Heyman’s 99th invasion of Raw is recapped with an un-named big titted vampire reading tarot cards (so you know you’re watching the Sci-Fi Channel). RVD gave Edge a Five Star Frog Splash and Sabu put Cena through the announce table so it’s RVD & Angle vs. Orton & Edge.
We’re in Albany, NY with Joey Styles & Tazz commentating. One of these men got slapped by Rob Van Dam and the other one KO’d JBL.
Sabu vs. Tony Mamaluke (with Trinity)
Sabu is wrestling Cena at Vengeance and they show a still of Cena’s face from Monday.
On Sabu’s YouShoot he talked about how Cena got pissed at him for giving him a black eye, but Sabu said it was his fault for not listening to him and sitting up as he was flying at him rather than laying down.
Anyway, he’s wrestling Mamaluke who was born to be a jobber. He makes Dolph Ziggler look like Mil Mascaras. Tazz mentions if you want to see women you go to Raw if you want DIvas you watch Smackdown and if you want VIXENS you come to ECW. Everything gets branded, even the two women/divas/vixens/tarot-card readers with big tits. Mamaluke is surprisingly dominant until Sabu gets his flying springboard leg. Sabu uses a chair to give Mamaluke a triple-jump-plancha to the outside and sets up a table. Mamaluke places a chair on Sabu and dives off the top rope, but Sabu throws the chair at him which then flies down to earth and hits Sabu in the most Sabu-y spot you’ll ever see.
Tazz: ”That’s what makes Sabu Sabu!”
Sabu places Mamaluke on the table outside, casually jumps through it, tosses Mamaluke in for a slingshot legdrop and makes him tap out via Camel Clutch.
Winner: Sabu (Not a perfect squash match but it was perfect for Sabu. The commentators were on the verge of cracking up at the ridiculousness of Sabu’s offence, especially the sudden table dive. It really sold you on the idea of ”It’s Sabu vs. Cena on PPV, what in the living fuck is going to happen?”)
Kelly Kelly: ”I’m an exhibitionist! I was so nervous last week that I couldn’t get off my bra!” Real dialogue delivered by someone who sounds like they’d struggle to pour water out of a boot if the instructions were printed on the heel /cornette
On my taped copy of this there’s an advert for Sci-Fi Channel’s Android Apocalypse (starring Jericho) which has a 9% rating and 357 votes on Rotten Tomatoes. It really puts Sci-Fi channel fans in a bad light when you hear some of them were up in arms over wrestling been added to this channel. ”ECW ruins the integrity of Scarecrow Slayer!”
Backstage interview with your ECW & WWE champ RVD and I know it’s easy to type ”he’s high” but he saves me the trouble by saying ”I need to get rolling, if you know what I mean” to zero reaction because the crowd is 70% kids waiting for Smackdown to start.
Big Show vs. Tommy Dreamer
Brand New Sin are in the crowd. Oh. Dreamer tells Show he was dominant last week but if he wants to feel the HEART and the PASSION of ECW you’d gotta go through him. Dreamer’s made a career of having the shit kicked out of him so he slaps Big Show. Show beats him with all the enthusiasm Show in 2006 can muster. He finishes with the cobra-clutch backbreaker but holds on for a choke afterwards. Show then waddles off without properly finishing him and the camera cuts to Dreamer smiling.
Winner: Big Show, I guess (The more Tommy Dreamer’s in pain, the more the crowd love him. Big Show is still big).
Advert for D-X reuniting at Vengeance to wrestle the Spirit Squad. Which means Ziggler was a PPV headliner in 2006.
Another shot of the un-named vampire making noises outside the arena as Tazz tries to remain positive whilst sounding like he’s going to explode with laughter.
The Sandman vs. Macho Libre
It’s Sandman squashing another weird character, but this one’s not sci-fi but is (gasp) surprisingly relevant for 2006. It’s former ECW Baldie Tony Devito doing a luchadore/Randy Savage thing and it’s actually amusing. ”Livin’ la Vida Loca! Livin…la vida…loca. Yeah! Say everything twice, say…everything…twice. Oh Yeah!” complete with hand-gestures. Tazz & Styles finally get the laughter out of their system that’s been building in them since the Sabu match and Sandman’s shitty music hits. The producers have the sense to fit a in-picture promo as he makes his way through the crowd. Libre tries some more Savage impressions but Sandman canes him and finishes him with the White Russian Leg Drop.
