This has nothing to do with the WWE
There’s only one week left until BODMania III! That means we’re down to one….welcome to the final BOD Raw before the granddaddy of them all!
There’s the music of AndyPG! He strides the ring, looking confident.
AndyPG: At BODMania III, I finally get the shot I worked for all year! And finally, finally, I get to do something that I’ve wanted to do for a long time; I finally get the chance to bring down the crown jewel of Biff Kensington’s empire, the BOD World title. There’s so much going on right now in my mind, but I can’t help but be focused on the task at hand, because there’s two things going on here; what I want for me, and what the BOD NEEDS! For months now, Biff Kensington has been paying people off, resorting to underhanded tactic after underhanded tactic to keep his precious titles. And that ends at BODMania! Myself, Kbjone, Strike Force, Stranger in the Alps, Robert Davis; we don’t all like each other. Hell, I spent the better part of a few months getting a chair to the head from Kb. I didn’t forget that. But we’re part of a larger purpose than ourselves. We’re part of something bigger. And I can’t help but feel that it’s all been leading to this, I can’t help but feel there’s something bigger going on here. I’m doing this for everyone who fell to Kensington this year, and when I’m done, I’m walking out with the BOD World Title!
And there’s Kensington Enterprises! Notably again missing the World Champion Hoss, Biff leads his charges to the top of the ramp.
Biff: AndyPG. After next week, you can go back to being the obscure white knight you were before. You can go back to being turned on by everyone you cared about.
AndyPG: Where’s the big man, Biff? Did he slip the leash again?
Biff: Cute. See, Andy, you mentioned your biggest problem; you’ve got a motley crew of guys that hate each other trying to take down the single most focused unit in BOD history! No group has EVER held all the titles like Kensington, and there’s a reason for that – we take care of each other! We make sure that each man has the other’s back, and nowhere is that going to be more apparent than tonight and at BODMania III. I understand that the main event tonight is you against the A+ champion, this man, Extant1979! (Extant steps forward and holds up his title) I’d say that we’ll see you then, Andy, but I get the feeling that we might see you before then, son. (Biff laughs) Just like we saw one of your little crew earlier.
Biff points up at the BODTron, and we see footage from the parking lot earlier in the day. Matthew Maynard Adams comes roaring into a parking space, and all of a sudden, we hear the sounds of car doors slamming and Kensington pounces! Adams fights off Curtzerker, but Extant and Jef Vinson manage to subdue him with a crowbar! Shots to Adams as we hear Vinson yell at him. “HORSEMEN style, you giant ape! Let’s see you make some fucking salads now, you prick!” They open up the car door and SLAM it on his hand! Again! A THIRD time! But they’re not done! Extant holds him down as Curtzerker comes back in and dumps Adams’ motorcycle onto his prone body on the concrete! Security is trying to pull Kensington off as Adams lies clutching his hand while Jef Vinson comes up to him. “You never should have come back! You don’t know who you’re dealing with! I’m JEF VINSON!”
Back in the ring, Andy looks slightly shaken as Biff chuckles.
Biff: One down, PG. Watch yourself tonight. We may not be able to contain ourselves.
Let’s go back to Canada where PrimeTime Ten, the Pride of Canada, is at his cabin while Cuppie is held hostage.
(In the background, we hear the TV, which is set to debut the newest French-Canadian sitcom “Guy, the Irregular French Canadian Guy.” We then hear the TV announcer quickly plug the show: “All of Guy’s friends like poutine but he likes fruit cup. Guy, the Irregular French Canadian Guy, next on CBC!”)
PrimeTime Ten: Now Cuppie, if you do not finish your Mr. Sub, you will not get to enjoy Guy, the Irregular French Canadian Guy. Time to eat (Lifts up the rancid chicken salad sub while Cuppie is tied in a chair with the masked mounties holding shock sticks. Cuppie resists briefly but then gets a mouthful of that Mr. Sub goodness).
PrimeTime Ten: And since that is done, Mister E Mahn, I turn my focus back to you. In two weeks, at BoD Mania III, your days as the Canadian Dream will end! No more will the proud people of Canada have to listen to a failure like yourself proclaim himself as a dream. Only the Alexandre Daigle’s of our proud country should look up to yourself. I am Wayne Gretzky! (raises up his own Stanley Cup). You are Alexandre Daigle! (Points at himself) Wayne Gretzky! (Points at Cuppie) Alexandre Daigle! And at BoD Mania III, I will remove Alexandre Daigle not only from the BoD but also our proud Nation! (Goes over to Cuppie and wheels him in front of the TV) See Cuppie, after BoD Mania, you can do the Windsor Wheelchair Waltz with your loser friend as you watch Guy, the Irregular French Canadian Guy!” HA HA HA HA HA (The camera fades away as we hear the shock sticks go off in the background).
