BoD Fastlane

This has nothing to do with the WWE

Back in the Kensington War Room, Biff and Extant are in the corner.

Extant: I don’t like it. What right does that ice cream addicted buffoon have to put MY A+ title on the line? Damnit, Biff, I’m a champion! (Lowering his voice) I told you, it should have been me as the World Champ.

Biff: I don’t have an answer for you. You know that sometimes Hoss goes a little off the reservation. But he beat Kbjone last month, so he should be able to do it again.

Extant: He beat him with MY help! And he signed this contract on behalf of Kensington Enterprises! Your lawyers didn’t even look at it! How does that happen, Biff? Have you lost control of that idio-

Hoss wanders over, ice cream all over his face.

Hoss: HOSS LOVE ICE CREAM! (He claps Extant on the shoulder) Ready for tonight, partner? I know this is what we need to get back on the same page as teammates!

Biff: Hoss, I-

Hoss: Biff, Biff, don’t worry! I’ve got this! Me and Extant are going to tear apart Kbjone and his mystery partner!

Extant: Just like Petuka, right?

Extant and Biff laugh, while Hoss looks confused.

Hoss: What about Petuka?

Extant and Biff stop laughing.

Biff: Nothing, Hoss, nothing. Any word on Kbjone’s partner? All of my sources are coming up empty.

Extant: I tried, but nothing. Frankly, who would want to team with him? If he wins, he gets a shot at my title, but they don’t get a thing. Who would risk it?

Biff: Well, we’ll find out. Get some stretching done, I want you guys ready out there to defend Kensington. We’re the best, damnit!

Hoss: Damn right! (Pause) What about Petuka?

Biff and Extant walk away slowly as Hoss looks confused.



“Pride of Canada” PrimeTime Ten & DBSM w/ The Posse vs. “Canadian Dream” Mister E Mahn & Kaptain Kiwi

PTT holds up his personal Stanley Cup up high for all to see while screaming “I’m the Pride of Canada!” At ringside, the Brothers Garea are sitting near The Posse and there is Bad Blood everywhere. Cuppie is still held hostage by the two masked Mounties in a log cabin somewhere in Canada. The match starts as DBSM mixes it up with the Canadian Dream. The Posse cheers on from ringside as DBSM takes control after a thumb to the eye. DBSM tries a suplex but Mahn floats over and hits a leg lariat. Kiwi tags and heads over to DBSM, who scurries over to his partner and makes the tag. PTT proudly proclaims that he is the Pride of Canada as he is met with the Garea Stare, courtesy of Kaptain Kiwi. PTT charges but Kiwi ducks and comes back with a crossbody for two. He goes for the jumping side headlock takeover and hits that but Mark Linn-Baker trips him up. PTT drops an elbow then works over Kiwi in the corner as DBSM tags in and yells “this is for you, Maude!” as he stomps a mudhole in Kiwi. DBSM and his partner are using quick tags to cut off the ring. DBSM is now up top but misses a splash as both men are down. PTT tags in but Kiwi is able to make the tag. PTT points and yells “Alexandre Daigle” at Mahn, who comes back swinging. Mahn cleans house as he hits the Brampton Backbreaker and the deadly Gatineau Gutbuster. Kiwi tags back in and sends DBSM to the floor with a clothesline. DBSM is met by the Posse as they completely circle him. The Posse break huddle as Mahn bounces off of the ropes but Steve Decker and Harvey Grant pull the ropes down. DBSM has something in his hands as he rolls inside. Kiwi heads over put DBSM sprayed something in his face as the referee was distracted by Jamiroquai! Kiwi is on the mat in agony as DBSM covers and gets the win!!!!! DBSM rolls out and celebrates with the Posse as the camera zooms in and reveals……………………….NABISCO EASY CHEESE!!!!!!!!!!! DBSM then looks at the camera, points at the can, and says “an inferior cheese for an inferior individual” before pulling out a can of Anchor Cheese as The Posse stands behind him and they are yell in unison: “The superior cheese for a superior individual!” as PTT pops in and yells that he is the pride of Canada while holding up his own, personal Stanley Cup. The Brothers Garea look on in anger from the stands as the Canadian Dream helps remove the spray cheese from Kiwi’s face.



And now, lets check in at the American Legion in Robbinsdale, MN with Biscuit and the gang

Donny: (Walks in eating an orange) Hey, how are you all today

Eddy: (Elated) Donny! How have ya been!!! How’s the Orange?

Donny: Fantastic, got them at Almsted’s Fresh Market

Eddy: Really! My wife got some at the Hy-Vee

Donny: Well, get them at Almsted’s

Biscuit: I dont need any fucking oranges, Eddy. I need another Boilermaker!

Eddy: Hold on, Biscuit. That’s going to be your 12th today. And its not even 2pm.

