Last show’s Dreamer & Sandman vs. Knox & Test match. Oh sorry if you’re reading this in 2016 I mean Sandreamer vs. Knest.
Tonight it’s Sabu vs. Kurt Angle in a Number One Contenders Match. Nothing good comes from this match.
We’re in Nashville, Tennessee and the commentators are Joey ”Knocked out JBL” Styles and Tazz ”Got bitch-slapped by RVD” no-surname.
Mike Knox vs. Tommy Dreamer
Dreamer’s walking like John Wayne to show he’s still in pain from last week’s shit-kicking. Tazz calls his condition ”suspect” but he’s been that way since 1998. Knox tries to jump Dreamer early but Dreamer is THE HEART OF SOUL OF ECW so he gets a clothesline. After sending him to the steel steps outside, Dreamer gives Knox a wacky neckbreaker and the big DDT. Heyman waddles to ringside and distracts the ref as the security team beat him up. I’m guessing that’s what they did, they’ve dimmed the lights to give it that ECW feeling (now known as ”that TNA feeling”) and they’re wearing all black with black masks and black night-sticks so maybe Dreamer threw himself out the ring and beat himself up. You know if we told to, he would. Knox gives him the Sister Abigail without a kiss for the win.
Winner: Mike Knox
Adverts: Get the new BlackBerry 7130e for only $199.99! What a wacky concept, a phone with a big screen and internet access.
Back from the break, Sandman is here to defend Dreamer. Sandman’s already bleeding as usual, but he’s been doing that during the adverts. If I was Heyman I’d have called for a really long advert break and just waited until Sandman eventually passed out from blood-loss. Instead Heyman tells Sandman he loves Dreamer like he was his own son and orders Dreamer to get some medical treatment. Heyman puts Sandman in a handicap match against Knox & Test and makes sure it’s not Extreme Rules so Sandman can’t use his cane. Well that’s 70% of his move-set gone. Test makes his way to the ring and makes sure to Big Kick an already-dead Dreamer as he passes him by.
Mike Knox & Test vs. The Sandman
Sandman gets beat up or as Styles forcibly puts it: ”It’s not just two on one, it’s two huge, young men pounding down” which makes me pause to wipe my brow. Sandman manages a dropkick which deserves a GIF.
Sandman gets beat up for a few more minutes until Test misses a top rope elbow and Sandman thinks ”fuck it” and uses the cane on everybody for the DQ.
Winner via DQ: Mike Knox & Test (If they’re trying to make Test & Knox look good then this was failed, if they’re building towards a Heyman vs. Dreamer match then it succeeded but why the hell would they be doing that? Test’s little dick (no pun intended but I’m sure those steroids did something) moments make him the most interesting he’s been in years though.
Sabu hype package followed by Sabu saying a few words. In his YouShoot, Sabu said he hated speaking or saying anything in WWE as it wasn’t part of his character. I couldn’t tell if it was because Sabu was raised mega-kayfabe by his uncle The Sheik or he’s just shy.
Adverts: Summerslam 2006 is coming soon, no matches announced but D-X have chef hats and big weiners. Also on Sci-Fi we have Night Stalker, the remake of the 70s TV detective show. Originally aired on Fox, it was cancelled after poor ratings after six episode but re-shown on Sci-Fi where it also had poor ratings and they didn’t show the last episodes. Also Stargate Atlantis is on, which I think is the only thing Sci-Fi’s advertised so far that people will admit to watching. Other adverts include Girls Gone Wild and heart medication, leading me to believe ECW was shown at 3am this week.
Balls Mahoney is in a hallway wearing a Cradle of Filth shirt. He describes himself as handsome and says balls.
Kevin Thorn and Ariel are here. Their music’s pretty cool but the rest of the show is ECW and then there’s this New Generation era one-joke gimmick walking around. If they really wanted to appease ECW they should have had a wrestler who got low ratings and cancelled.
Kevin Thorn vs. Al Snow
Al’s the one wrestling on TV ten years later. Wrestling eh? Snow bum-rushes Thorn to start but he vamps up and comes back with stomps. After some default offence, he delivers his cool rope-assisted neckbreaker but keeps the match going to kiss Ariel. Back to stomps and crowd apathy until finally a Crucifix Powerbomb ends it.