In the ring stand Tommy Hall and his manager, Biff Kensington III. Biff has something to say:
“My client, Tommy Hall, is a machine. He does not take time off for vacation, he does not mysteriously disappear. Every day, he shows up and is on time. No one else can match my client, including a washed-up, formerly retired man. The man who your grandma swoons over is not capable of taking the coveted BoD Writer’s Title away from my client, Tommy Hall. So, as my client disposes of his next opponent, I want all of you to close your eyes right now and open them up, thinking this is Stranger in the Alps, because this is exactly what will happen when the Strange man steps into the ring with my client!”
Tommy “The Machine” Hall w/ Biff Kensington vs. Ioan Morris
The match starts as Tommy works a headlock. Ioan fights out and they work an Irish whip sequence that ends with Ioan hitting a leg lariat. Ioan ducks a clothesline and hits a dropkick as Tommy rolls outside and re-groups with his manager. Tommy is back inside and stalls for a bit. Biff is up on the apron as Ioan chases him off. Tommy tries a sneak attack but that fails as Ioan hits some chops in the corner. Ioan tries a corner splash but Tommy moves away as Ioan crashes on the mat. Tommy puts the boots to Ioan then drags him out while hitting a Vader Bomb for a nearfall. Tommy hits a backbreaker then works a camel’s clutch as the crowd rallies behind Ioan. Tommy breaks the hold and drops an elbow as Biff taunts the crowd, reminding them that this is what will happen to Stranger at BoD Mania III. Tommy attempts another elbow but Ioan rolls away. Ioan attempts to mount a comeback but runs into a back elbow smash then Tommy locks on the Million ebook Dollar Dream for the win. A laughing Biff brings over an ebook dollar for Tommy to stuff in Ioan’s mouth but the lights go off as the spotlight hits the stage. The elderly women all scoot their way up front as its him, the Stranger in the Alps! He has something to say:
“You know what, I felt pretty good today when I woke up. Had some cereal, a glass of juice, and went on my way to work. Sure, I dont have a closer on my fantasy baseball team but I have a positive attitude and can land one via trade. And you know what I did? I set up meetings across four different multimedia platforms. Then, I came here, I saw the kids and the grandparents, or someone else’s grandparents, but that does not matter as you two are not what represents a champion. A champion is not about ebook sales or throwback jerseys, its about giving opportunity. Its about getting others to strive to be like yourself. The Little Strangers do not look up to those like yourself and at BoD Mania, I am going to take back the BoD Writer’s Title, take it back to the people and I will throw back your ebook dollars, which last I heard were not a form of legitimate currency, as honor and prestige will reign across the BoD! (Stranger leaves as Tommy and Biff are seething)”
Wade Michael is in the back with Kbjone, standing as far away from him as possible.
Wade: Kbjone, at BODMania III, your war with Extant will end one way or the other in a no-holds barred match! Now that the moment is almost here, do you have any strategies you’re willing to share with us about this match, and do you have a reaction to the attack on Matthew Maynard Adams earlier today?
Kbjone: Wade, my dear friend, let me explain something to you. If you think that a Kwijibo like Adams is going to be taken out by those pussies like that, well, all I can say is that Vinson better have his medical insurance paid up for BODMania. As for Extant, well, I feel as though I’ve said my piece on him, so I’ll leave it with this; the man is smart, no doubt. But everyone’s brain looks the same once it’s taken enough chairshots, you know? I’m taking that belt, Wade.
Wade: Well, on that topic, we’ve been seeing vignettes involving a mysterious wrestler known only as CAPSLOCKMAN lately. I understand that you’ve had some recent exchanges with him. Is he a threat to you, especially if you become the champ?
Kbjone: When I become the champ, Wade. When.
Wade: (eyeing the chair that Kbjone has just raised to attack position) Uh, sure. When you become the champ.
Kbjone grins and ruffles Wade’s hair.
Kbjone: That’s the spirit! Now then, as for the guy you call CAPSLOCKMAN, I’ll say this; he doesn’t seem that bright. I mean, you can turn off your caps lock button by pressing it, you know? So why is he this way? I can only assume that he’s a little light in the head, if you know what I mean. But I’ll lay it out for you; Wade, if that moron wants to come after me, I’ll be ready and waiting for him. With the A+ title in hand. And a chair in hand. My hands will be full!
He rears back to swing and Wade yelps and dives for safety, but Kbjone lowers it and laughs.
Kbjone: Wade, come on! I don’t do that anymore!