Biscuit: Well I cant work so what else can I do. 

Eddy: Gimme a second (Calls someone on the phone). Hello, Dorothy. Return the oranges at Hy-Vee and get them at Almsted’s. Donny said them Hy-Vee oranges ain’t worth a shit. What! (Whining) I wanna eat what Donny does!!!!!!! Dammit!!!!! (Hangs up the phone)

(Door shuts)

Bobby Macinanti: Oh, so you want to eat what Donny does, huh. Try your wife’s box because that motherfucker has been sleeping with every married broad in town!

Donny: Whoa! I never fucked anyone’s wife. Especially your’s, Bobby……………..cause that bitch exceeds my maximum weight capacity (Laughs to himself)

Bobby: I’ll fucking kill you

Biscuit: Where’s my Boilermaker, Eddy. 

Eddy: Not now Biscuit, Bobby might kill Donny. I’m scared

Biscuit: That fucking wop ain’t gonna hurt Donny. (Stumbles off the stool)

Bobby: Sit down you drunk bum!

Biscuit: Oh yeah ya greasy sauce jockey (Winds up and clocks Bobby then they both crash into the wall as the dart board falls). 

Biscuit: Who is hurting who now (Puts Bobby in the Stump Puller)

Bobby:Stop, Stop!!!

Eddy: (runs over and breaks it up) Jesus, Biscuit, knock it off. 

Biscuit: (yells at Eddy) Get me my fucking boliermaker

Eddy: You’ve had enough. Time to go (Immediately tends to Donny)

Biscuit: Back to work for me( Biscuit leaves and steps outside as the brisk Robbinsdale air awakens him briefly before he stumbles down the street, giving a light post a European Uppercut thinking it was another greasy Italian)


Wade Michael is in the back approaching the locker room door of Kbjone. He steels himself up and knocks. Kbjone opens his door, but doesn’t say anything, he just stares at Wade.

Wade: Kbjone, rumors continue to swirl that John Petuka’s injury was worse than originally thought, and that he won’t be able to defend his Number 1 contender’s status tonight due to the actions of Kensington Enterprises. Do you have any information for us?

Kbjone ducks back into the locker room and gets his chair; the words ‘PETUKA BAZOOKA’ have been painted on the side. He points at it and glares at Wade, then shuts the door in his face.



BoD Tag Title Tornado Match: Camp Cleveland vs. TatR & Shelton Benjamin vs. Curtzerker w/ Biff Kensington III

And the HUSS section is wild tonight. All three teams start brawling to begin with as this is under “Tornado Rules.” TatR & Shelton send Camp Cleveland to the floor and follow out with topes. The Berzerker HUSSES as he heads outside and proceeds to hit Shelton with a big boot. The HUSS section is going out of their minds as the Berzerker takes out everyone with a big boot. HUSS! HUSS! HUSS! Back inside, Williams tries the HUSS lock but Mikey breaks that up with a running kick. WWF1987 chop blocks the Berzerker as the HUSS section boos. TatR is up top and hits Williams with a missile dropkick. Mikey picks TatR up and tosses him outside. He then heads over to Shelton who ducks an attack as Mikey nails Berzerker instead. The Berzerker is stunned but HUSSES Mikey to the corner until WWF1987 jumps up on his back for a sleeper as Mikey runs over and hits Berzerker as Williams joins in for a brawl. TatR and Shelton climb up top and take out everyone with flying body presses. TatR then puts WWF1987 in the IrriTatR and we could have new champs but Mikey makes the save then hits the A.A. Shelton comes over and hits the Overdrive then Biff Kensington jumps up on the apron. Shelton yells at him but turns around and gets whipped into the corner by Williams, who slides outside to hold Shelton in place as the Berzerker hits the HUSS RUSH and that gets the win as Curtzerker retains.



And there’s the music of Kensington Enterprises! Biff Kensington leads Hoss and Extant to the ring, and they once again seem as though they’re not on the best of terms, as Hoss is jaw-jacking at Extant, who is pointedly ignoring him. They pose with their respective title belts, giving each other some careful side-eye. The music of Kbjone starts up! He walks out to the top of the ramp, trusty chair in hand, and he glares at the ring before gesturing for a mic; Biff already has one.

Biff: So, here we are! And now, I wait with bated breath; who, pray tell, is the moron from the locker room that you found to take a beating against Kensington? Because we know it’s not Petuka!

Biff and Extant share a laugh, while Hoss noticeably does not. Kbjone raises the mic to his lips, then puts it down and gestures to the back….Oh my God, it’s Robert Davis! Accompanied by Archie Stackhouse, the Riverdale denizen’s campaign against Kensington has been well-documented over the last several months. But he seems calmer, more focused; he and Kbjone charge the ring, and this fight is on!



