Saturday Night’s Main Event gets recapped. Sadly it’s one of the ones from 2006.
Big Show and Great Khali teamed up to beat up The Undertaker so Undi’s making an appearance tonight against Show. Well the show’s only an hour-long so if he does that promo about leaving him in the desert the match will only twenty seconds.
We’re in Corpus Christi, Texas and the commentators are a brown-noser (Joey Styles) and an orange-noser (Tazz).
After the BAWDIES HIT THE FLAWWW we start with Kelly Kelly stripping until Mike Knox interrupts the grinding. Tazz bemoans how predictable this has become (here, here) and Styles gives us this howler: ”You wouldn’t date an exhibitionist if you had a real problem.” HAHAHAHA.
Knox tells Kelly that her exhibitionism got him beat up by Sandman last week. It’s an intervention! An EXTREEEEEME intervention. Knox tells her she’ll never take her clothes off in public again and he calls out The Sandman. Knox still looks like a decent guy (when he’s not wrestling) who’s trying to help his girlfriend who suffers from mental health issues.
The Sandman vs. Mike Knox (EXTREEEME RULES)
Sandman walks nearly the entire crowd barrier during his entrance which is impressive considering his forehead’s already bleeding. Knox whips Sandman into the barrier outside and chokes him with cable as Styles asks if this is ”good in the hood”. Sandman gives Knox a bulldog as I realise this is his probably his first sober non-squash match in WWE. Sandman goes to cane Knox but he pulls Kelly in the way and she gets knocked out. Crowd gives it a mild HOLY SHIT chant as Knox drags Sandman in the ring, kicks him in the balls twice and pins him.
Winner: Mike Knox (I still don’t care about Knox but at least he took full advantage of the EXTREEEEME RULES and they removed any sympathy for him by using Kelly as a shield. Knox was a better Sandman opponent than Big Dick Johnson, The Zombie and The Priest. But not better than Macho Libre.)
Kelly is stretchered out but Knox has left without checking up on her. They missed a treat by not having the Doctor’s prep her for surgery by removing her clothes and having Knox run in to stop them. I’ve watched too much of this show.
Paul Heyman in-ring (surrounded by dark-visor security so you know he means business) tells us ”we all need to drink the kool-aid.” Oh come on Paul, it’s no fun when you actually say it. He reminds us RVD is still suspended because Heyman is great at making exposition sound exciting. He’s interrupted by Tommy Dreamer who pleads with Heyman. He tells him he owes the locker room an explanation and Heyman replies ”phew, I thought you were going to say money!” That may or may not have happened. Heyman kisses Dreamer (that actually happened) and Test runs in to kick Dreamer. Test drops Dreamer with the TKO and you know Heyman’s a bad guy because he re-signed Test.
Styles: ”Coming up tonight, literally the biggest main event in ECW history! Literally!”
Balls Mahoney (in front of a garage door because he’s original ECW) tells us he may be a bit nuts but he likes himself that way. NUTS! BALLS! 2006.
Sabu vs. Steven Richards
This is a rematch from SNME and they show clips of the epic two-minute encounter. Even clipped the match looked rougher than a badger’s arse.
He’s called Steven on the graphic but as any self-respecting middle-aged sad bastard knows, that was his Right To Censor name so I’ll call him Stevie, by God. This match isn’t EXTREEEME RULES so Stevie may have a shot here. Sabu shows he can actually wrestle as he hits a running schoolboy and switches it to a leg-lock. Crowd showed their appreciation by chanting ”We want tables!” because it’s Sabu. Stevie locks in an arm-bar but Sabu comes back with the slingshot clothesline. Styles is giving himself a hernia talking about how Sabu can really wrestle which is all well and good but that big John Cena match was a month ago so who gives a fuck if Sabu can armdrag. Guillotine leg-drop gets two so Sabu plants Stevie with a springboad DDT and gets a rare submission win via Camel Clutch.
Winner: Sabu (Sabu’s matches are the same with or without tables: His opponent does a few moves, he ignores them and then he does what he likes. If you’re like me and you’re wondering why Sabu wasn’t suspended with RVD, I’ll save you a Google: ”Sabu was charged with possession of drug paraphernalia, and nine Vicodin tablets following a traffic stop in Hanging Rock, Ohio following a house show in Huntington, WV. Brunk was fined $1,000 based on the guidelines of WWE’s Wellness Policy. He pleaded guilty to possession of a controlled substance and the charge of possession of drug paraphernalia was dropped. He was given a suspended sentence of 10 days in jail and a $500 fine.” Thank God, who else could have squashed Stevie Richards twice in one week?)