He reaches down to help a shaken Wade up…..but the cameraman smashes the camera into his face! The cameraman takes off his mask – it’s Extant! He’s all over Kbjone, smashing him over and over with the chair, and Curtzerker have joined in the beatdown! Extant points to his brain, as his plan has worked to perfection. “Get him up, get him up!” Extant gets in kbjone’s face. “You will NEVER take my title, you lowlife miscreant! You’re an embarrassment!” Extant rears back, but Kbjone just SPIT in his face! Extant has a look of fury on his face and he tells Curtzerker to hold him up….straight chairshot to the face of Kbjone! “Don’t worry about CAPSLOCKMAN, you won’t even be able to wrestle me when I cripple you!” He hoists the prone body of Kbjone up…..he wouldn’t…..PETUKA BAZOOKA to Kbjone! He BOUNCED off the floor on that one! The refs flood in to cover up Kbjone as Extant stands up and kicks some dirt on the prone body of Kb as he walks away, laughing with Curtzerker.
In the back, AndyPG is walking when he gets tapped on the shoulder. He whirls around fists up….it’s Abeyance!
Abeyance: Now you see, Andy. You see that this world isn’t meant for you, is it? The man who wants justice; the man who espouses fairness. Now your allies are falling to the wayside, aren’t they? Just like we fell apart when Vinson played us. (He gets into Andy’s face) I learned from you, Andy. I learned by watching you and realizing that it’s all a farce, all a divine comedy of sorts! It should have been ME, AndyPG! But don’t worry, Andy.
Abeyance begins to walk away, whistling a jaunty tune. Over his shoulder, we hear him say to Andy “A reckoning is coming, AndyPG. A reckoning for the forgotten, my friend.”
Curtzerker vs. Diddly & Sir Facts
This match is joined in progress. Diddly has Williams in an armbar as the HUSS section is HUSSING louder than ever. Biff distracts the ref as the Berzerker drills Diddly with a forearm. Berzerker tags as we get ten mounted HUSSES in the corner, while the HUSS section chants along. Curtzerker stays in control until Diddly dodges an attack by Williams and makes the tag! Sir Facts runs wild. He dropkicks the Berzerker off of the apron as the crowd boos. Biff is on the apron but Diddly knocks him off. Diddly flies out with a plancha but Berzerker boots him in midair and that amps up the HUSS section. Back inside, Berzerker tags as Williams hits a backbreaker. Berzerker then connects with a HUSS RUSH and that ends up getting the win. After the match, their BoD Mania opponents, Strike Force, stand on the ramp and stare down the team that almost broke them up for good.
Backstage, “Happening” Harry Broadhurst is with Wade Michael Meltzer.
Wade: Harry, the rumors are swirling that you will be defending the C-List Title the BoD RAW after BoD Mania III against the winner of the Officer Farva Memorial Battle Royal
Harry: Harry Fact #222, Harry is a great ring announcer. Harry Fact #1,223, Harry never once was late in returning a movie to Blockbuster Video and Harry Fact #2, it doesnt matter who Harry faces because Harry Fact #1 is that Harry……………………never……………….does…………………the………………….JOB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Biscuit stumbles in backstage)
Biscuit: What the hell are you two looking at? Did Lou send you here?
Wade: Biscuit, its me, Wade-
Biscuit: I do not want to know your spy name. I’m here to work, dammit! (Biscuit stumbles off as Wade and Harry are baffled).
Back in the Kensington War Room, Biff is pacing nervously. Curtis comes up to him.
Curtis: Nothing yet, boss.
Biff: Well find him, damnit! I can’t get in the ring with that maniac, I just can’t.
Curtis: We’ll find him. Davis and Stackhouse always pick weird places to hang out, but no one is holding back any information at this point. They’re all afraid of us.
Biff: They should be! When you find him, don’t stop until he’s in a coma! Take out that big goof Stackhouse too, you never know what they have planned.
Extant comes over.
Extant: That beatdown on Kbjone was exerting enough that I can cut short my stretching! What a glorious trouncing that was. (He notices Biff pacing) I assume that the whereabouts of Davis and Stackhouse have yet to be obtained, Biff?
Biff: No! And that’s not all; Hoss has been MIA since last Tuesday. I posted his bail after he got charged for assaulting the Baskins Robbins employee for not filling up his bowl enough, and he disappeared. I have no idea where he is.
Curtis: Yeah, I heard about that. I’m not sure partial paralysis is the correct response to a lack of sprinkles, you know?
Extant: Well, Biff, we all know what we have to do at this point. The man is out of control, and it’s time to consider-
Biff: I know, I know. We’ll talk about it. Get that camera out of here! And find Robert Davis!