Kbjone & Robert Davis vs Extant1979 & Hoss

Kbjone and Extant to start, but the real curiosity is that Robert Davis, who normally needs to be restrained from chasing Biff, is remaining calm and focused on the ring and not acknowledging Biff’s existence. Kbjone and Extant trade go-behinds off a lockup, and Kbjone gains the advantage with a trip and walks over the top of Extant. Stomps by Kbjone. He props Extant up in the corner and gets a running start, but Extant avoids the corner splash and goes to work. He fires away at the knee of Kbjone, who tries to escape but Extant is focused. He works it over with a dragon-screw legwhip and with a kneecrusher, really cranking back on the leg afterwards.

He drags Kbjone back into the Kensington corner, and there’s the tag to the giant World Champion, who continues to pound away at Kbjone, who has yet to make a tag. While all this is going on, Robert Davis waits patiently on the apron, showing no signs of going after Biff. What is the deal here? Hoss drops a big elbow on the knee of Kbjone and it looks like the chairman of the BOD is in real trouble here. Hoss fires stomps and wraps Kbjone in a modified STF, but he’s too close to the ropes and Kbjone reaches out to break. Hoss drags Kbjone back to the corner again and tags in Extant. Extant comes in with more shots and heads to the top rope….top rope kneedrop misses! He was trying to end this thing right there! Extant landed far away from Hoss, while Kbjone is crawling to make the tag to Davis. Biff looks to try to get in there, but Archie just looks at him on the outside and Biff backs off. Kbjone stretches for the tag while Extant is still trying to stumble back to his feet on his hurt knee….Kbjone makes the tag! Here comes Davis! He’s in on Extant like a house afire, and the A+ champ is staggered from the onslaught! Davis sends Extant to the corner, corner clothesline followed by a split-legged moonsault! 1,2, NO! Hoss broke it up! And now Kbjone staggers back in as all 4 wrestlers slug it out. Hoss tosses Kbjone outside the ring, but Kbjone landed near his chair. Hoss turns his attention now to Davis, as he grabs Robert from behind and holds him up….Extant superkick hits Hoss! Hoss is staggered and falls out of the ring! Extant can’t believe what he’s done and turns around into a short-arm clothesline from Robert Davis! Davis looks over in the corner, and Kbjone is back on the apron and he wants the tag! Davis with the tag, Kbjone is in! He comes in and bows his head, then points to Petuka’s Sign! Kbjone loads Extant up…..PETUKA BAZOOKA from Kbjone on Extant! 1…2….3!! They’ve done it! Your winners are Kbjone and Robert Davis, who looks unbelievably happy! Biff
Kensington drags Extant out of the ring and as Kensington staggers up the ramp, he gets a mic.

Biff: What are you so happy about, Davis? You didn’t win anything!

Davis and Stackhouse just laugh with Kbjone in the ring, and Kbjone gets a mic.

Kbjone: You really should read your contracts, Biff. See, I did indeed win the right to challenge Extant1979 at BODMania III for the A+ title. But Mr. Davis here also won something, didn’t he? See, there’s a rider in that contract that Hoss signed on your behalf, Biffy. And that rider states that if we win tonight, Biff, Robert Davis gets a match with any active wrestler he wants in Kensington at BODMania III!

Kbjone smiles a huge grin before continuing.

Kbjone: And, Biff, since I know you know law and contracts, you also know that an ‘active wrestler’ is defined by anyone who, while under contract with the BOD, participates in a match as a competitor. And if you’ll remember correctly, Biffers, at BOD Summerslam, you made the winning pinfall against these two Riverdale gentlemen standing next to me.

Biff starts to swallow hard with a wild-eyed look in his eyes as Robert Davis gets the mic.

Davis: And you know, Biff, with our destinies intertwined to this point, it seems only fitting that I tell you right here and now, that the righteous justice you’ve avoided for so long is now coming to knock at your doorstep! Because at BODMania III, Biff Kensington, I choose to face….YOU!

The crowd goes crazy as Biff faints into the arms of Hoss, while Extant yells back at the ring as the faces share a laugh, then Davis raises the mic once more.

Davis: Welcome to Riverdale, Biff. Welcome….to the End.



Brian Bayless is with his dumb fuck cousin, Bobby, as they leave the voting booth:

Bobby: Dammit! I wanted to make America great!

Brian: Maybe you should have registered to vote then

Bobby: My mom did it when I was in school! Bernie Sanders is a Muslim Communist!

Brian: Great, you’re watching Fox News and still cant get it right. And you register to vote when you are an adult. Why haven’t you done this already? 

Bobby: I was making America great, pal! 

Brian: Well, there is a PPV this weekend!

Bobby: I gave a lot of people vacations. They put in requests!