CM Punk backstage promo! He lists his qualifications as Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, Muay Thai kickboxing, Kenpo Karate and wrestling. Wait a minute, when the fuck did Punk learn all that? It couldn’t have been when he was in IWA-MS as I’m pretty sure dojos don’t accept hot dogs as payment. Just as well he listed ”wrestling” at the end as I don’t remember Jon Jones winning any matches with a clothesline and bulldog combo.
Kevin Thorn The Un-Named Vampire is backstage in a spooky room with with Ariel-ha-ha-I-get-a-name-fuck-you-Mordecai. The Best of Spooky Music Vol. 4 is playing in the background to really ham this up. He asks her what the future holds for Big Show and she draws the ”Deck card” but just stares at the camera rather than explain what that means.
Oh shit, I re-watched it as Google didn’t help explain things and she actually drew the Death Card. She definitely definitely said ”Deck” though.
Joey Styles is shouting about the main event being literally the biggest match ever literally so I gave the last segment another watch (the rubber watch) and yes, she said deck. DECK CARD. For making me re-watch a Kevin Thorn segment three times here’s Ariel’s recent appearance in TNA:
Big Show vs. The Undertaker (ECW Championship)
I skipped the entrances but if you really want to simulate them just have you mate shout ”TV JUST DOESN’T DO THIS MAN JUSTICE” thirty times in your ear.
This is Undi’s first match since losing to Khali. Khali looked great in his first year thanks to some tip-top booking. Everything after that was the shits, but I can’t fault them for doing everything right with a wrestler who had nothing right.
Styles calls this a ”Wrestlemania main event-level match.” Well if Shane McMahon had got injured there was a chance of it being this year’s. Big Show and Undi go punch-for-punch because the dead man is the best pure striker in WWE history blah blah blah but Big Show’s the size of Butterbean so it doesn’t work. Undi tries to get the advantage but Show shrugs it off and knocks him down. I thought they’d stop the BIG SHOW IS BIG now he’s against Undertaker but I was wrong as Show sends him out the ring with ease.
Tazz: ”Getting hit by Big Show must be like getting hit by a car or a helicopter.”
Back from break and Undi gives Show the rope-stunner but Show gives him a spear-on-his-knees to a running Undi. Undi puts him in the corner but punches himself out Show so Show clotheslines him. Bloody hell, Undi’s on the C show making the champ look like Giant Baba. Even more impressive considering Show’s a Fish & Chip Supper away from exploding, no wonder their 2008 feud with skinny Show was so good. Undi figures out maybe working on Show’s leg would be better than punching him but Show ignores THAT to headbutt Undi. If Show was booked in matches like this every week, everybody would be buying BIG NASTY BASTARD T-shirts. Or that one with the bear on. Aye.
Undi from the mat leg-locks Show because he learned MMA when he was in Hell, probably from CM Punk. Undi has enough of this buggery and goes punch-for-punch until Show shrugs it off AGAIN until Undi’s dreaded ‘slipping-on-a-banana-peel’ DDT gets two. Undi tries Old School but Show gently tugs him off. And then we get a Superplex off the second rope! Undi sits up to kick out of the pin (YEAHHHH) and tries a chokeslam but it’s cut off by a Big Show headbutt. Show tries his Camel Clutch backbreaker but Undi somehow manages to convert that into Old School and gives a Show a big boot to send him outside. Just when I’m enjoying things, Khali goose-steps into the arena and the guy recording this copy of ECW I’ve tape-traded immediately stops recording and I get five minutes of a news report on storm damage instead.
OK I found the rest of the match: Khali brawls with Undi, looking like Bela Lugosi fighting that octopus until both men chokeslam Undi through the announce table. After watching Khali’s brawling, I don’t blame the guy for stopping.
Winner: Storm Damage (They didn’t re-invent the wheel but when it comes to big, big wrestlers I’m happier seeing them act like big, big guys and ignore offence than I am seeing them moonsault. They lost me when they ignored the leg-work but Show looked like a monster and I can’t fault that.)
Overall: Big Show’s looked like a Big Champ for two weeks now thanks to the Special Guest Stars showing up. It’ll be interesting to see what happens when they stop appearing up and we get Show vs. The Un-Named Vampire.