The Job Mob are in the ring. Jobber takes the mic and looks sad:
Jobber: To all my Job Mobsters, I apologize. This year, I will not be performing at BoD Mania III. You see, I have beat everyone and no one here is over enough for a big pay day, I mean up to the standards that I hold myself against. There is no one-
(Cultstatus comes out)
Cultstatus: (Laughs) So, no one has beat you? I recall beating you for the BoD Title at the first BoD Mania two years ago.
Jobber: (Job Mob behind him shocked and angry) About that, I talked to our fearless leader, Bobby Bayless, and got that expunged from the record books.
Cultstatus: Oh yeah. Well, at BoD Mania III, how about we go at it again, and this time, my win will be in your record book.
Jobber: I find that all amusing, really. However-
(Bobby Bayless wanders out, sipping on some Mountain Dew)
Bobby: (To Jobber) Hi-ya, pal! Guess what I just did! I made you a BoD Mania III match against Cultstatus! You are going to face him in an IronMan Match because you told me you liked that movie and you will win!
Jobber: (Shocked, but trying to use the right words with Bobby) Well………..ya, Bobby, I do like that movie.
Cultstatus: Oh, its a great movie. And I’m sure that the match will be even better (Cult smiles and leaves as Bobby gives Jobber a thumbs up)
Wade is in the back with AndyPG.
Wade: Andy, I have to ask-
Andy: Wait a second, Wade.
Andy goes behind the cameraman and checks him out, then nods and returns to the interview.
Andy: Had to be sure.
Wade: I can’t blame you there. So, tonight has seen both Kbjone and Matthew Maynard Adams fall at the hands of Kensington. They seem to be on a mission to stop you all before you get to BODMania. Are you at all nervous about your match tonight?
Andy: Wade, I’d be lying if I said that I wasn’t looking over my shoulder every ten seconds tonight. But it’s been that way since I became the #1 contender, and no matter what, I plan to see this through tonight. If Kensington wants to come down, they can come on down to that ring.
Wade: Also noticeable is the absence of Hoss tonight. Do you have any comment on the whereabouts of the World Champion?
Andy: I have no idea where he is, Wade. And I’m not going looking for him, I’m staying focused. Extant tonight, Hoss at BODMania III. That’s all that I’m thinking about.
Wade: And what about Abeyance? That’s the second time he’s confronted you about your World Title shot. Any comment there?
Andy: Wade, Abeyance DID get screwed by Kensington and Vinson. And no one is more painfully aware of that than I am. If I win the World Title, he gets his shot. He’s earned it.
Wade: Thanks for your time, And-
Out of nowhere, Tommy Hall comes flying at AndyPG! Andy’s ready, though, and he ducks a beltshot from the Writer’s Champ and fires back with a roaring elbow! Tommy hits the ground, stars in his eyes. Andy looks down, shrugs, and continues on his way.
Jef Vinson is up in his personal skybox with his valet. Let’s hear what he has to say!
Vinson: No one is more conscious of injustice than I am, BOD. I tried to teach these men, to mold their minds with my teachings, the knowledge of the GREATEST BOD champion of all time! But these men betrayed me. AndyPG, Abeyance, Adams – you don’t know what you’ve done. (He chuckles) Well, Adams might have realized it earlier today. Let me make something perfectly clear, BOD – my business arrangement with Biff doesn’t mean that I like him. I do what needs to be done to make sure that I am kept in the lifestyle that I’ve become….accustomed to.
Vinson’s valet slowly slides down out of frame as Jef smiles.
Vinson: At BODMania III, if Adams bothers to show up, I will finish the job we started today on that freak. And then, AndyPG, I’m coming for you. Well….(he smiles downward)….perhaps not FOR you, my old friend. But don’t misunderstand me, Andy; BODMania is only the beginning….of your end. The end of your brush….with Vinson. Cut the camera.
At BoD RAW, the Anchor Cheese sponsorship will be on the line. Lets hear from the competitors:
DBSM: Maude! Make sure the cat is all feed and you are all tucked in bed because daddy is coming home with the cheese………..and tell your co-workers not to open up their email as that was meant for you, bay-bay!! HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Kaptain Kiwi (uses the dreaded Garea Death Scare but does not speak).
Time for our main event of the evening! Extant1979 makes his way to the ring, accompanied by Biff and Curtzerker. Still no sign of Hoss, and we have word that Tommy Hall is still recovering from that elbow he took from Andy. It took a doctor more than hour to get to him, apparently that e-book insurance isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Kensington stands arrayed in the ring, waiting. And there he is! The #1 contender for the BOD World Title, AndyPG, walks to the top of the ramp, taping his fists and surveying the scene in the ring as Curtzerker holds open the ropes for him. He shrugs and starts walking towards the ring, as Extant tells everyone to clear out. Andy gets in, and we’re ready to go!
