The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 02.02.87

The SmarK Rant for Prime Time Wrestling – 02.02.87

It’s the ONE HUNDREDTH episode of Prime Time!  Sadly there’s nowhere near that many episodes up on the Network, but holy cow did you see how many ECW TV shows are up now?  ECW on TNN!  Joey Styles must be throwing his weight around or something.

Your hosts are Gorilla & Bobby.

Paul Orndorff v. George Steele

Looks like we’re in MSG this week.  Bobby Heenan tears up a poster of Elizabeth to distract Steele, and then Wonderful beats the crap out of him in the corner.  This yet another match where I remember seeing it at a house show at the time, and probably the exact same match at that.  Steele butchers a turnbuckle and runs Orndorff into it to make the comeback, and chases Bobby to the dressing room.  So then we get Animal trying to reassemble the poster, which allows Orndorff to attack and take over again.  He actually uses a camera cord to blatantly choke Steele out and I agree with Gorilla for once – How incompetent do you have to be not to call for a DQ there?  Steele does in fact recover and tries for the flying hammerlock, but Heenan returns with another poster and Steele grabs a chair to FINALLY get this idiot referee to call a DQ at 6:00.  Gorilla feels that Steele should have just nailed the ref with it for being such a jerk.  This may be some of the worst refereeing I’ve ever seen outside of Steve Mazzagatti.  DUD

Back at the studio, Gorilla questions Brain’s tactics:  “Well, you got the win, but what did it cost you?”  Brain:  “Two posters?”  Ha!

Outlaw Ron Bass v. SD Jones

Bass immediately chokes SD out with his jacket and the same idiot referee just ignores it!  Bass pounds away and drops an elbow, but SD makes the comeback and chases him out of the ring.  Back in for a chinlock and a crossbody that gets two as Gorilla talks about the hot new team of SD Jones & Paul Roma causing a sensation on the Australian tour.  I can’t even imagine how boring that Australia must have been in 1987 for that team to cause a sensation.  Was the entire continent tired of Crocodile Dundee and Yahoo Serious and just kept going down the list until they hit on that team as their new heroes?  So anyway Jones works a headlock for the entire time I’m going off on that tangent, but Bass comes back with a knee to the gut.  Bass finishes him with a kind of Pedigree at 6:58 out of nowhere.  Australia is gonna be pretty disappointed at that result.  DUD

Speaking of disappointing Australians, OUTBACK JACK is coming!  And he’s flying Quantas!  Hopefully he’s coming to play some knifey-spoony.

Meanwhile, the Can-Am Connection hangs out in the locker room talking about their travel plans and…uh…lifting weights in their underwear.  I’m feeling distinctly uncomfortable here, like it’s about to cut away to a gay porno shoot.

Tiger Chung Lee v. Jerry Allen

Gorilla introduces that match by noting that Lee held the WWF tag team titles with Mr. Fuji.  WTF is he talking about?  Allen always had a good look, like Jim Powers with a jewfro, but just couldn’t string any wins together, as Gorilla would say.  Allen works a headlock forever as I look him up on Cagematch to kill time, and apparently he retired from the business in 1988 and died in 1995!  Huh.  Lee pounds away with chops and drops him on the top rope to take over.  Allen gets tossed as the crowd is openly bored and groaning, and Lee finally puts him away with an elbowdrop after a missed bodypress.  ½* for match of the show thus far.

Gorilla and Bobby shill the WWF fan club hotline, and they actually forget to blur the number! 1-800-843-3409 in case you want to try.

Meanwhile, “The Natural” Butch Reed is here and Hulk Hogan is his main objective.  Well good luck with that one.

Brad Rheingans v. Frenchy Martin

This is quite the 100th episode thus far.  Joined in progress with Frenchy pounding away in the corner, but Brad comes back with a slam to send Frenchy running away.  Back in, Martin goes to the eyes and applies the dreaded Vulcan Nerve Pinch to take over.  This must have been a brutal MSG show to sit through.  Rheingans has an amazing record of success as a trainer, but his in-ring career was not the most thrilling.  Frenchy tosses him and the boredom continues, but finally Brad makes the comeback with an atomic drop and rolling cradle for two.  He goes up and misses an elbow, and Frenchy gets a lariat for two.  Rheingans tries again on the middle rope, this time hitting a shoulderblock to finish at 9:41.  Final minute was pretty decent, at least, but Rheingans was just a job guy after that.  *

Blackjack Mulligan, Danny Spivey & Mike Rotundo v. Jimmy Jack Funk, Ron Bass & The Gladiator

We’re on Superstars now for this epic clash of midcarders.  Funk gets beat up by the US Express in the corner, but Bass takes over on Rotundo and Funk gets a backdrop suplex, but Rotundo gets a sunset flip for two.  The cowboys continue holding him in the corner and wisely not letting The Gladiator into the ring, but it’s hot tag Mulligan and now they throw the poor masked bastard in there to die at 3:35.  ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?  I’m gonna go with “no, no I’m not”.  *

The Islanders v. Iron Sheik & Nikolai Volkoff

Over to Wrestling Challenge now as we really dig deep into the WWF TV vault. Tama gets double-teamed but comes back with a suplex on Sheik and quickly hits the flying splash, but Slick sneaks in and nails him with the cane for the cheap win at 2:15.  This was just establishing Slick as a thing that exists.  ½*

Meanwhile, on Piper’s Pit, we continue the Andre-Hogan build as Jesse Ventura presents his conspiracy theory on Andre’s reinstatement.  Seems that Andre wasn’t even at his own hearing, but Bobby Heenan WAS.  So Jesse knows the secret behind what’s going on, but he ain’t talking.  But next week, Andre will be here and everyone’s gonna reveal everything.  It’s gonna be like the end of a Saw movie or something, complete with dramatic music and jump cuts.

Hercules v. Jim Parks

Hey, a squash from Superstars.  I presume there’s some angle that happens here to justify wasting my valuable time with this.  Jesse Ventura notes that Bobby Heenan paid a LOT of money to get Hercules away from Slick, so hopefully Dibiase compensated him well when buying Herc as a slave two years later.  Herc finishes with a full nelson at 1:30 in order to troll Billy Jack Haynes, and sure enough he comes out to answer the challenge.  Billy offers himself up for a full nelson, but Hercules attacks him from behind and then applies the hold.  Well, he DID offer.  As a kid I never really understood how that made Hercules a bad person, either.

King Harley Race v. Junkyard Dog

And we finish with a “special treat”, a repeat of a match from the Hogan-Orndorff SNME. Even though it’s only 4:00 long, we’re still joined in progress with Race stupidly headbutting Dog and ending up on the floor, which allows Dog to steal the crown and robe and then beat up poor Bobby.  This was of course all a setup for their brawl at the Slammys and shitty blowoff match at Wrestlemania 3.  One funny bit here is Race and Heenan kicking the crap out of JYD and leaving him laying out cold on the mat, at which point Danny Davis half-heartedly raises one of Dog’s arms to declare him the winner by DQ.  And then Dog makes the comeback and beats up Danny as well.  If Dog was an NHL player that’d be good for a 20 game suspension.

As a bonus, Gorilla gives us a segment from the very first episode in January of 1985, with original hosts Jack Reynolds and Jesse Ventura.

The Pulse

Quite the classic episode for the 100th one.  Literally no good matches and not even very good banter between Gorilla and Bobby.