Tonight it’s EXTREEEME TITTIES as we get ready for ECW Strip Poker. WWE did a better job of hyping this segment than anything else on the show, they may as well have had Lex Luger drive his Express around the country shouting ”Get ready for tits!” out the window. Because posting screenshots of women in their bikinis gets Scott into trouble with the site hosts, here’s the presenter instead:
”I promise you one of these Divas WILL get naked” Balls Mahoney tells us, right before auditioning for the role of Fagin in a Philly Production of Oliver Twist.
The line-up is Trinity, Kelly Kelly, Maria, Candice Michelle, Ashley & Krystal and they all give their best ”Yeah I’m thrilled with showing off my body in a card game, teehee” speech with only a few of them sounding like walking lobotomies. After one round, Ashley has the lowest card and removes her shirt. This is going to be hard to make sound interesting but it could be worse it could be:
CM Punk vs. René Duprée
Oh shit, some wrestling. Joey Styles: ”You could make the argument that based on the success rate of the French in battles (throwing in the white flag and everything) that no French wrestler belongs to be in ECW.” Wow, you surrender to Germany once and Americans never let you forget. Oh and Prussia. And Algeria. And Indochina. Ah forget it, I don’t know why I’m trying to defend Duprée either. A fan holds up CM Punk’s current UFC record:
We get a brief jostle before going to split-screen so we can see more Poker. It’s a pan-and-scan split-screen so it kills the action for the wrestling and you can barely see what they’re doing. More basic stuff like back-drops and elbows happen until Trinity takes her top off. Punk makes his comeback with a leg lariat. This sets up the knee/bulldog combo and Punk tries to mix it up with a springboard elbow but Dupree ducks it. Punk locks in the Anaconda Vice instead for the tap-out.
Winner: CM Punk (Even without tit-cuts, Duprée’s in-ring work was rougher than a badger’s arse at this point and I wonder if him losing his winning streak to straight edge Punk was an attempt at sending him a message.)
More tits & poker. It’s not quite JoJo vs. D’arby.
Kevin Thorn vs. Tommy Dreamer
Thorn’s also undefeated in ECW but unlike Punk, no-one cares. Thorn stretches Dreamer for a bit until Dreamer makes a comeback and does his trademark ”pose like Christ, yell, turn my back on my opponent and get attacked” wombo-combo. Dreamer misses a second-rope elbow and Thorn plants him with the Sky High for two. Dreamer snaps Thorn’s head on the back of the ropes and DDTs Thorn for…the win? Huh.
Winner: Tommy Dreamer (Nothing match but I was happy with the finish. Shame we didn’t get Thorn trying to suck Dreamer’s blood but because he’s fat it’s like Ragù so he has to spit it out and then Dreamer schoolboys him for the win. I’m so fucking bored of this show.)
Balls drops something but he can’t reach down to grab it as he has an erection which disgusts the women. ”It has a mind of it’s own.”
There’s actually a VIEWER DISCRETION warning in between adverts. Run, a vaguely PG-13 sex scene is heading your way!
Dramatic music video recapping of Hardcore Holly vs. Rob Van Dam. Holly kind-of turned good guy last week after being a dick to Heyman but whether or not that lasts remains to be seen. I mean it’s Holly.
More tit-poker. Actual dialogue:
”You’re on Raw, how hot is John Cena?”
”Of course he’s hot, he’s a movie star! He’s got a movie coming out this weekend called The Marine.”
”I can’t wait for him to give me some marching orders!”
You know WWE’s desperate when their army of half-naked women are multi-tasking selling ECW on Sci Fi and The Marine. I’m surprised they didn’t have Ashley or someone go ”oh man I love buying WWE stock” too.
A look at The Marine’s premiere, which took place at a Military Base so they can really suck up. Ric Flair even says ”Thanks for supporting our troops” like watching this film will help America kill terrorism. Yeah, maybe if they dropped a bunch of the DVDs on them.
Test, The Big Show & Matt Striker vs. Rob Van Dam, Sabu & The Sandman
This is our main event. Test is sort of feuding with Van Dam, Sandman is sort of feuding with Striker, Show and Sabu have nothing else better to do. Test dominates to start as Joey goes on about he’s not the old WWE Test. This new Test would shag the old Test. Van Dam tags out to Sandman who also gets beat up, but Striker demands a tag so he can get Sandman when he’s down. Sandman gets up and Striker tags out to Show. He’s still bald-ish and we cut to po titker so we miss some of the match. Show clubs Sabu ”like a baby seal” and Test tags in. Sabu tries a springboard but runs into a wall of Test as we go to break. Test side-slams Sabu and Striker and his tiny, tiny tights squeeze into the ring. Striker sends Sabu out of the ring via Nick Gage facewash and Test slams Sabu into the ring post with one arm. He tosses him back in so Striker can dominate with teacher-based offence. Show in now to throw ”catcher’s mitt” strikes at Sabu and I think I’ve watched enough Sabu vs. Show for one life-time. Show tries for a chokeslam but Sabu counters it like every match they’ve had this year. Test tags in and he’s so big and pink he looks ready to explode like the guy from Big Trouble In Little China. After he gives Sabu a big, pink bearhug Striker tags in and continues the lesson-based offence. He tries a cocky second rope axe-handle but Sabu recovers with a back hook kick and finally there’s something worth GIFing.
Sabu tags in Rob Van Dam who comes in like a car on fire with smoke coming out the windows and getting the attention of the police. Striker gets kicked until Test runs in and he takes a big, pink kick. Sabu uses RVD to land Air Sabu on Test and both men take out Big Show, leaving RVD to land the Five Star Frog Splash on Striker. Sandman begs for the chance to pin Striker and does so after a (heavily edited) Rolling Rock.
Winners: The Sandman, Sabu & Rob Van Dam (No-one has momentum so this and the rest of the show was decent house show. You’d think the finish would have involved Striker winning via something screwy and it would have actually meant something but instead Sandy has his immediate revenge, making you wonder why they even bothered. There’s a lot of perverse enjoyment about Sandman’s sober wrestling as whenever he tries not-brawling he looks like a fan who jumped the barricade.)
And now the raging climax of Tit-Poker-lypse Now. The one with fake tits attacks another one with faker tits and they strip each other naked. Don’t get your hopes up there’s giant blur marks over everything like their boobs didn’t sign release forms on COPS. As they brawl like two tanned blurry pipecleaners, Balls Mahoney pounds the table shouting ”I love this show! ECW ECW ECW!”
Overall: I read this back and it’s a boring review but it’s what the show deserved. The show needs new stars and feuds but instead their answer to a directionless hour was ”Gimme some tiiiiiiiiiits”. This episode should be watched as an example of how desperate and shameless WWE can be at times. Also if anyone complains about the representation of females in WWE in 2016, show them this.