Cold opening and we’re in Philly…wait.
Ah. It’s this episode.
Rob Van Dam and Sabu’s drug bust was on July 2nd. The show starts with the ending of RVD vs. Cena vs. Edge from Raw that ended with Edge winning the WWE Title. Fans must have been thrilled after 20 PPVs and specials this year that an important title change on Raw.
Heyman (still wearing his giant leather jacket over his suit, looking like he’s trying to cut weight for a fight he has in a few hours) addresses RVD’s ”controversial” loss last night. The clips made it look clean as a whistle. Heyman assures us that RVD is still ECW Champion and he works harder than any other champion in WWE (sadly he he plays harder too). There’s a SMASH sound effect from what sounds like a Hanna-Barbera cartoon and Big Show walks into the room, presumably entering through the wall and leaving a Big Show-sized hole. He demands a title shot and yes, it’s this episode.
LET THE BAWDIES HIT THE FLAAAAAAW starts the show properly and the commentators are Styles & Tazz. Several fan icons like Hawaiian Shirt Guy are visible in the crowd.
Here’s Kelly Kelly’s Salute to America as she strips in front of a bunch of stars and stripes, like the Gettysburg address. It’s one of those segments that non-Americans consider ridiculous but I guess Americans will go ”what’s so funny?” because they’re used to seeing people fuck their flag because it’s July. Anyway blah blah Mike Knox interrupts and takes her backstage. Styles & Tazz admonish Knox for being jealous of his girlfriend wanting to strip for strangers. Why does 2006 feel like it’s thirty years ago?
Mike Knox vs. Little Guido
Crowd chants ”You Suck Dick” and ”Shut The Fuck Up” at Knox as he tries to explain his girlfriend has issues so they weren’t kidding about this show being live. Guido sneak attacks but Knox is BIG. Styles & Tazz discuss the advantages of having an exhibitionist girlfriend. I wonder if WWE ever tried to do a nymphomaniac gimmick where the manager distracts the opponent by fucking a commentator and when they look over, Knox gives them a small package for the win. Loud ”You Can’t Wrestle” and ”Boring” chants as Knox has all the electricity of the Amish. After dominating very slowly he ends with a big kick and Sister Abigail (with no kiss).
Winner: Mike Knox (Knox was number 128 in the Unexciting WWE Big Guys list and did nothing to look impressive against a man half his size. He tried doing ‘crazy eyes’ afterwards which doesn’t make sense as the only crazy thing about him was the decision to put him on TV in the first place.)
RVD demands Heyman make the title match tonight against Big Show as he doesn’t want ECW to be the place where the big guys get shots whether they deserve it or not. What?! Where the fuck did that line come from? Heyman doesn’t want to make the match.
Back to ringside as Tony Devito dressed as a vicar insults says it’s his first time watching this show, wrestling is deplorable and all the fans are sinners. Crowd cheers. Styles claims he’s a fan that jumped the guard-rail. The Sandman comes out and canes him.
A friend of my family told me he used to put on a vicar collar when he’d travel on the train as it meant he’d always get a seat and no-one would give him aggro. Aside from the occasional old woman wanting spiritual advice. He stopped when he found out it was an arrestable offence to impersonate a man of the cloth. Not an amazing story but it was a lot more interesting than the previous segment which wasn’t even a match this week.
RVD slaps Big Show backstage. Big Show smiles.
Heyman asks RVD what he’s doing as RVD wants to show he’s extreme. These backstage segments are as forced as they sound.
Test vs. Al Snow
Oh Christ, they’re really doing having Mike Knox and Test squashes on the same episode? Crowd chants ”You take steroids” at Test. Well he’s bigger than he was in 2003 and his back looks like a margherita pizza so probably. He gives Snow a Marc Mero TKO for the win.
Winner: Roidy Magoo (Test wrestled like a true ECW original. Sadly that ECW original was Brakkus.)
Post-match, Test kicks Head.
Advert for Batista vs. Mark Henry at Great American Bash. Which didn’t end up happening due to Henry getting injured. In fact, they built up the match for so long but both men kept on getting injured that they said ”screw it” and had Batista squash him on Smackdown as soon as they were both healthy.
The un-named vampire spits blood into a camera. I hope he’s introduced as ”hailing from the parking lot outside the arena.”
History making segment as CM Punk appears for the first time! He doesn’t do drugs or alcohol, he’s just addicted to competition. When he says his name there’s a noticeable cheer from the Philly faithful.
Rob Van Dam vs. Big Show (ECW Title Match, Extreme Rules)
Styles says Big Show is in the best shape he’s been in years. Show looked fucking fucked in 2006 and this would be the year he’d take time off and come back in 200% better shape. But apart from that, Styles is right.
Someone has a sign that says RVD & SABU ARE INNOCENT. Get Johnnie Cochran, quick. ”If this isn’t his weed, you must let him free!”
Crowd supports RVD with ”marijuana” chants until the sound guy mutes them. Why bother having an ECW event live in Philly then? They brawl into the crowd, with RVD going for a springboard off the guard-rail and Show just pushing him into the unwashed masses. RVD manages to recover after some Big Show punches where he takes twenty second pauses to give Show the springboard guillotine off the apron. We go to break.
When we’re back, RVD is using his springboards to attack Show until he ignores them and superplexes him. That gets a mild ”Holy Shit” chant until Show continues to give RVD the delayed punches and gets a ”boring” chant a minute later. Ah good ol’ Philly. Big Show locks in a bearhug to really mess with the crowd and because he’s knackered. Show goes from bearhug to back-stretch. He’s combo-ing rest-holds, like King from Tekken. RVD eventually counters a big something into a DDT. RVD flies off the top rope AGAIN and Show catches him and dumps him outside. Well he deserved that. Show grabs the steel steps at ringside and does that spot where he holds them up but gets kicked and lands on them, but Show is so blubbery & slow that he immediately ignores taking the move and grabs RVD on a dive again. Huh.
Back in the ring, RVD gets a chair but Big Show choke-slams him for two, Show gets annoyed and tosses the ref. Show lifts RVD for a powerbomb but RVD twats him with the chair like HHH/Undertaker at WMX7. Van Daminator and Five Star Frog Splash but there’s no ref so Heyman runs out like at One Night Stand…to stop counting.
Crowd immediately realises what’s up and chants ”You Sold Out” as Show lamps RVD with a chair and choke-slams him for the pin and the title.
Winner: Big Show (They tried for epic with some of the moves and the length of the match but there was only so much you were going to get from Show at this point. The match and turn looked like what it was: an emergency thanks to RVD’s drug bust. Sadly they had no-one else they could put there instead as Sabu was the only original to get a push but he was busted as well, Randy Orton & Edge had gone back to the main roster and Kurt Angle was gone in a month too. So yeah, of course it was Big Show. He’s BIG.)
The ring fills up with beer and cups which at least gives us a memorable image to end the show on.
And also the highlight of the night:
Overall: A show where Mike Knox, Test and Big Show all win. Like Troll 2, only watch ironically.