highlight: Reading about Hardcore Holly nearly becoming Spaceman Holly which is thousand times more interesting than this episode and this recap, which is why I posted it last:
Also to meet the GIF limit here’s something from FMW in honour of Armageddon 2006 next week.