Styles: ”Sandman says goodbye to this big pile of Sports Entertainment!”
Winner: The Sandman (I laughed at Nacho Libre and I laughed hard at Joey Styles insulting the gimmick on the same show he has to sell a vampire and Kelly Kelly. They’re still treading water with Sandman but he’s wrestling sober so squash matches are probably the best thing for him.)
Heyman (still wearing that hat and big leather jacket indoors) is told backstage that Cena has arrived. When we return from break, Heyman has the locker room (nearly all wearing ECW shirts on and looking like the jobberiest jobbers to ever job) until Cena walks in. Heyman has to hold Sabu back as Cena cuts a promo. Cena invites as many ECW guys as they like to come to the PPV match and makes the Vengeance match an EXTREME Lumberjack Match. Cena doesn’t mind a fight, he just wants to look it in the face. Sabu accepts (he shouts ”yearrhh!!!”). Cena looked Vic Mackey cool in this segment, walking into enemy territory by himself and calling out the scariest guy.
It’s time for Kelly to strip. Commentators are quiet, I assume Styles was staring at an old photo of himself from 1997. Just when it looked like Kelly Kelly was going to uncup her breasts, the un-named Mike Knox shows up and throws a sheet over her. Crowd boos but you can probably hear one old-school ECW fan shout ”hey this is just Marc Mero and Sable” if you turn the volume up.
Really naff generic promo for Test’s return. Test AND Mike Knox on one show? E-C-DUB, E-C-DUB.
Edge & Randy Orton vs. Rob Van Dam & Kurt Angle
Styles: ”This’ll be the first time Edge & Orton have been tag team partners.” It won’t last. Lights dim on the crowd as soon as the teams are in the ring, which is weird. Angle goes for the Angle lock immediately as Tazz gets his only mention of A NEW BREED UNLEASHED tonight. RVD & Orton in and RVD wastes no time throwing his kicks and giving him a leaping sidekick while he’s crotched on the ropes. He follows with an apron moonsault, which looks pretty but Orton regains control instantly so eh. Edge in and Lita holds the ropes down so RVD crashes and burns which is fore-shadowing if I ever saw it.
We’re back from adverts and RVD is being beaten on. Edge launches him out of the ring and he lands like a pile of shit. Orton and the second best dropkick in WWE (No-one beats Hardcore Holly) but it’s not enough to keep Dam down and he tags in Angle who German Suplexes everybody and tries for the submission on Orton. Edge pulls Orton to safety so Angle goes to kill Edge so Orton has to save HIM. Nice sequence with the WRESTLING MACHINE. Edge & Orton have worked like a team rather than Angle & RVD who have wrestled like two guys on the same side of the apron. It’s the little touches, like Orton grabbing Angle by the feet so Edge can hit him. Doesn’t help them though as RVD is a house on fire (or at least smoking) and lobs a chair at Orton. Edge sends him flying to the announce table which lets Angle get the Ankle Lock in. Lita tries to save with a title-shot but Angle gives her the Angle Slam. This just lets Orton sneak in and give Angle a RKO (Styles: ”Dammit!”) but Orton poses because he’s Orton so RVD kicks with the non-chair Van Daminator. RVD goes for Rolling Thunder but Edge kicks him in mid-air and that demands a GIF.
Edge tries for the spear but elbows him before he connects like Bald Bull in Punch-Out, which is enough for the Five Star Frog Splash and win.
Styles: ”No-one gets higher than Rob Van Dam!”
Winners: Rob Van Dam & Kurt Angle (RVD looked like a guy who could do cool moves, Orton looked like a prick, Angle looked like a WRESTLING MACHINE and Edge looked like the ultimate opportunist. The closing minutes were one, long sequences of smooth wrestling. Definitely the best thing so far on this show.)
A lot better than last week, that’s for sure. Vengeance is Sunday so next week we’ll see how an event that sold 6,800 tickets to an arena that holds 20,000 went.
Highlight: Jericho in the advert for Android Apocalypse.