Vengeance happened on Sunday and in relevant news: Randy Orton got his pin back on Kurt Angle, Rob Van Dam retained against Edge and John Cena made Sabu tap out in an EXTREEEEEEEME Lumberjack Match. No mention is made of this on this show so you’re welcome.
Reading J.D. Dunn’s review of Vengeance, I noticed this: ”This was one of those, “God, they’re stupid” gaffs that happen from time to time. Edge won a #1 contender’s match with the Big Show for a title shot tonight. Then, they spent the next few weeks hyping that if ECW won the WWE Title, it would become the new ECW Title. Problem. If there’s no WWE Title, then what do you do with Edge? Well, Van Dam has to look like a complete idiot by hanging on to the title for no reason other than to look like a jackass. That’s akin to the Joker tying up Batman, explaining his whole scheme, and then leaving him behind with a bomb instead of just killing him.” Huh. It’s probably best I’m not reviewing Raw as well as ECW or my head would explode.
We’re in Roanoke, Virginia and the commentators are still Tazz & Styles.
Sabu vs. Roadkill (EXTREEEEEEEME Rules)
There’s no intro and we jump immediately into a match. Sabu gives Roadkill a springboard Tornado DDT and tries to set up the Triple Jump Moonsault but Roadkill trips him and gets a two-count from the Barnburner. Sabu tries a dive outside but ends up landing on his face as the commentators defend Sabu with ”ah, that’s our Sabu!”
Roadkill starts giving Sabu his highlight reel which is weird to see until Sabu has enough and gives him a Top Rope Frankensteiner and sends Roadkill through a table with an Atomic Arabian Facebuster. Oh wait, that’s not the end as Roadkill doesn’t tap out to the Camel Clutch so Sabu needs to hit him with a chair a few times before locking it in again for the win.
Winner: Sabu (Sabu matches are perfect for showing how ECW was different to Raw as they feature weapons and people landing on their face. Roadkill got a lot of moves in this match which made no sense for a guy that’s just wrestled Cena on PPV. Oh and there was no mention of that on commentary by the way!)
I can’t see Roadkill without mentioning that according to Nova, Roadkill was suggested by Bruce Prichard to be the guy that wrestled Undertaker at Wrestlemania.
Another shot of the un-named Vampire gurning at the camera in the parking lot then walking away. Never mind the Vampire, why’s there a camera crew in the parking lot? Are they filming the Asylum Film that’s going to play after this show?
Tommy Dreamer vs. Big Show
Big Show beat up Dreamer last week, so Dreamer tells him ”Thank you sir, may I have another?” In hindsight I bet Dreamer wishes his break out ECW moment involved more Beulah and less getting caned. Dreamer goes for Show with Shane McMahon light punches but all it takes is a ”bowling ball headbutt” from Show and we get a repeat of last week with Show giving Dreamer his backbreaker thing and waddling away with no pin. Don’t know if it was a match, but I spent two seconds typing up the names and putting them in bold so I’m leaving it.
The un-named Mike Knox tells Kelly that he likes it when she strips for him, not for other people. Yeah that’s great, who are you?
If Angle beats Rob Van Dam tonight, he gets a title shot at Saturday Night’s Main Event. Angle sees himself as a failure since his loss to Orton and even though he has nothing against Van Dam, he’s going to hurt him until he wishes he could go back in time and pick a different career. I say it every week but Kurt THE WRESTLING MACHINE Angle was money.
Mike Knox vs. Danny Doring
Commentators have fun discussing how to pronounce ”exhibitionist” and then Kelly starts stripping for a random fan at ringside. Knox pushes the guy flat on his arse, causing Kelly to leave in a huff. Knox finishes Doring with Sister Abigail (without the kiss) and that was it.
Winner: Mike Knox (So far it’s clear Kelly has a psychological disorder and Knox is a good guy who is doing his best to help her while juggling the pressures of being a wrestler who only gets named via on-screen graphic.)
