We’re live at the Hammerstein Ballroom in Manhattan and tonight it’s Big Show vs. Batista and OH IT’S THIS EPISODE.
The Sandman & Tommy Dreamer vs. Test & Mike Knox w/Kelly Kelly (EXTREEEME RULES)
Crowd is really into everything from the get-go. Too into it actually, as they spot Kelly and bust out ”YOU SUCK DICK” and suddenly the volume lowers Reigns-style. Match starts with tags which Joey points out doesn’t mean anything in an EXTREEEME RULES match but Sandman flies with a dropkick so logic ain’t shit. Knox & Test get DDT’d and White Russian Leg Sweep’d so Dreamer & Sandman get the plunder. The fans aren’t impressed with the trash cans and stop signs and demand tables. They produce barbed wire boards instead, making Joey squeal ”You can only see barbed wire boards in ECW!” Aye, until Foley and Flair wrestle in a few weeks. Test uses the cane and gets more ”You take steroids” chants which are un-muted as the censors realise they’d need to blur out Test. Dreamer is busted open in impressive fashion and looks like his T-shirt. Sandman goes for Knox, with Kelly trying to stop him but he pauses and tosses her out the way and canes Knox all the way out the arena. This leaves Dreamer with Kelly and he teases being a gentleman before bending her over and spanking her which should at least get some hits for Scott Keith.
Heyman runs out with his masked security (The Bashams) to throw Dreamer through the barbed wire. Test saunters in, slowly drags Dreamer out and dumps him back in. Ha! Test finishes with the TKO.
Winner: Roidy Magoo & Mike Cuck (It was fairly basic as far as EXTREEEME RULES goes but it advanced the Sandman vs. Knox & Heyman vs. Dreamer feuds, the crowd was louder than all the previous crowds combined and Dreamer bled a lot. Test being a dick to Dreamer was great too.)
Unlike previous episodes where ECW was filmed prior to SmackDown, this show is one big ECW fest with the following matches happening prior to taping:
Balls Mahoney defeated Rene Dupree.
Paul London & Brian Kendrick defeated Little Guido & Tony Mamaluke.
Stevie Richards defeated Roadkill.
C.W. Anderson defeated “The Reject” Shannon Moore.
Shannon Moore lost a dark match prior to making his debut? After all those promos (three) where he stared at a camera to CW Anderson of all people? A quick check on CageMatch reveals CW only made one TV appearance and that was losing to CM Punk so that result is weird.
Backstage Heyman is walking past ECW wrestlers and they all refuse to look at him for fucking with Dreamer. Sabu appears (sadly the lights don’t switch off) and demands Big Show again. Heyman points out Sabu’s scars mean he’s bad for business as he’ll do anything to win and therefore unreliable so no. The Daniel Bryan/Randy Orton version of this storyline was better, until you realise Bryan is more injured than Sabu.
CM Punk promo with a very badly done ”slowly moving camera” effect. You really need to do it quickly or half the promo’s out of shot and it doesn’t look edgy, it makes the camera man look drunk. Punk has discipline and keeps himself under control but that discipline is gone tonight as he’s going to explode IN THE RING. No wonder he was such a chick magnet.
Adverts: Steve-O selling Sneak Circus, Ultimate Avengers 2, Burger King chicken fries. What the fuck are chicken fries? There’s also several comedy films each featuring a scene with a guy screaming really loudly which I think is necessary to get a PG-13 rating.
Justin Credible vs. CM Punk
Punk’s first televised WWE match, the response is already positive and there’s a few signs in the crowd for him. Styles & Tazz wonder loudly how Punk can exist drug-free in ECW. Credible would agree. Crowd chants ”ROH” as Punk locks in a Tarantula-into-Koji-Clutch I don’t recall him using much.
Credible counters a springboard into a Flair-Toss and the chants for Punk get louder. Credible busts out Eddy’s Three Amigos but he’s not as athletic as he used to be so Punk awkwardly has to get up before Credible so he can do the next suplex. At least Credible turns the third suplex into a Northern Lights for two. Justin’s really feeling it tonight as he locks in Lance Storm’s rolling Single Crab. Punk swings fists and lands the Springboard Elbow for two. The flying knee/bulldog combo gets the crowd going and Punk kicks the somas out of Credible before finishing with a Uranage-into-a-Koji Clutch.
Winner: CM Punk (Fine competitive match here as the commentary emphasised Punk’s addiction to competition and everyone loves a fighter. Credible turning into Damien666 and doing other people’s moves out of nowhere was amusing too.)