Brian: You idiot!!! Who is gonna work!

Bobby: What the hell. That means the Mexicans will escape through the wall! There is going to be hell to pay. Next week, everyone is at RAW or they will be………..FIRED! HA HA HA 

Brian: Really funny




Jef Vinson’s music hits! He’s out with his lovely valet as we still have no word about the status tonight of John Petuka. Vinson soaks in the boos from the crowd and gets a mic.

Vinson: I want it noted, for the record, that I think what happened to John Petuka today was barbaric and horrible, and I hope that the BOD fines and suspends Kensington for their illicit attack! But I had nothing to do with it, and frankly, it’s not my problem! My contract is clear; if either Petuka or an opponent deemed ‘reasonable competition’ by the big man in Saskatoon doesn’t show up in this ring before the ref hits the count of ten, I shall be declared the rightful #1 contender! So, if you please referee, start-

Wait! That’s the music of John Petuka! He hobbles out to the stage on crutches, glaring daggers at Jef Vinson, who smiles and gestures that he should come down to the ring. Petuka remains on stage, glaring at Jef, then he raises his arm….he POINTS TO THE SIGN! “BODMania III….starring John Petuka”

Petuka: Vinson, I’ll have a lot more to say about what happened on the next BOD Raw. But for right now, I’ll leave it at this. Yes, I have been further injured by a vicious attack, and that has resulted in the doctors not clearing me for tonight, for BODMania III, or for the foreseeable future.

Vinson: It was heinous, truly. I am so sorry that it happened to you; Kensington is out of control, and frankly, it’s going to be much better around here when I take back MY World Title. But thank you for coming out here to forfeit like a man, it’s a classy move, John.

Petuka: Shut UP, Vinson! Stop running your damned mouth! See, I may not be able to wrestle tonight, that is true. But when I was injured, the big man from Saskatoon personally called me to ask who I would like to have as a substitute in this match. It had to be someone who deserved it as much as I did, someone who I may not always like, but at least respect.

Vinson: Doesn’t anyone talk to Bobby anymore?

Petuka: And so, without further ado, I’d like to introduce my substitute for this #1 Contender’s match, to face Hoss at BODMania III.

The lights go out! When they come on again…..ANDYPG is standing next to John Petuka! He’s still got his neck brace on, but he slowly reaches up and takes it off, dropping it to the ground! He turns to Petuka and shakes his hand, and turns to stare at Vinson, who looks like he’s seen a ghost! AndyPG charges the ring and this fight is on!



AndyPG vs Jef Vinson – #1 Contender’s match

AndyPG is a house afire, staggering Vinson with punches in the corner. Irish Whip, big clothesline! He sends Vinson into the ropes, big back body drop! Vinson is completely out of sorts! Andy sends Vinson to the corner, and unloads on him again as the crowd goes crazy. Vinson finally rakes the eyes to try to slow him down. Vinson tries to come out of the corner, but Andy gets a drop toehold and goes to a crossface. Vinson is in pain, but he manages to reach the bottom rope to force a break. Andy doesn’t let up, breaking the hold but dragging Vinson back to the center of the ring and dropping elbows on Jef, continuing to punish the former World Champ. He picks Vinson up and slams him, then comes off the second rope, Lionsault by AndyPG! 1,2, no! Andy continues to fire away, getting a German suplex for another two count. Now a Northern Lights suplex for another! Jef is woozy and has had no offense this entire match! Andy goes to the second rope, missile dropkick! Now Vinson’s valet has the attention of the referee, but Petuka is hobbling his way to ringside and he pulls her off the apron! She slaps Petuka, who hobbles after her on his crutches as she tries to run, leaving behind her purse. Vinson with a low blow on Andy with the ref’s back turned! He goes to get the purse, he’s looking for something inside it, it’s his valet’s hairspray. He turns around to spray Andy, but Andy ducks it and LEVELS Vinson with a lariat! The hairspray goes flying and Vinson goes down! Andy takes a deep breath, knowing everything has led to this point for him, and he loads up Jef Vinson….DRAGON SUPLEX from AndyPG!

1….2….3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s all over! AndyPG has defeated Jef Vinson in dominant fashion and is the NEW #1 contender for BODMania III! He collapses to his knees in the middle of the ring as Vinson rolls out and crowd goes crazy! Andy can’t believe it. He gets back to his feet and the referee raises his hand in victory, while confetti streams from the ceiling. Andy looks towards the outside, and sees the bittersweet image of John Petuka on his crutches, staring wistfully at Andy. Andy goes over to the ropes and holds them open for Petuka, who hops into the ring. Andy looks him over and nods; they both bow their heads and POINT TO THE SIGN!! Tonight, John Petuka may no longer be going to BODMania, but he’s going out a true champion! What will happen now?