Sorry about the delay, went travelling to see Chikara and forgot time causes days to change. Eddie Kingston attacked me so it was worth it.
Due to Rob Van Dam causing a no-contest in last week’s Kurt Angle vs. Sabu match, tonight we are cruelly teased with a three-way ladder match to declare the number one contender to Big Show’s ECW Title. Sure enough, Heyman tells us two days ago Angle tore his groin (yet was still able to win the match) and as such has been medically suspended. It must have been a groin pull the likes of which you’ve never seen before in your life.
So instead it’s Sabu vs. RVD in a ladder match. I’ve included that match twice in Botchamania and could probably do play-by-play with my eyes closed. Then again, it’s not hard typing ”and they fuck something else up” a dozen times.
We’re live in Washington, DC and the hosts are Joey Styles & Tazz collectively known as Jozz.
Mick Foley is here and we’re shown clips of him interfering with Ric Flair during his match with Johnny Nitro. There’s some badly piped-in FOLEY SUCKS chants. Foley said he invited Flair to come to ECW but he’s not here. Foley brings up Flair’s comments about Foley being nothing until he accidentally fell of Hell In A Cell. Foley clarifies he was thrown off and got back up and then got thrown through an his tooth knocked through his nose etc. Foley didn’t continue to get up because he thought the crowd would think less of him or the PPV audience would think less of him, he got up because HE would think less of himself. Foley & Flair go to war this Summerslam and it’s a war he can’t win because the words ”I Quit” aren’t in his vocabulary. Foley brings out Kelly Kelly and ”his close personal friend” Melina and they have a Three Way Dance. Snoop Dogg kicks in and everyone dances.
Flair interrupts (luckily his theme music played or no-one would have known who he was) and gives Foley two manly ball shots and then sends him over the stairs. And then whips him with his belt as Foley bleeds from the mouth. Security break it up and Flair gets the mic. ”You’d better learn how to say I Quit! You’d better quit! Kiss my ass kid!” It’s always great seeing Foley and Flair angry but Foley was all over the place during this feud. One minute he was justified in what he said and the next he was tonguing Melina. He was swerving like Jon Jones driving home.
Adverts: Bowflex Xtreme because he hadn’t moved on from spelling extreme without the e yet. Wait, did we ever?
Shannon Moore is staring at a wall. He turns around and tells us ”question authority.” Moore is what a sixty year old man thinks young punks are like. I hope he has a boombox next week.
CM Punk vs. Justin Credible
Punk beat him two weeks ago in a fairly competitive match and Credible wants to prove it was a fluke. He must have been talking about his win against Great Sasuke. Punk dominates to start and face washes Credible just like Samoa Joe (or Nick Gage, depending on your frame of reference) which looks cool until Credible loudly asks the ref how they’re doing for time. Audible ”ROH” chants as Punk tries a crossbody but Justin sticks his knee out instead. Credible fell over though so the crowd aren’t impressed. Abdominal Stretch leads to Punk throwing some strikes but misses a high kick and Credible hesitates what he’s supposed to do next. He decides to give Punk his shitty DDT for two. Punk gives him a bulldog followed by a high kick and the Anaconda Vice to mercilessly end this.
Winner: CM Punk (It looked like Punk was suggesting moves Credible had never even heard of and the result was an awkward mess. Crowd liked Punk though.)
Rob Van Dam is interviewed sat on top of a ladder. Last time he was in a ladder match, he won Money In The Bank. He sounds bored, probably thinking ”great I’m doing a fucking ladder match with no weed.”
Adverts: Cabin Fever. Eli Roth’s had a decent career of remaking grindhouse films and making them worse.
René Duprée poses and flexes for the camera. Because someone asked last time: his pecs are firm and he has no moustache. He says he’s going to be the number one hardcore guy in ECW as this show continues to become the elephant graveyard for WWE.
Little Guido & Tony Mamaluke vs. Mike Knox & Test
Styles points out The F.B.I. are smaller than Knox and Test so Tazz calls him Captain Obvious. When Styles asks Tazz how he’d approach this match if he was Guido, he says ”run”. I wish I could run from Knox matches. Guido takes a load of slams until he makes the tag to Mamaluke. Yeah that’ll help. Test big boots Guido and plants Mamaluke with the F5 Into A Flapjack.