Winner: Kevin Thorn (If Thorn was supposed to wrestle like he’d only been doing it for a week then he missed his calling as an actor. No wonder CM Punk turned heads in 2006, his competition was a vampire, a Roidy Magoo and a cuck.)
Video package and words from Kurt Angle. Sabu may be Genocidal and Homicidal but tonight he’ll learn the only thing Suicidal is stepping into the ring with him. That’s a money line.
René Duprée is here. Wait what? I don’t remember this. He speaks French (no, really) and says he’s going to be the most extreme athlete in ECW. If the stories are true, Duprée would have been a big locker room favourite in the original ECW.
Adverts: Savage Planet which has a 2.3/10 rating on IMDB and this note: ”Duncan states “It would take light-years just to send DNA through space…” implying it would take a very long time (which he confirms in his next line). A light-year is a measurement of distance, not time. Also, the planet they are going to is only 20 light-years away.”
Big Show is here in a suit and Styles says ECW is live. No it isn’t. Er, was it? Anyway he’s five hundred plus pounds, he’s the EXTREEEME Giant etc. ”Kurt Angle if you get in my way I’ll crush your spine like I crush crackers for my soup.” He’s bringing class to ECW and then leaves. Show’s good on the mic and wearing a suit.
Advert: Snakes On A Plane. Hey remember that?
CM Punk was welcomed into the ECW family better than he ever was into his own family. He quotes Voltaire “The longer we dwell on our misfortunes, the greater is their power to harm us” and will wrestle next week.
Kurt Angle vs. Sabu (No. One Contender Match)
First time these two have wrestled. I’m not expecting much as Angle likes to wrestle in an organic way whereas Sabu needs to get his spots in regardless of what’s happening. Angle takes him down with a headlock takeover and holds on even with Sabu’s foot on the ropes. Angle continues to dominate with his cool-looking basic moves until he takes the Slaughter Bump through the ropes and hits the post. Sabu sends him outside (which Angle takes like he’s doing a forward flip because he’s crazy) and we take a break.
Back in, Sabu gives Angle a springboard tornado DDT for two. Sabu can’t keep the advantage and gets an overhead belly-to-belly. Sabu tries to take it to the outside but Angle causally gives him a Fireman’s Carry on the floor. Angle gets a two so he tries for a rear-naked choke instead. Sabu manages to elbow Angle to escape the hold but Angle’s like ”really?” and chokes him again. I have a man-love for Angle and he manages to make Sabu’s springboard leg lariat look it occurred naturally. Flipping leg-drop gets two as does a spinning leg kick. Crowd is split 60/40 for Angle and it only increases as Angle gives Sabu a German Suplex, holds on and releases. First time seeing just two Germans from Angle, Sabu landed ugly. Angle takes the straps down but Sabu reverses the Angle Slam into an arm-drag. Another springboard gets two. Camel Clutch is countered into the Ankle Lock but Sabu sends him outside and follows with a tope that isn’t caught.
In the ring, Sabu dives off for a really close two. Angle’s the king of the close two-count. Sabu is taken down with the ankle lock but here’s the returning RVD to fuck up a Van Daminator on Angle for the DQ. RVD is here to help his friend Sabu, except he isn’t as he kicks a chair into Sabu too. RVD poses as the show goes off the air with no Number One Contender.
Winner: No Contest (Way better match than Angle vs. RVD was a few weeks ago as Angle lead the match and Sabu followed, so his gimmicky offence looked natural for a change. Well done Kurt, next time catch him on the dive though.)
As I said at the start, nothing good came of this match. The no-contest set up RVD vs. Sabu in a ladder match which was shite, Sabu wrestled Big Show in a shite match at Summershite and Angle left after either quitting or being suspended until he got his vices controlled (depending on who you ask) which was shite for WWE. Angle’s last untelevised match would see him destroy Danny Doring in a matter of seconds on the August 14th house show, apparently hand in his notice on August 25th and show up in TNA on September 24th. A shame that a star as big as Angle wasn’t able to do anything to stop the crazy schedule of WWE as they simply carried on without him.
Overall: Angle vs. Sabu was the highlight, everything else is either middling or shite. At least Punk’s on next week’s show…along with a certain ladder match.
Highlight: Angle’s last televised WWE appearance ended like this: