ECW on Sci-Fi #13 09/05/2006

Hype video for the McMahons & ECW Champ Big Show vs. D-X in Hell In A Cell at Unforgiven 2006. At least they’re entertaining:

HBK: Is this the place?
*HHH sees ECW shirts*
HHH: Bingo! This is the place!

We’re live in Columbus, Georgia and the commentators are Joey Styles (Boris) & Tazz (Oddjob).

Rob Van Dam & Sabu vs. Test & Mike Knox (EXTREEEME RULES)

With Sabu vs. Show presumably finished the main feud is now Heyman vs. ECW originals so we have this match as a result of the big brawl from last week. Sabu & RVD have to keep busy while Show’s promoting Unforgiven as his inclusion in the Hell In A Cell match means no ECW PPV match. Other than inconsequential appearances at Cyber Sunday and Survivor Series, there wouldn’t be a proper ECW match on WWE PPV until Royal Rumble 2007. Apart from December To Dismember obviously. Anyway Knox starts the match with Sabu and dominates with generic offence. Nothing worth typing happens, RVD gets tagged in and yeah more of the same. Test tags in and I’m happy to see him. RVD gives Test such a big kick he flies out of the ring. Sabu starts grabbing tables and chairs at ringside to amuse himself while Knox is wrestling. RVD & Sabu start launching springboard double-teams at Knox which is for the best. Test tries to press Sabu to the outside but gets kicked in his big teeth.

Styles: That’s gotta be like getting kicked by a mule, would you agree Tazz?
Tazz: I’ve never been kicked by a mule.

RVD & Knox battle on the apron, Test joins them and Sabu jumps them all off the apron and through the table. Crowd likes it and we got to break.

Adverts: Dual Action helps you freeze off warts like you’re self-conscious Captain Cold.

Back from the break and Test trips up Sabu as he tries a triple jump. RVD comes in and skateboards a chair into Test’s mug. RVD tries for the Five Star but Knox cuts him off and delivers a superplex to silence. Sabu nails Knox with an Arabian Facebuster while he’s on his back.  That’s a cool way of getting that move in. Sabu locks in a camel clutch so RVD plants a chair into Knox’s face and splits him open but before they can pin him Test recovers. Sabu is having none of that so he gives him Air Sabu in the corner and Test is manly enough to fall forward after the move and land on the still stood-up chair. Blimey.

Sabu manages the Triple Jump moonsault but it only gets two and the crowd is shocked at that. You know a match is going well when a move that hasn’t ended a match since 1993 shocks the crowd. Another table gets brought in, Test gets sent outside and RVD & Sabu frog splash/legdrop Knox for the win. Timing was a bit off.

Winners: Sabu & Rob Van Dam (Harmless fun to please the fans and they might as well because Sabu & RVD are doing f----all else. Test continues to do little things in his matches that make him fun to watch but I can’t tell if he’s improved or it’s because he’s tagging with Knox).

Adverts: Tag Body Shots turns women around you into filthy, filthy whores.

Kevin Thorn & Ariel look at tarot cards. Thorn says they’re very sexual, as if this needed to be pointed out as Ariel’s giant tits are jostling around like two pigs fighting over a trough.

Matt Striker’s here like a bucket of cold water. Last week he insulted booze so Sandman tried to attack him but Striker got him with a stapler. Striker name-drops the place they’re at and the local sports team so the crowd cheers and Striker makes fun of their little team. Christ on a bike, how did the crowd fall for that? Striker then says he’s smart enough to know not to swim around with sting-rays and clutches his chest. A quick check reveals this was THE DAY AFTER Steve Irwin died. Yiiiiiiiiiikes. Giant boos for that, louder even than the local sports team schtick. Sandman interrupts but Striker does a runner. Sandman writes STRIKER SUX on this chalk-board and kicks his deck and they stare from afar. Segment was only missing Sandman shaking his fist angrily until they faded to black.

Ariel shows up and gives Joey Styles a lapdance. Thorn holds Styles down to make sure he doesn’t leave. But…wait why would he hold Styles down oh f--- it’s only Thorn who cares.

Balls Mahoney vs. Stevie Richards

Again the graphic says Steven but the commentary calls him Stevie. Richards takes control with neckbreakers and a quick X-Factor. They make the crowd wait until Balls unleashes his BALLS punches and a nifty reverse cradle. As Balls gets ready to finish, Thorn distracts the ref and Stevie wins with a low-blow.

Winner: Stevie Richards (Quick match to further the Thorn/Balls feud which at least gives us an infamous match coming up in the next few weeks).

Shannon Moore is yet again backstage by himself posing like a twelve-year old white lad on instagram and tells us he’s bringing sexy back. Oh then CM Punk walks in and tells him he’s a poser and slaps him. Well now I love Punk even more because those segments were pure shite.

Big Show vs. D-X

Heyman makes the match not EXTREEEME RULES and we have ten minutes left but Styles tells us this match will be huge. After their entrance we have eight minutes. HBK manages to DDT Big Show but Show’s able to f--- him off with a ”big redwood” suplex. Both D-X are in at the same time for some reason. Show chops away at HHH but misses the Vader Bomb made famous by Will Ospreay. HBK runs the ropes but Heyman’s guards (still without a name) pull the ropes down so HHH leaves his partner to beat them down. Even in 2006 HBK was the one taking all the moves. Press slam to HBK but HHH returns with a full spirit meter to plant Show with a spinebuster. The guards try to interrupt again but HBK flies out with a tope (!) but Hardcore Holly runs out to beat up HHH in a bizarre scene for the DQ. HBK tries to restore the order but Holly assists the guards & Show in beating up HBK too. Wow. HHH has enough and chases everyone away with a sledgehammer. The guards take Sweet Chin Music and a sledgehammer to the helmet and they pose as we go off the air.

Winner via DQ: Big Show (Just another Special Guest Appearance to hard sell Unforgiven which is fair enough but this is nothing worth hunting down.)

Overall: Shame Sabu vs. Show has ended and Sabu never won as they did a good job of making Sabu look like a nutter to a new generation. Tag match was fun but the rest of the show is a mess of dead weight with no main event feud.)