Crowd continues to cheer and chant for Punk as the camera shows a ”CM PUNK WELCOME HOME” sign. Good call, that guy.
Horrible Batista music video package set to what sounds like a remix of the Dial-Up internet connection noise.
Adverts: Little Richard shills Geico. He’s the Bob Backlund of music.
Another Shannon ”The Reject” Moore promo. He’s shown sitting on the floor on the train when there’s seats available. So he’s a reject by choice? Or is he rejecting the people around him? Or was Smells Like Piss Shannon Moore not approved?
Brooklyn Brawler is here! Well not anymore. Crowd cheers him because he’s wearing jeans and a torn shirt so they can relate. Brawler’s too extreme for Raw so he’s here instead. Kurt Angle’s music plays, crowd explodes in over-priced booze.
Kurt Angle vs. Brooklyn Brawler
Angle immediately locks in the Ankle Lock as the crowd welcomes him back. He gets the ropes and Brawler tells Angle he’s not afraid of him. Kurt nuts him and makes him tap with the Ankle Lock.
Winner: Kurt Angle (He’s back! I love psycho grapplefucker Angle. He wasn’t doing moonsaults off cages, he was doing simple take-downs that no-one could deal with because he was The Wrestling Machine. He was both Dave Schultz’s merged together.)
Arial talks in a dark corrider and FINALLY names the vampire as Kevin Thorn. He wants the blood of ECW. Well don’t drink Test’s or you’ll start lactating. Now they’ve stopped the ”Sandman canes wacky characters” segments, these two feel really out of place.
The Big Show vs. Batista (ECW Title)
Crowd chants for Rob Van Dam as Big Show poses in ring. Styles & Tazz go into over hype overdrive (HYPERDRIVE) over both men. Big Show has arms like legs and legs like people look how impressive Batista is, this could main event Wrestlemania etc. Great moment as Batista gets abuse from the fans and stops to chat shit just as his theme song reaches ”I WALK ALOOOOONE.”
As soon as the music stops the BOOOOOOOOing starts. Toilet paper is thrown into the ring as the introductions are made.
Styles: ”Mixed reaction for Batista here”
Tazz: ”They’re actually booing Batista.”
Big Show is booed too. Bell rings, ”You Both Suck” chant starts and the boos are at fog-horn levels. Back from break and how it’s ”Same Old Shit.” Big Show responds with the money hand signal. They try and do some Clash Of The Titan spots but nothing is working. ”Change The Channel” chant, Show responds by sniffing his armpit.
Styles: ”Why would we change the channel? We like it here on Sci-Fi!”
Tazz: ”This crowd might start chanting for the ref next.”
Show tries a Vader Bomb but Batista superplexes him off the second rope. ”You Still Suck.” Spear by Batista gets two and Dave ignores the ”Boring” chants. Batista kicks out of the choke slam so Big Show very slowly tries to hit him with the title which Dave ducks. At the speed he was going, Khali could have ducked it. Show ignores the spinebuster and gives him the White Noise/Kryptonite Krunch for two. Show thinks ”why am I even bothering” and hits Dave with the title right in front of the ref for the DQ.
Sabu shows up and plants Show with the Arabian Facebuster and the crowd is as happy to see him as Twitter was to see Seth Rollins’ cock. Sabu knocks Show off the apron and he takes out the timekeeper’s table. Sabu poses and even high fives fans as we go off the air.
Winner: Batista via DQ (Well we had the acrobats, the fire eaters and the strongmen earlier on the show so we may as well end with the clowns. Very entertaining for the wrong reasons.)
People Who Watched This Match Also Watched:
1. John Cena vs. Randy Orton (Royal Rumble 2014)
2. Brock Lesnar vs. Goldberg (Wrestlemania XX)
3. Randy Orton vs. Sheamus (Raw After Wrestlemania 2014)
4. AJ Styles vs. Frank Trigg (No Surrender 2008)
5. Royal Rumble match after Bryan didn’t show up (Royal Rumble 2014)
6. Royal Rumble match after Bryan was eliminated (Royal Rumble 2015)
Overall: Fun episode with a lot of development and not much crap. The main event was a bomb but if you’re going to have a match so bad you want to re-watch it then it’s good in my (biased) book. Angle, Punk, Sabu and even Test looked good here so this definitely the best ECW on Sci-Fi episode so far.
Next week: Sabu vs. Angle!…in Angle’s last televised WWE match. Fuck.