Winners: Roidy Magoo & not exciting enough for a nick-name (Squash. Test looked better than Knox which isn’t a compliment to either guy.)
Post-match Dreamer & Sandman scare off Knox & Test and do the angry stare until the ad break kicks in.
Adverts: The Covenant. ”The film, despite receiving very negative reviews, was a moderate box office success.” The advert makes it look like a parody of teen horror/sci-fi films.
Heyman explains the concept of a ladder match backstage to Big Show until Kurt Angle shows up and beats up the security team. Guess I was wrong about last week being his last appearance. It takes four cops, the security team and Big Show to stop Angle. And that’s his last appearance, right? I should have known being declared medically suspended wouldn’t stop Angle.
Rob Van Dam vs. Sabu (Ladder Match, Winner Gets Big Show at Summerslam)
Sabu said in his YouShoot that he stopped trying in WWE after the drug bust. You’d never know watching this. Sabu throws a chair to start things off and they both go for the springboard kick at the same time, causing RVD to go for a pin and then shout at the ref for counting it. RVD tries something off the top but Sabu crotches him, so he goes for a Triple-Jump Frankensteiner but slips and crotches himself. Rob Van Dam then tries to grab the contract by jumping off the top rope and misses. Those last two sentences looked horrible. HHHOORIBLE as Bryan Alvarez would put it. Sabu manages a smooth springboard clothesline to send RVD to the outside and follows with a dive. Back in, Sabu hits a springboard Tornado DDT and it looked great, so Sabu is at his best springboarding off things. Sabu goes for the ladder but RVD decides to dive onto him while he’s holding it. That looked like a bad idea.
Adverts: Netflix is still a ”DVD through the mail” service.
When we come back, RVD gives Sabu his spinning leg-drop over the guard-rail and attempts to set up the ladder. Sabu kicks RVD’s feet from under him so he lands on the ladder follows it up with an Arabian Facebuster which Van Dam sells like he’s glitching out in WWE ’15. That was a great sequence.
Sabu’s biggest issue has always been gelling his crazy moves together so it looks like a match, which is why ladder matches are both a good and bad idea for him. Sabu tries to climb but RVD pushes him so Sabu decides to try a triple-jump with a sideways ladder and yeah.
A fan loudly shouts ”Are you retarded?” as Styles goes on about ”that’s why they call it high-risk!” Yeah but there’s high-risk and there’s things that blatantly aren’t going to work. The ladder gets set up in the corner and RVD whips Sabu into it, who acts hurt then makes sure the ladder doesn’t fall down so it doesn’t mess with the next spot. Fucking hell. RVD charges, Sabu moves so RVD monkey flips the ladder into Sabu. RVD tries for Rolling Thunder on the ladder but Sabu moves and RVD just splats. Sabu recovers with a Triple Jump Moonsault but misses a top rope Arabian Facebuster. RVD gives Sabu the Five Star Frog Splash causing Sabu to roll outside which doesn’t seem like a good strategy in a ladder match. RVD climbs to the top but stops and looks behind him in a really obvious manner, thus cluing even the blind fans in attendance that something’s about to happen and SURE ENOUGH Big Show waddles in. RVD tries to dive off onto him but Show kind-of catches him and tosses him through a table outside. Show demands the contract be lowered and the staff obliges. Sabu dives onto Show who holds him in a powerbomb position but holds him for about twenty seconds and walks backwards so Sabu can grab the contract. Show chokeslams him on the contract afterwards.
Winner: Sabu (There were some nice and very painful looking moments in the match but the botches, sloppiness and stupid ending fuck this match out of the enjoyment zone for me.)
Show chokeslams RVD after the match and Sabu eats bits of the contract.
Overall: Homeward Bound makes for happier viewing than this. The Foley/Flair appearance was fun but it was a cameo. Punk had a bad match, Angle’s probably gone by now and the main event showed the worst of all three men. I’m hyped for Summerslam.