After the break it’s time for Kelly’s expose. She was just here, we did her segment already! She strips near the entrance again and Knox interrupts again. No idea why they’d have this the same week as the other segment and even stranger scheduling it immediately afterwards. Knox just wrestled, so presumably he had to wait by the entrance ramp off-camera, dripping in sweat until Kelly got to the correct bit. Styles & Tazz admonish Knox for not letting his girlfriend show off her dangly bits.
Big Dick Johnson is here. He dances and sings until Enter Public Domain kicks in.
Big Dick Johnson vs. The Sandman
Dick strips but Sandman’s pretty open-minded.
Dick makes the mistake of taking Sandman’s beer and pouring it over himself. Cane shots, zoom-in on Dick’s pale arse, end.
Winner: The Sandman (It’s gone from forced-Sci-fi-content to Sandman vs. Vince humour. Next week I’m predicting either a really fat woman or The Easter Bunny.)
Heyman reminds RVD backstage that three-ways aren’t in his favour (meaning him vs Cena vs Edge at the upcoming SNME because HOLY SHIT there was a lot of WWE shows and PPVs in 2006) but Van Dam hand-waves him away. Heyman gets cut off by the production team which has to be another rib on him.
Edge & Lita arrive at the arena and take two fan’s front row seats (played by Brad Attitude and Solomon Spades. The fans, not the seats).
Back from break (Don’t miss Jolly Roger: Massacre at Cutter’s Cove, only on Sci-Fi!) Tazz interviews Edge but it’s all ”I do what I want” and not worth typing up. The interesting thing is Edge’s shirt, covered in blood and spunk.
Kurt Angle vs. Rob Van Dam
RVD defended the WWE Title against Cena last night but Edge interfered as he wants the title. So if Angle wins, the three-way at SNME gets turned into a four-way. RVD still has both titles btw. Angle has the advantage to begin with as kids loudly chant ”We Want Cena!” RVD sends Angle away with a monkey flip but Angle’s a WRESTLING MACHINE and takes him to the mat. RVD tries a jump off the top rope but Angle pushes him off and we go to break.
Angle has him in a chinlock as the kids are still chanting for Cena. Angle sends RVD over with a belly-to-belly and resumes mat work, which has been lengthy so far which is why this review is so limited. It’s not the exciting mat-work from One Night Stand, it’s ”Angle puts him in an arm-bar and doesn’t move for a minute.” Styles gets a joke in about Tazz not used to a commentary partner that knows the names of wrestling holds, but two minutes before that he was talking about how great Big Dick Johnson was so he can get to fuck. RVD tries to get out of the arm-bar by getting to the corner but Angle gives him a German. And now he goes to a Camel Clutch. Eventually RVD levels the playing field with a spinning kick and they go shot-for-shot with European Uppercuts and kicks until Angle counters with a Cradle Suplex. Angle tries for a Ankle Lock but can’t get it so he German Suplexes him and then tries it. RVD kicks him in the jaw for two. RVD tries the leaping Sidekick but it gets countered to the Ankle Lock. Looked better in theory. It’s a Kurt match so they kick it into Third Gear (well going by the pace of the rest of the match, Second Gear) as Angle evades Rolling Thunder and tries another Ankle Lock but RVD kicks him off and lands a Split Legged Moonsault for two. Angle plays possum off a kick so he can Spider-man Suplex RVD off the top. THE STRAPS ARE DOWN as Angle tries for The Angle Slam but RVD switches it into a DDT. Five Star Frog Splash and that’s it.
Winner: Rob Van Dam (Two thirds of the match were slow and unexciting and it took them a while when they sped up to get some chemistry together. Like I typed before, this was a better match on paper than on TV. I think Angle was waiting for the Cena fans to stop but they never did.)
Edge applauds, pretends to leave then gives RVD a spear to end the show.
Overall: This show was like Edge’s shirt, full of blood and spunk but instead of blood there was just more spunk.
Highlight: Roadkill was considered to wrestle The Undertaker at Wrestlemania.