AndyPG vs Extant1979
They circle and lockup, and Andy gains the early advantage as they trade holds. Andy starts working on the arm of Extant, who takes a quick powder outside the ring. He’s back in now, and here we go again, with Andy once again getting a wristlock and trying to turn it into an armbar then down to the mat for a cross-armbreaker, but Extant makes the ropes and rolls out again. Andy can’t give chase, as Kensington surrounds him while he recovers. Extant rolls back in at the count of 7 and they lockup again, but Extant goes to the eyes. Extant with the beatdown now, methodically taking Andy apart, as he seems to want to focus on the leg. Dragon-screw into a kneecrusher and now Extant is in a groove. He stomps on the knee and poses as Andy is in pain on the mat. Biff has a sick smile on his face. Texas Cloverleaf by Extant on Andy as Andy reaches for the ropes…he’s almost got it…but Williams has jumped on the apron and is distracting the ref! Andy makes the bottom rope, but the ref didn’t see it as Extant pulls Andy back into the middle of the ring. Will Andy tap? He raises his hand, but shakes his head and tries to bridge out….and he finally does! Extant slams the mat in frustration and goes to apply the hold again, but Andy small packages him for two! Extant kicks out and DDTs Andy to put him down again. Extant is apparently ready to end this as he heads to the top rope….moonsault misses as Andy rolls out of the way! Andy hops up one leg as Extant also shakes it off and gets to his feet. Extant charges, but Andy stops him COLD with a palm strike! Extant looked like he took that flush! The crowd roars for Andy as he props Extant up in the corner and lays into him with chops! Andy’s on a roll….but Biff has seen enough and Curtzerker hits the ring for the DQ.
All of Kensington is in now and they’re showing no mercy to Andy, triple-teaming him. But wait, from the crowd…it’s Archie Stackhouse and Robert Davis! With no clue as to where they’ve been, they’re in now and it’s 3 on 3! The faces turn the tide, but from the back, here comes the Kensington reinforcements as Vinson and Tommy Hall are out to give Biff’s team the advantage back! The beating continues until Kbjone stumbles out of the back with his chair and he’s heading straight for Extant! He’s clearly hurt but he makes a go of it before Extant kicks the chair back into his face and takes him down. Biff is directing traffic as Vinson now is choking Davis in the corner….but there’s Adams! He’s got a cast on his fingers but he’s angry and Kensington looks worried as Adams hits the ring and gives Williams an ADAMSMASHER! He looks around for Vinson, but that gives Berzerker the chance to plaster him with a chairshot as we’ve got a MASH unit going on in the ring. Kensington seems to have the advantage….but that’s the sound of an Ice Cream Truck!
HOSS IS HERE! He crashes out from behind the BODTron with an Ice Cream Truck, still eating pints as he drives! It’s complete anarchy as Kensington eyes their World Champ with some apprehension from the ring, until Extant hops out of the ring and goes over to Hoss; he seems to be yelling at Hoss, who’s nodding…..Hoss GRABS EXTANT! PANTS-SHITTER TO EXTANT ON THE FLOOR! Kensington is shocked in the ring as Andy rallies the troops and now they’re on the offensive as Hoss gets in the ring….wait! Hoss grabs Davis, PANTS-SHITTER to Robert Davis! Then one for Curtis! Then one for Stackhouse, and another for Kbjone! Tommy Hall tries to stop him, but his pants get shit on just like everyone else! Hoss is destroying everyone! Adams is staggering to his feet and he shows no fear to Hoss, but Hoss is on a rampage and he counters the Adamsmasher into a Pants-Shitter on Adams! Everyone is down….except for AndyPG! He and Hoss go chest to chest, Hoss looking down at him curiously….Hoss extends the hand! AndyPG looks like he’s thinking about it, but AndyPG can’t refuse a handshake, can he? Andy considers, then shakes Hoss’s hand! Hoss shakes it vigorously….and hoists him up! PANTS-SHITTER to AndyPG! Everyone is down except for the World Champion, and he wants a mic!
Hoss: HOSS LOVE ICE CREAM. (He stares down at the carnage in the ring) I’m keeping my title, and no one is going to help me do it! AndyPG, you want this? (He pats the title over his shoulder) See you at BODMania III!
The last scene we see as we fade out is the World Champ, posing with his belt as he is surrounded by human carnage scattered everywhere. Hoss is ready….are you?
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR BODMANIA III!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!