We’re in Tulsa, Oklahoma and our main event is The Sandman vs. Big Show. That’s out of nowhere, like the rest of the headline feuds on this program as WWE juggles Show as both a world-beater and a large arse for Vince to be thrown in.
Jim Ross is introduced as a special guest so the commentators mock him. ”He looks like he’s been eating a lot of BBQ sauce” says Tazz, a man nearly as wide as he is tall. Ross brings up Mid-South and the crowd cheers loudly for the mention. Well if they liked Mid-South they’ve got a long night ahead of them unless there was a Junkyard Dog vs. Shitty Vampire feud that did big business. Matt Striker The Mid-Card 1995 Gimmick interrupts. Blah blah blah you’re dumb and so is the crowd blah blah you like alcohol blah blah blah. Striker’s a word-smith but he’s given See Spot Run dialogue. The Sandman appears to defend alcohol and Ross helps him beat Striker up.
You know a guy is disliked backstage when WWE takes time out from humiliating J.R. to do him instead.
Up next it’s finally THAT MATCH.
Hardcore Holly vs. Rob Van Dam (EXTREEEME RULES)
RVD starts off with kicks but as soon as he starts taunting, Holly takes over. More of RVD’s opponents should do that. They brawl outside for a bit and despite RVD’s constant taunting he manages to Springboard Guillotine Legdrop Holly off the apron. Bit weird that’s RVD’s version of a snapmare. RVD gets a table from under the ring and Tazz mocks the crowd chanting for tables when there’s one being dragged out. Holly cuts him off and bangs him against bits of the ring and so far this hasn’t had the intensity of their last match. RVD gets choked on the ropes and a vicious chinlock follows. RVD manages to escape and some punch punch kick kick happens until Holly sets up the superplex to the outside and the match changes.
Holly’s back resembles a signature as a result of landing on the metal frame of the table but the grizzly mother continues like nothing’s wrong. Holly dumps RVD throat-first onto a set-up chair and the crowd is so into it you can hear the Holly chants mixed in with the ECW ones. Second-rope leg-drop onto a chair and the commentators are hyping up how pissed Holly is with that gash. Bad gash can do that to a man. RVD and Holly battle over a suplex onto a chair which would be a normal spot but is now pretty tense, helped by Tazz’s NO NO NO NO commentary. Holly loses and his Flair Forehead erupts.
Holly bleed some more but carries on. RVD gives him a monkey flip and when Holly lands the pain on his face is clear as day. RVD gives him a flying kick off the top but Holly gets up before he can get a pin, but makes the mistake of sitting in the corner and takes the chair baseball slide. RVD connects with a chair-assisted Rolling Thunder and Holly is in so much pain he rolls into the safety position afterwards. And he still kicks out at two. Audible ”woah” from the crowd. RVD tries for a monkey flip onto a chair but Holly turns it into a running powerbomb for two. RVD knocks Holly down and tries for a Five-Star Frog Splash but Holly throws the chair at the last minute.
Only RVD would take something like that willingly. Holly’s in too much pain to immediately cover so he only gets two. He tries for the Alabamma Slamma but RVD wriggles out as ”HOLLY” chants break out. Finally RVD Van Daminators Holly and connects with the Five Star Frog Splash for the win.
Winner: Rob Van Dam (Hell of a match and moment for ECW on Sci-Fi. Holly and RVD work well together anyway so this was going to be at least good but with the added bit of violence and manliness from Holly this felt like Holly’s break-out match, had he not been wrestling for the company since 1995. Half-way through the match the crowd was convinced nearly every big move was going to be the finish but they just kept on going and going.)
The medical people immediately run in and stuff Holly’s insides back in. RVD’s music plays then stops as the crowd stands up and shows their appreciation for Holly as he’s lead out. The crowd’s response to Holly underlined an already memorable match.
Tazz: ”What a tough bastard he is.”
Backstage, CM Punk explains what being addicted to competition means. Punk’s using a gruff voice like he’s trying to be Wolverine or something, pretty funny considering he’d end up talking normally later. Kelly shows up to perv on Punk and remind everyone she’s doing strip poker next week and she’s only nineteen so half of us watching this are probably committing felonies. In a tribute to original ECW, she’s Barely Legal. Mike Knox shows up and suddenly ten years in Oz for being a Subway mascot doesn’t seem that bad. Knox goes RAAARRR LEAVE MY WOMAN ALONE, Punk goes ”or what?” and Knox goes RARRR er I’m going now bye. Punk made his opponents look like wusses, isn’t that right not-booked-on-this-show Shannon Moore?
Ariel vs. Francine (EXTREEEME CAT FIGHT)
In 2016 Ariel was involved in the Worst Match Of The Year and Francine isn’t exactly Bull Nakano so I’ve got my Video Editing Software and copy of Super Mario World soundtrack primed and ready. Ariel says she’s read Francine’s Tarot cards and she knows she’ll end up fat, ugly and pregnant wishing she had a man as masculine as Kevin Thorn. Women weren’t human beings in 2006, they were ”foreign objects.” Styles gets the CATFIGHT call straight away and they roll around like fat lasses fighting outside a kebab shop at 3am until Thorn grabs Francine. Balls Mahoney interrupts and chair shots Thorn. Balls’ music plays so I guess that’s it?
Winner: Good question (Wasn’t worth typing out, sorry for wasting your time.)
Here’s a screenshot of Francine in case you were wondering what she looked like in her two-month run.
Heyman tells Show to be careful of Sandman but Show says he’s going to get his cane and turn him into a Popsicle. I predict Show tries to eat Sandman but after a small bite Show dies of alcohol poisoning.
Advert: School for Scoundrels, a Romantic Comedy that only features Billy Bob Thornton and John Heder in the advert but according to Wiki they don’t fuck. Ben Stiller is in the film and he also doesn’t fuck. No wonder it got bad reviews.
René Duprée is here and my Google search history gets yet another search as I look for the right way to type those lines above the vowels, so I hope he’s not murdered or I’ll end up a suspect. He walks out of a shower in just a towel and tells us again he’s the most extreme athlete in ECW. He then removes his towel, looks at his cock and laughs. I don’t know what message laughing at your own cock is supposed to send. And it doesn’t matter anyway as the camera still shows he’s wearing fucking shorts.
Big Show vs. The Sandman (ECW Title, Singapore Cane is legal)
By the time Sandman finishes his entrance we have five minutes left and we cut to an advert for Raw. When we return Sandy is caning Show and he manages to cane him to the outside and bust him open. Styles lets us know Holly needed 24 stitches after his match but it was nothing serious. Huh. Show takes over and ”Show hits Sandman with his FARM-LIKE HEAD” kills a few minutes. Sandman tries to make a comeback by running the ropes but Show notices how funny Sandman’s run is and knocks him down. Not since Tiger Jeet Singh has an untrained wrestler enjoyed such success. Show’s SHOTPUT LIKE HANDS can’t stop Sandman’s drunken awkward resolve and a DDT puts Show down long enough for Sandman to get his cane back. A top-rope cane shot puts Show down but only for two. Striker runs out and removes Sandman’s cane so now he’s got nothing. Show puts him down with the backbreaker/choke combo and ends with the Showstopper leg drop just to be a dick.
Winner and still ECW Champion: The Big Show (Brief main event that at least had a point. That point was to build the Striker vs. Sandman feud though so it gets a big fat ”meh” from me.)
Overall: Well Holly vs. RVD is worth a watch but the rest is directionless shit or shit with direction. Here’s what the main event booker’s meeting looks like: