Heyman starts the show by introducing Smackdown World Champ King Booker & Queen Sharmell to the EXTREEEME Parking lot. This will give Booker some ” half-arsing a match for a lesser promotion” experience for when he joins TNA next year.
No main event graphic so here’s a GIF from last Sunday’s Unforgiven 2006 instead.
Sabu, Tommy Dreamer & The Sandman vs. Test, Mike Knox & Matt Striker
One feud that’s just started (Striker vs. Sandman) with one feud that won’t end (Dreamer vs. Test & Knox). That’s one of the issues of this show not having PPV appearances or NXT-style specials to build to, some feuds just won’t go away. Sandman’s bleeding before the bell and the commentators bring up ECW Champion Big Show getting his arse out at Hell In A Cell two days ago. I was going to add a review of the match to this but after being reminded of the Big Arse I forgot about it. Anyway, Striker runs away from Sandman so Test takes over and beats him up. While Sandman is distracted Striker pushes him off the apron and to the floor and apparently the move is so severe he has to be carried off. Sandman did worse to himself during his entrance.
Adverts: Jackass The Movie 2. Those films got more and more homoerotic as they went on.
Back from break it’s three on two and Test works over Dreamer some more. The best use of both guys. Striker with (tiny pink tights) tags in. Crowd so enthralled by this they chant for tables even though it’s not an EXTREEEME Rules match. Knox tags in and immediately locks in a bear hug. He’s done NOTHING all match and his first move is a rest hold. Scoop slam and a second rope leg drop misses for Knox and Dreamer knocks him down with a Reverse DDT to make the tag to Sabu finally. Sabu gives everyone basement dropkicks and Knox takes Air Sabu in the corner. Got to give WWE some credit for not making an obvious joke about a middle-eastern guy like Sabu doing a plane-themed move. Lord knows they did every other cheap joke in 2006. Dreamer gives him a DDT but Striker runs in so Sabu Camel Clutches him as the match turns into a big mess with Test running in too. Sabu goes up top but Test pushes the ref into the ropes to crotch him which is enough for…the DQ? Huh.
Winners: Sabu, Tommy Dreamer & The Sandman via DQ (Test continues to look impressive by teaming with unimpressive partners. Match advanced the Striker vs. Sandman feud and that was it, oh boy.)
Test gives Dreamer the TKO because he’s pissed. Knox flies halfway across the ring to give Sabu a leg-drop in the first impressive thing I’ve seen him do but before he can brag about it online, Sandman returns and canes the baddies away. Striker gloats about pushing Sandman off the apron but he lost the match. He makes The Miz look like Brody.
Backstage Heyman shows King Booker around the glamorous backstage area but freaks out when he spots Balls Mahoney because he’s a ruffian. Booker acts disgruntled at a man named Balls but fuck him, he used to team with General Rection.
Recap of Unforgiven. Carlito got pinned after a springboard RKO, Trish Stratus retired and Cena regained the title after beating Edge in a TLC match. Pretty good PPV.
Kevin Thorn vs. Balls Mahoney
Thorn brings Ariel with him, Balls brings Francine. I don’t remember Francine being in WWE. I’m not saying she’s a hologram, I just don’t recall her. This may be THAT match but let’s see. Thorn dominates and he’s OK when he’s brawling, he should stick to that. Balls plants Thorn with a Regalplex for two and we get the Balls punches that don’t connect anymore but the crowd shouts BALLS so who cares. Ariel interferes so Francine gets into a catfight, which the camera misses most of. Then Thorn pins Balls after a crucifix powerbomb. Well it wasn’t THAT match.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (Too short to mean anything and was an excuse to have women fight and then barely show it. The commentators harp on about how Thorn stole the win but he managed to powerbomb the big Balls Mahoney so he wasn’t that sneaky.)
Heyman is still showing Booker the locker room (sadly he doesn’t show him the coke and pills room) and they get to CM Punk. Punk threatens Booker because he’s addicted to competition. Booker scowls and buggers off.
Adverts: Battlestar Galactica Season 2.5. What a show that was but fuck ”2.5” DVD sets of anything.
Shannon Moore vs. CM Punk
Moore claims he wasn’t ready so we get the biggest rematch since Holyfield vs. Tyson. Kelly Kelly is shown watching the match and admiring Punk. Punk works over Moore with ease and gives him a Mexican Surfboard. Moore gets out of it with a face-rake. Back suplex gets two and Kelly is taken away by Knox. Moore springboards into a knee from Punk which starts Punk’s Four Moves of Doom sequence (Knee in corner, Bulldog, Rock Bottom, Anaconda Vice) which Moore interrupts at move two but misses a Tumbleweed off the top so Punk goes to move four and wins via submission.
Winner: CM Punk (Punk looked good, Moore looked like a muppet for the second week in a row. I’ve no idea why there’s so many wimpy characters on this show. It’s the third brand and it’s a bit of a dumping ground but it’s still WWE.)
Booker bumps into Rob Van Dam and asks if he wants to ”joust.” RVD wants an EXTREEEME RULES match and Booker needs to be motivated into it by Heyman. ”You’re a King!”
Adverts: The old D-X VHS gets a quick re-release on DVD as WWE went D-X mental in 2006.
Here’s René Duprée with-oh wait sorry
Here’s René Duprée who says he’s going to be the most extreme athlete in ECW history. And that’s it! That was the whole thing. I took a screenshot and Googled his name yet again for that?
Another look at The Marine. Or as Duprée calls it ”La Marine”.
Rob Van Dam vs. King Booker (EXTREEEME RULES)
Styles brings up RVD & Booker’s tag title reign when both men were doing fuck-all, also known as 2002-2005. RVD goes up early but Booker shoves him off to the outside. Booker throws RVD into the stairs and gives him a cheeky suplex on the floor. Back in, Booker misses the Harlem Sidekick but takes RVD down with the Book End before he can get the advantage. Booker nails the spinaroonie and sets up the Scissors Kick but RVD realises it’d be easier to throw a chair at Booker than bend down in the middle of the ring. RVD does some trademark chair-assisted moves (baseball slide kick & Rolling Thunder) but they can’t keep Booker down. RVD with the springboard moonsault for two but Booker catapults RVD into the chair-stuck turnbuckle and as usual he makes it look like death.
Booker with a spinebuster onto the chair which sets up the Harlem Hangover. It misses but I appreciate the effort. RVD connects with the Five Star Frog Splash but here comes Hardcore Holly with the Alabamma Slamma. Booker kills RVD with the Scissor Kick and another crazy LUCKILY MY NECK BROKE MY FALL sell for the win.
Winner: Booker T (OK at least the match extended the RVD vs. Holly feud. Booker spent most of the match doing moves while RVD made him look like…well, a king I guess. Props for the Harlem Hangover too, but the whole GUEST STARRING! thing isn’t doing the show any favours and ECW is starting to feel more like Mortal Kombat DLC.)
Post-match Holly stands over RVD and presumably tells him he can’t work and is a green-horn etc. The commentators stress how Holly is a bad man for letting an outsider beat a fellow extremist then go ”well I guess Holly’s an outsider too” and that’s your episode!
Overall:I wonder if there’s any plan week by week for this show or if they book matches based on which Raw or Smackdown guy isn’t busy. As I typed earlier, the lack of blow-off shows is really hurting as there’s no build and the only thing they have been building (Show vs. Sabu) was swept under the rug because they needed Show to have the title for that HIAC match. So everything’s higgledy piggledy at the moment apart from Hardcore Holly. Type your own joke.